In a beet field on the outskirts of Freehold, Iowa, thousands of well-wishers have gathered to bid farewell to extraterrestrial singing sensation Lady Gaga, who will soon be boarding a starship bound for a system near the star Arcturus. Since arriving on Earth in 2008, Lady Gaga's music has taken the world by storm, though the word "music" seems totally inadequate to describe the entity's alien and hypnotic audio creations.
The artist has said that Earth was the last stop on its interstellar music tour, and that "My three hearts are swollen with joy and despair. It is time for me to return to the ammonia clouds and purple dune seas of my beautiful homeworld. I wish to thank the people of Earth for hosting me. I grok you all."
As it climbed the gantry leading into the mile-long spaceship, the entity gave a short farewell in its native tongue. When asked to describe the melody, many spectators said the English language lacks the words to describe the sound, but it was like a combination of a whale song and a car alarm. The sound shattered windows and caused temporary hearing loss in a 50 mile radius.
When reached for comment, Dylan Brewer, 23, said "Thank God it's gone. I'm so tired of those fucking songs."
Friday, June 18, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Me Liberal
Me liberal. Me understand everything. Me have plan to fix all problems.
Me very compassionate. Me support massive welfare spending. Me not care that Great Society programs fail to reduce poverty and increase illegitimate child birth. Me say government spend more. Always more.
Me not see strong link between illegitimate childbirth and poverty. Me not see that large proportion of convicted felons were raised in single-parent or foster homes. Me know crime is society's fault and not result of broken families. Me call for more welfare for single mothers, even though this gives an incentive to be one.
Me think rich people should be taxed more. Me say they selfish and can afford it. Me not see hypocrisy in criticizing rich people for being selfish when me keeps as much as me can too. Me not see hypocrisy in criticizing rich people for being selfish when me wants government to take money from rich and give to me. Me not notice rich people use complex tax code to evade taxes. Me not care flat tax systems work well in Hong Kong and former Eastern Bloc nations. Me know progressive tax system is best.
Me think FDR greatest president ever. Me not care that New Deal failed to end Great Depression. Hoover evil because stock market crash occur under him. Depression is fault of Hoover and Coolidge. Me not notice that US also have financial crises in 1819, 1837, 1857, 1873, 1907, and 1920. Me not notice these crises resolved in 2 to 6 years even though government do almost nothing. Me forget Great Depression last 12 years even though government do many, many things.
Me know all Republicans are evil. Me not care that Eisenhower sent troops to support integration and spoke out against military-industrial complex. Me not care that Nixon start EPA and OSHA and open relations with China. Me not care that Reagan put pressure on USSR and helped bring it down. Me know that Reagan evil, evil, evil.
Me believe guns are evil. Me think only government should have guns. Regular people with guns might shoot someone on accident, but police never shoot people on accident. Me not notice that homicide rate in DC go up under handgun ban. Me think gun laws will stop people from buying guns even though drug laws don't stop me from buying drugs.
Me not care about illegal immigrants from Mexico because Hispanics favor Democrats 2 to 1 over Republicans. Me pretend opposition to illegal immigration is about racism, but me know illegal immigrants good for Democrats. Me want illegals to be able to vote and get welfare because me knows this will keep Democrats in power.
Me say free market health system of US is broken, even though me knows is not free market. Me not care that government responsible for half of health care spending. Me not care that health care costs in US began to skyrocket after passage of Medicare. Me know evil insurance companies are to blame. Me know that because me watched Fat Man Movie. Me know health care better in Cuba even though people build homemade boats to get away from it. Me not care that profit system spurs innovation. Me knows making money from sick people is wrong.
Me say is friend of black people. Me not see this as patronizing. Me know all black conservatives are shills. Me not care that higher proportion of black people in jail than in 1950. Me know this have nothing to do with 70% illegitimate childbirth rate among blacks. Is all racism!
Me criticize military spending even though Democrats vote for it too. Me not care that Social Security and Medicare cost twice as much as defense.
Me think can remake world by handing out money. Me not see disastrous effects of foreign aid in Somalia and Democratic Republic of Congo. Me not care that dictators steal aid money and use it to entrench themselves. Me think can tell other countries what to do. Me not see parallel between this and colonialism. Me say more foreign aid.
Me believe in Social Security even though is giant Ponzi scheme. Me not care that Social Security was never intended to be a universal retirement program. Me not care that life expectancy was 65 when program was started. Me say tax rich more. Is always more money!
