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Friday, June 25, 2010

Don't Worry, I Got It All Figured Out by Thomas Friedman

After writing several best-selling books on globalization, I get asked a lot "Mr. Friedman, do you have any ideas about how the world should be run?" Well, heck yeah I do. I'm a friggin' genius.

I made a career out of oversimplifying complex geopolitical issues, so I certainly think I'm qualified to offer a multitude of half-baked, social engineering schemes. Smart grids, electric cars, carbon taxes, renewable energy subsidies- I'm for it all. How will this be implemented, you ask? The government will make it so!

The Chinese have figured this out- why can't we? Boy, I tell you, those Chinese are super smart. Their farts smell like cinnamon buns. I wish I could be Chinese so I could be a part of their glorious collective.

I tout government-directed energy policy, even after the incident I described in Hot, Flat, and Crowded where I had to sue my local government to get permission to a put a solar panel in my front yard. Do I have balls or what?

Some of you might be thinking, "but Mr. Friedman, the government has been subsidizing fossil fuel for decades with many adverse results, so why propose even more market distortion?" Because I'm special; I can see into the future. And I don't mean that in a metaphorical way; I can literally see into the future.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to getting peace in the Middle East, curing cancer, and dealing with nuclear waste.


Thomas Friedman is an author and columnist for The New York Times. He also has super powers.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

America On the Brink by Glenn Beck

Now, more than ever, America teeters on the brink of an abyss. While on vacation with my family last week, I saw more disturbing signs of the coming collapse.

At Yellowstone National Park, my guns were confiscated by the park rangers. It was then I noticed that the park rangers wear brown shirts. Know who else wore brown shirts? Hitler, that's who! Hitler also confiscated guns, just like the park rangers. The guns I brought to protect my family from marauding bears and Canadians were snatched away. Makes you sick, doesn't it?

The park had all kinds of rules. Hmm. I seem to recall another rule-obsessed authoritarian group. What were they called? Oh that's right, the Nazis. It was terrible to be under that kind of oppression. Now I know how the Jews felt.

At the Grand Canyon, I saw a plaque that sent a chill up my spine. You see, this plaque had German on it. I questioned a park ranger about it; he explained that the plaque was written in German for the benefit of German tourists and also had explanations in French and Japanese. I nodded politely, but deep down I knew this was another sign of the coming takeover of the progressive-Nazi-fascist-morlock front. German on a sign in America. Can you hear the coming goosesteps?

Aaaah!!! The Nazis are all over me! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!


Glenn Beck is an author and host of a radio and TV show. He is the current world record holder for number of comparisons made to the Third Reich.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Opinion: I Am The Greatest Genius of All Time by Keith Olbermann

I am the monarch of god's creation and you reptiles on earth dare not oppose me! Witness my verbal virtuosity as I demolish my opponents with deftly-crafted sarcasm. Marvel at my Herculean lung capacity as I deliver one adjective-piling monologue after another. Fear not, citizens, for I, the eagle-eyed sentinel of democracy watch over you.

So long as I draw breath, not a single gaffe of a conservative politician will go unmocked, for they, the evil ones, are my eternal enemies. No act of injustice escapes my gaze, no falsehood can withstand my scrutiny, no pundit can remove their glasses as dramatically as I do.

I am the torchbearer, the guide, the one who will lead you through these dark times. Put not your faith in the false prophets of other cable news shows, for there is only me.

Hark, O citizens! Your savior has come.

Please watch my show. It's very good.

Keith Olbermann is the anchor of MSNC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann. His mother is very proud of him.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Lady Gaga Returns To Her Home Planet

In a beet field on the outskirts of Freehold, Iowa, thousands of well-wishers have gathered to bid farewell to extraterrestrial singing sensation Lady Gaga, who will soon be boarding a starship bound for a system near the star Arcturus. Since arriving on Earth in 2008, Lady Gaga's music has taken the world by storm, though the word "music" seems totally inadequate to describe the entity's alien and hypnotic audio creations.

The artist has said that Earth was the last stop on its interstellar music tour, and that "My three hearts are swollen with joy and despair. It is time for me to return to the ammonia clouds and purple dune seas of my beautiful homeworld. I wish to thank the people of Earth for hosting me. I grok you all."

As it climbed the gantry leading into the mile-long spaceship, the entity gave a short farewell in its native tongue. When asked to describe the melody, many spectators said the English language lacks the words to describe the sound, but it was like a combination of a whale song and a car alarm. The sound shattered windows and caused temporary hearing loss in a 50 mile radius.

When reached for comment, Dylan Brewer, 23, said "Thank God it's gone. I'm so tired of those fucking songs."

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Me Liberal

Me liberal. Me understand everything. Me have plan to fix all problems.

Me very compassionate. Me support massive welfare spending. Me not care that Great Society programs fail to reduce poverty and increase illegitimate child birth. Me say government spend more. Always more.

Me not see strong link between illegitimate childbirth and poverty. Me not see that large proportion of convicted felons were raised in single-parent or foster homes. Me know crime is society's fault and not result of broken families. Me call for more welfare for single mothers, even though this gives an incentive to be one.

Me think rich people should be taxed more. Me say they selfish and can afford it. Me not see hypocrisy in criticizing rich people for being selfish when me keeps as much as me can too. Me not see hypocrisy in criticizing rich people for being selfish when me wants government to take money from rich and give to me. Me not notice rich people use complex tax code to evade taxes. Me not care flat tax systems work well in Hong Kong and former Eastern Bloc nations. Me know progressive tax system is best.