Me say is not racist, but believes in holding minorities except Asians to lower standards. Me not see how this is hypocritical. Me also not see how this reinforces the very prejudices me is trying to eliminate.
Me say government should subsidize alternative energy. Me not see that oil is cheapest and most compact fuel source available. Me knows usage of fossil fuels is conspiracy of evil oil companies and not fact of chemistry. Oil companies is evil, evil, evil. Me forget government has been subsidizing coal & oil for 100 years.
Me always call for more money for schools. Me not know that the only country that spends more per pupil is Norway. Me not care that DC school system spends the most per pupil in the country and still has very high drop-out rate.
Me think government can overrule laws of economics. Me believe world is simplistic zero-sum-game. Me not know that trade leaves both sides better off. Comparative advantage is myth. Me say government raise minimum wage. Me not see that labor is commodity subject to laws of supply and demand. Me think government can make wealth out of nowhere. Me think deficit spending have no impact on value of the dollar. Me not remember dollar lose 90% of its value because of New Deal deficit spending.
Me liberal. Me much smarter and nicer than you.
Me very compassionate. Me support massive welfare spending. Me not care that Great Society programs fail to reduce poverty and increase illegitimate child birth. Me say government spend more. Always more.
Me not see strong link between illegitimate childbirth and poverty. Me not see that large proportion of convicted felons were raised in single-parent or foster homes. Me know crime is society's fault and not result of broken families. Me call for more welfare for single mothers, even though this gives an incentive to be one.
Me think rich people should be taxed more. Me say they selfish and can afford it. Me not see hypocrisy in criticizing rich people for being selfish when me keeps as much as me can too. Me not see hypocrisy in criticizing rich people for being selfish when me wants government to take money from rich and give to me. Me not notice rich people use complex tax code to evade taxes. Me not care flat tax systems work well in Hong Kong and former Eastern Bloc nations. Me know progressive tax system is best.
Me think FDR greatest president ever. Me not care that New Deal failed to end Great Depression. Hoover evil because stock market crash occur under him. Depression is fault of Hoover and Coolidge. Me not notice that US also have financial crises in 1819, 1837, 1857, 1873, 1907, and 1920. Me not notice these crises resolved in 2 to 6 years even though government do almost nothing. Me forget Great Depression last 12 years even though government do many, many things.
Me know all Republicans are evil. Me not care that Eisenhower sent troops to support integration and spoke out against military-industrial complex. Me not care that Nixon start EPA and OSHA and open relations with China. Me not care that Reagan put pressure on USSR and helped bring it down. Me know that Reagan evil, evil, evil.
Me believe guns are evil. Me think only government should have guns. Regular people with guns might shoot someone on accident, but police never shoot people on accident. Me not notice that homicide rate in DC go up under handgun ban. Me think gun laws will stop people from buying guns even though drug laws don't stop me from buying drugs.
Me not care about illegal immigrants from Mexico because Hispanics favor Democrats 2 to 1 over Republicans. Me pretend opposition to illegal immigration is about racism, but me know illegal immigrants good for Democrats. Me want illegals to be able to vote and get welfare because me knows this will keep Democrats in power.
Me say free market health system of US is broken, even though me knows is not free market. Me not care that government responsible for half of health care spending. Me not care that health care costs in US began to skyrocket after passage of Medicare. Me know evil insurance companies are to blame. Me know that because me watched Fat Man Movie. Me know health care better in Cuba even though people build homemade boats to get away from it. Me not care that profit system spurs innovation. Me knows making money from sick people is wrong.
Me say is friend of black people. Me not see this as patronizing. Me know all black conservatives are shills. Me not care that higher proportion of black people in jail than in 1950. Me know this have nothing to do with 70% illegitimate childbirth rate among blacks. Is all racism!
Me criticize military spending even though Democrats vote for it too. Me not care that Social Security and Medicare cost twice as much as defense.
Me think can remake world by handing out money. Me not see disastrous effects of foreign aid in Somalia and Democratic Republic of Congo. Me not care that dictators steal aid money and use it to entrench themselves. Me think can tell other countries what to do. Me not see parallel between this and colonialism. Me say more foreign aid.
Me believe in Social Security even though is giant Ponzi scheme. Me not care that Social Security was never intended to be a universal retirement program. Me not care that life expectancy was 65 when program was started. Me say tax rich more. Is always more money!
Me say is not racist, but believes in holding minorities except Asians to lower standards. Me not see how this is hypocritical. Me also not see how this reinforces the very prejudices me is trying to eliminate.
Me say government should subsidize alternative energy. Me not see that oil is cheapest and most compact fuel source available. Me knows usage of fossil fuels is conspiracy of evil oil companies and not fact of chemistry. Oil companies is evil, evil, evil. Me forget government has been subsidizing coal & oil for 100 years.
Me always call for more money for schools. Me not know that the only country that spends more per pupil is Norway. Me not care that DC school system spends the most per pupil in the country and still has very high drop-out rate.
Me think government can overrule laws of economics. Me believe world is simplistic zero-sum-game. Me not know that trade leaves both sides better off. Comparative advantage is myth. Me say government raise minimum wage. Me not see that labor is commodity subject to laws of supply and demand. Me think government can make wealth out of nowhere. Me think deficit spending have no impact on value of the dollar. Me not remember dollar lose 90% of its value because of New Deal deficit spending.
Me liberal. Me much smarter and nicer than you.
Me Conservative
Me conservative. Me know right from wrong. Me know America better than all other countries; America never wrong. America never do bad things, ever ever. Slavery bring Africans to Christianity. Indians weak and primitive; they be destroyed anyway. Mexicans not need so much land; America use it better.
Me know America win WW2 by itself, even though Soviets lose 20 million people and inflict 75% of casualties suffered by German army. Me think Reagan greatest President ever even though he switch parties 1962 and run up huge deficits. Me not notice Reagan send money to Contras, Mujahideen, and UNITA. Me think other countries hate America because we free. Me not notice 700 US military bases in over 100 foreign countries. Me not notice CIA overthrow governments of Chile, Indonesia, and Iran.
Me know America Christian nation. Me say that because Loud Angry Man on Fox News say so. Me know he right because he angry and loud. Me not know patriot Thomas Paine book The Age of Reason which criticize Christianity and organized religion strongly. Me not notice Mark Twain's outspoken atheism. Me never read Ben Franklin quote "lighthouses are more useful than churches." Me think Bible very important even though me never read it. Me not notice Bible say nothing about free speech, representative government, or voting. Me still know Bible foundation of democracy.
Me think history begin in 1620. Me not notice decline and collapse of British Empire. Me not notice collapses of French, Ottoman, and Spanish Empires. Me think this time different.
Me know drugs bad, except alcohol and tobacco. They not bad drugs. Me not notice they kill many, many more people than all illegal drugs combined. Me forget no illegal drugs in America before 1906. Me not notice War on Drugs colossal failure. Me not notice 95% of people in jail for drug crime are non-white. Me want drug users punished hard except my kid who will go to rehab instead. Me not care that 100 million Americans smoke marijuana including many leading politicians, athletes, and businessmen. Me not care marijuana have many medical uses. Drugs still bad.
Me not know America have more people in prison in total numbers and per capita than any other country. Me know this not true because America land of the free.
Me think gays are bad because Bible say is abomination. Me not care that Bible also say eating pork and shellfish is abomination. Me no want gays in Army because would destroy me
stereotype of gays as weak and cowardly. For same reason, me no want women in Army. Me never been in Army but is expert on war from reading Tom Clancy. Me not care he never in Army either.
Me know war in Iraq right. Me not care Saddam have nothing to do with 9/11. Me not care WMD never found. Me not care many thousands dead and 1 million Iraqis flee. Me not notice Reagan gave weapons to Saddam during Iran-Iraq war. Me not see picture of Rumsfeld kissing Saddam's hand. Me think killing Muslims get Muslims to stop hating America. Me not see US give $20 billion in military aid to Israel every year. Me not see US only country stupid enough to build military bases in Muslim holy land. Me call for massive military spending even though 9/11 attack cost only half a million dollars.
Me think missile from remote-controlled planes scare Taliban. Me not know they fight Russia for 8 years, suffer terrible losses, and still win. Me think Pakistan US best friend. Me surprised to learn some Pakistani military and intelligence assisting the Taliban & Al-Qaeda.
Me not care that US spend more on weapons than China, Russia, and Iran put together. Me not notice US almost spend as much as rest of the world put together. Me know big army good; peace come through strength. Me not know Switzerland have much smaller army and not fight war for 200 years. Me think this because Swiss are wusses, not because Swiss mind their own business.
Me conservative. Me know better than you.
Me know America win WW2 by itself, even though Soviets lose 20 million people and inflict 75% of casualties suffered by German army. Me think Reagan greatest President ever even though he switch parties 1962 and run up huge deficits. Me not notice Reagan send money to Contras, Mujahideen, and UNITA. Me think other countries hate America because we free. Me not notice 700 US military bases in over 100 foreign countries. Me not notice CIA overthrow governments of Chile, Indonesia, and Iran.
Me know America Christian nation. Me say that because Loud Angry Man on Fox News say so. Me know he right because he angry and loud. Me not know patriot Thomas Paine book The Age of Reason which criticize Christianity and organized religion strongly. Me not notice Mark Twain's outspoken atheism. Me never read Ben Franklin quote "lighthouses are more useful than churches." Me think Bible very important even though me never read it. Me not notice Bible say nothing about free speech, representative government, or voting. Me still know Bible foundation of democracy.
Me think history begin in 1620. Me not notice decline and collapse of British Empire. Me not notice collapses of French, Ottoman, and Spanish Empires. Me think this time different.
Me know drugs bad, except alcohol and tobacco. They not bad drugs. Me not notice they kill many, many more people than all illegal drugs combined. Me forget no illegal drugs in America before 1906. Me not notice War on Drugs colossal failure. Me not notice 95% of people in jail for drug crime are non-white. Me want drug users punished hard except my kid who will go to rehab instead. Me not care that 100 million Americans smoke marijuana including many leading politicians, athletes, and businessmen. Me not care marijuana have many medical uses. Drugs still bad.
Me not know America have more people in prison in total numbers and per capita than any other country. Me know this not true because America land of the free.
Me think gays are bad because Bible say is abomination. Me not care that Bible also say eating pork and shellfish is abomination. Me no want gays in Army because would destroy me
stereotype of gays as weak and cowardly. For same reason, me no want women in Army. Me never been in Army but is expert on war from reading Tom Clancy. Me not care he never in Army either.
Me know war in Iraq right. Me not care Saddam have nothing to do with 9/11. Me not care WMD never found. Me not care many thousands dead and 1 million Iraqis flee. Me not notice Reagan gave weapons to Saddam during Iran-Iraq war. Me not see picture of Rumsfeld kissing Saddam's hand. Me think killing Muslims get Muslims to stop hating America. Me not see US give $20 billion in military aid to Israel every year. Me not see US only country stupid enough to build military bases in Muslim holy land. Me call for massive military spending even though 9/11 attack cost only half a million dollars.
Me think missile from remote-controlled planes scare Taliban. Me not know they fight Russia for 8 years, suffer terrible losses, and still win. Me think Pakistan US best friend. Me surprised to learn some Pakistani military and intelligence assisting the Taliban & Al-Qaeda.
Me not care that US spend more on weapons than China, Russia, and Iran put together. Me not notice US almost spend as much as rest of the world put together. Me know big army good; peace come through strength. Me not know Switzerland have much smaller army and not fight war for 200 years. Me think this because Swiss are wusses, not because Swiss mind their own business.
Me conservative. Me know better than you.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mariah Carey Filling In For Aquaman This Week
PORTLAND, OR
Speaking at a press conference this morning, underwater superhero Aquaman announced that he is temporarily turning over his duties to close friend and pop diva Mariah Carey. "While [Carey] lacks the ability to communicate telepathically with marine life, her lung capacity is sufficient for her to stay submerged for several hours at a time," elaborated Aquaman.
Aquaman also remarked that her ability to emit extremely high frequency sounds audible to whales and dolphins was another factor in his choice of substitute. "Picking Mariah just lets me rest easy and enjoy my week off knowing the world's oceans are in safe flippers, er, hands. I mean, she's part dolphin isn't she?"
When reached for comment, Carey said that "I'm not worried. If anyone starts trouble, I'll just make his ears bleed with my voice. EE-EE-EE-EE-EEEKKKKKKK!!"
Carey then somersaulted backwards while whistling, then lead nearby fish in a spirited rendition of "Under the Sea."
Speaking at a press conference this morning, underwater superhero Aquaman announced that he is temporarily turning over his duties to close friend and pop diva Mariah Carey. "While [Carey] lacks the ability to communicate telepathically with marine life, her lung capacity is sufficient for her to stay submerged for several hours at a time," elaborated Aquaman.
Aquaman also remarked that her ability to emit extremely high frequency sounds audible to whales and dolphins was another factor in his choice of substitute. "Picking Mariah just lets me rest easy and enjoy my week off knowing the world's oceans are in safe flippers, er, hands. I mean, she's part dolphin isn't she?"
When reached for comment, Carey said that "I'm not worried. If anyone starts trouble, I'll just make his ears bleed with my voice. EE-EE-EE-EE-EEEKKKKKKK!!"
Carey then somersaulted backwards while whistling, then lead nearby fish in a spirited rendition of "Under the Sea."
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Opinion: Germs Are A Myth Of the Liberal Media, by Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK)
Americans are being hoodwinked by the junk science of "germs," a high falutin' word egghead "scientists" are using to scare Americans into buying their quack medicines. Ridiculous as it sounds, these fear-mongering charlatans and their allies in the liberal media have frightened people into believing that illnesses are caused by tiny creatures which invade the body.
This idea is utter hogwash. Even proponents of germ theory acknowledge that many illnesses have nothing to do with their so-called germs at all! By their own admission, such lethal ailments as heart attacks, strokes, and cancer are not caused by germs!
If that isn't enough, all sorts of crazy evidence is proffered which allegedly proves the existence of these creatures. The junk scientists have been using blurry images of germs from their "microscopes," devices which they claim can make minuscule objects visible to the human eye. Well, boys, there are pictures of Bigfoot and UFOs too; doesn't mean they're real.
Then there's the so-called consensus argument. We're told that the scientific community is not in dispute about the germ theory of disease, further that this theory has paved the way for modern medicine. But I know for a fact that healers who are skeptical of the germ theory, such as my faith healer friends, are routinely shunned and marginalized by germ theory proponents. The liberal media colludes in this conspiracy of silence against germ theory skeptics, who are never given time to argue their case except on Fox News.
Why then is the junk science of germs so widespread? The sad truth is because it makes them too much money. Legions of junk scientists and quacks make their living off this nonsense. It make me sick to think of all the money that could be saved by shutting down the Center for Disease Control and ending childhood vaccination, just to name two wasteful examples of the germ myth.
America needs to wake up. Don't be fooled by the junk science of germs!
This idea is utter hogwash. Even proponents of germ theory acknowledge that many illnesses have nothing to do with their so-called germs at all! By their own admission, such lethal ailments as heart attacks, strokes, and cancer are not caused by germs!
If that isn't enough, all sorts of crazy evidence is proffered which allegedly proves the existence of these creatures. The junk scientists have been using blurry images of germs from their "microscopes," devices which they claim can make minuscule objects visible to the human eye. Well, boys, there are pictures of Bigfoot and UFOs too; doesn't mean they're real.
Then there's the so-called consensus argument. We're told that the scientific community is not in dispute about the germ theory of disease, further that this theory has paved the way for modern medicine. But I know for a fact that healers who are skeptical of the germ theory, such as my faith healer friends, are routinely shunned and marginalized by germ theory proponents. The liberal media colludes in this conspiracy of silence against germ theory skeptics, who are never given time to argue their case except on Fox News.
Why then is the junk science of germs so widespread? The sad truth is because it makes them too much money. Legions of junk scientists and quacks make their living off this nonsense. It make me sick to think of all the money that could be saved by shutting down the Center for Disease Control and ending childhood vaccination, just to name two wasteful examples of the germ myth.
America needs to wake up. Don't be fooled by the junk science of germs!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Child Free To Enjoy Cotton Candy Thanks To Marine Offensive
Davenport, IA
Katy Stockmeier, 5, wanted nothing more than to go to the county fair and enjoy some delicious cotton candy. Unfortunately, Taliban fighters 9,000 miles away in Afghanistan had prevented her from doing so. Marine General Bill Hodges had called the situation unacceptable: "Freedom isn't free. If we want to live in a world where our children can ride ponies and play carnival games, our only choice is by taking the fight to the enemy and crushing them."
The long, bloody campaign began in late February and ended just last week. The objective was to weaken the Taliban by capturing a series of heavily-defended stongholds in mountainous region of Tora Bora. While US forces sustained nearly1,000 dead, Taliban losses were estimated at 4,000.
Human rights groups have criticized the US military for failing to keep accurate tabs on the number of civilian casualties, which have been estimated as high as 2,500. Amnesty International Spokesman Dennis Morgan condemned the action, asking "explain to me again how exactly this helps children?"
In spite of its losses, the Taliban remains defiant. Taliban commander Faisal Khan issued a statement: "Hear this, American swine: so long as a single infidel remains in our lands, your children will be unable to cavort playfully in the pit of balls. With the help of Almighty Allah, we will slaughter your armies and paint the mountains and valleys with your blood. And so long as we live, you shall never enjoy the taste of chicken wings and cold beer! Muwhahahahaha!"
Katy Stockmeier, 5, wanted nothing more than to go to the county fair and enjoy some delicious cotton candy. Unfortunately, Taliban fighters 9,000 miles away in Afghanistan had prevented her from doing so. Marine General Bill Hodges had called the situation unacceptable: "Freedom isn't free. If we want to live in a world where our children can ride ponies and play carnival games, our only choice is by taking the fight to the enemy and crushing them."
The long, bloody campaign began in late February and ended just last week. The objective was to weaken the Taliban by capturing a series of heavily-defended stongholds in mountainous region of Tora Bora. While US forces sustained nearly1,000 dead, Taliban losses were estimated at 4,000.
Human rights groups have criticized the US military for failing to keep accurate tabs on the number of civilian casualties, which have been estimated as high as 2,500. Amnesty International Spokesman Dennis Morgan condemned the action, asking "explain to me again how exactly this helps children?"
In spite of its losses, the Taliban remains defiant. Taliban commander Faisal Khan issued a statement: "Hear this, American swine: so long as a single infidel remains in our lands, your children will be unable to cavort playfully in the pit of balls. With the help of Almighty Allah, we will slaughter your armies and paint the mountains and valleys with your blood. And so long as we live, you shall never enjoy the taste of chicken wings and cold beer! Muwhahahahaha!"
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Pothead, Tax Cheat Push For Laws The Other Will Easily Evade
BALTIMORE, MD
Longtime cannabis user Tim Perry has often expressed his disgust at the gaping inequality of wealth in America. "The richest 1%, control like 50% of the wealth or something. Those greedy fuckers. Share the wealth, you know? There should be higher taxes for the rich."
When reached for comment, local entrepreneur and tax cheat Martin Vandegaard responded: "What a moron. First of all, the tax code is so full of loopholes you could use it for a sieve. And from time to time, you can even get away with making your own. One loophole closes, another opens up. Part of the reason for that is that congressmen don't like to pay taxes either. The whole soak-the-rich mentality is just a matter of envy."
"The government shouldn't waste my money trying to punish me for being successful. What we really need are tougher drug laws to lock up drug dealers corrupting our kids and the parasite users they spawn," Vandegaard added.
Perry, who has been successfully dodging drug laws since the age of 15, was unimpressed. "Pfft. Millions of people smoke weed. What are they gonna do? Lock up half the country? Besides, only total dumbasses ever get busted, so where's the incentive?" Perry went on to describe the large and tenacious drug subculture which continues to thrive in spite of ever increasing penalties and law enforcement efforts. "The government shouldn't be going after me. They should go after all those rich douchebags who dodge taxes and then buy votes."
Vandegaard, who has kept his considerable wealth safely hidden in a Byzantine system of foreign tax shelters, was asked to comment. "Right, like I should just hand over however much the government asks for. You think I worked day and night for 20 years to be a millionaire just to let some IRS schmuck walk away with it? Get real. And besides, I've never been caught."
As of press time, neither party has reconsidered his position.
Longtime cannabis user Tim Perry has often expressed his disgust at the gaping inequality of wealth in America. "The richest 1%, control like 50% of the wealth or something. Those greedy fuckers. Share the wealth, you know? There should be higher taxes for the rich."
When reached for comment, local entrepreneur and tax cheat Martin Vandegaard responded: "What a moron. First of all, the tax code is so full of loopholes you could use it for a sieve. And from time to time, you can even get away with making your own. One loophole closes, another opens up. Part of the reason for that is that congressmen don't like to pay taxes either. The whole soak-the-rich mentality is just a matter of envy."
"The government shouldn't waste my money trying to punish me for being successful. What we really need are tougher drug laws to lock up drug dealers corrupting our kids and the parasite users they spawn," Vandegaard added.
Perry, who has been successfully dodging drug laws since the age of 15, was unimpressed. "Pfft. Millions of people smoke weed. What are they gonna do? Lock up half the country? Besides, only total dumbasses ever get busted, so where's the incentive?" Perry went on to describe the large and tenacious drug subculture which continues to thrive in spite of ever increasing penalties and law enforcement efforts. "The government shouldn't be going after me. They should go after all those rich douchebags who dodge taxes and then buy votes."
Vandegaard, who has kept his considerable wealth safely hidden in a Byzantine system of foreign tax shelters, was asked to comment. "Right, like I should just hand over however much the government asks for. You think I worked day and night for 20 years to be a millionaire just to let some IRS schmuck walk away with it? Get real. And besides, I've never been caught."
As of press time, neither party has reconsidered his position.
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