Me think FDR greatest president ever. Me not care that New Deal failed to end Great Depression. Hoover evil because stock market crash occur under him. Depression is fault of Hoover and Coolidge. Me not notice that US also have financial crises in 1819, 1837, 1857, 1873, 1907, and 1920. Me not notice these crises resolved in 2 to 6 years even though government do almost nothing. Me forget Great Depression last 12 years even though government do many, many things.

Me know all Republicans are evil. Me not care that Eisenhower sent troops to support integration and spoke out against military-industrial complex. Me not care that Nixon start EPA and OSHA and open relations with China. Me not care that Reagan put pressure on USSR and helped bring it down. Me know that Reagan evil, evil, evil.

Me believe guns are evil. Me think only government should have guns. Regular people with guns might shoot someone on accident, but police never shoot people on accident. Me not notice that homicide rate in DC go up under handgun ban. Me think gun laws will stop people from buying guns even though drug laws don't stop me from buying drugs.

Me not care about illegal immigrants from Mexico because Hispanics favor Democrats 2 to 1 over Republicans. Me pretend opposition to illegal immigration is about racism, but me know illegal immigrants good for Democrats. Me want illegals to be able to vote and get welfare because me knows this will keep Democrats in power.

Me say free market health system of US is broken, even though me knows is not free market. Me not care that government responsible for half of health care spending. Me not care that health care costs in US began to skyrocket after passage of Medicare. Me know evil insurance companies are to blame. Me know that because me watched Fat Man Movie. Me know health care better in Cuba even though people build homemade boats to get away from it. Me not care that profit system spurs innovation. Me knows making money from sick people is wrong.

Me say is friend of black people. Me not see this as patronizing. Me know all black conservatives are shills. Me not care that higher proportion of black people in jail than in 1950. Me know this have nothing to do with 70% illegitimate childbirth rate among blacks. Is all racism!

Me criticize military spending even though Democrats vote for it too. Me not care that Social Security and Medicare cost twice as much as defense.

Me think can remake world by handing out money. Me not see disastrous effects of foreign aid in Somalia and Democratic Republic of Congo. Me not care that dictators steal aid money and use it to entrench themselves. Me think can tell other countries what to do. Me not see parallel between this and colonialism. Me say more foreign aid.

Me believe in Social Security even though is giant Ponzi scheme. Me not care that Social Security was never intended to be a universal retirement program. Me not care that life expectancy was 65 when program was started. Me say tax rich more. Is always more money!

Me say is not racist, but believes in holding minorities except Asians to lower standards. Me not see how this is hypocritical. Me also not see how this reinforces the very prejudices me is trying to eliminate.

Me say government should subsidize alternative energy. Me not see that oil is cheapest and most compact fuel source available. Me knows usage of fossil fuels is conspiracy of evil oil companies and not fact of chemistry. Oil companies is evil, evil, evil. Me forget government has been subsidizing coal & oil for 100 years.

Me always call for more money for schools. Me not know that the only country that spends more per pupil is Norway. Me not care that DC school system spends the most per pupil in the country and still has very high drop-out rate.

Me think government can overrule laws of economics. Me believe world is simplistic zero-sum-game. Me not know that trade leaves both sides better off. Comparative advantage is myth. Me say government raise minimum wage. Me not see that labor is commodity subject to laws of supply and demand. Me think government can make wealth out of nowhere. Me think deficit spending have no impact on value of the dollar. Me not remember dollar lose 90% of its value because of New Deal deficit spending.

Me liberal. Me much smarter and nicer than you.

Me Conservative

Me conservative. Me know right from wrong. Me know America better than all other countries; America never wrong. America never do bad things, ever ever. Slavery bring Africans to Christianity. Indians weak and primitive; they be destroyed anyway. Mexicans not need so much land; America use it better.

Me know America win WW2 by itself, even though Soviets lose 20 million people and inflict 75% of casualties suffered by German army. Me think Reagan greatest President ever even though he switch parties 1962 and run up huge deficits. Me not notice Reagan send money to Contras, Mujahideen, and UNITA. Me think other countries hate America because we free. Me not notice 700 US military bases in over 100 foreign countries. Me not notice CIA overthrow governments of Chile, Indonesia, and Iran.

Me know America Christian nation. Me say that because Loud Angry Man on Fox News say so. Me know he right because he angry and loud. Me not know patriot Thomas Paine book The Age of Reason which criticize Christianity and organized religion strongly. Me not notice Mark Twain's outspoken atheism. Me never read Ben Franklin quote "lighthouses are more useful than churches." Me think Bible very important even though me never read it. Me not notice Bible say nothing about free speech, representative government, or voting. Me still know Bible foundation of democracy.

Me think history begin in 1620. Me not notice decline and collapse of British Empire. Me not notice collapses of French, Ottoman, and Spanish Empires. Me think this time different.

Me know drugs bad, except alcohol and tobacco. They not bad drugs. Me not notice they kill many, many more people than all illegal drugs combined. Me forget no illegal drugs in America before 1906. Me not notice War on Drugs colossal failure. Me not notice 95% of people in jail for drug crime are non-white. Me want drug users punished hard except my kid who will go to rehab instead. Me not care that 100 million Americans smoke marijuana including many leading politicians, athletes, and businessmen. Me not care marijuana have many medical uses. Drugs still bad.

Me not know America have more people in prison in total numbers and per capita than any other country. Me know this not true because America land of the free.

Me think gays are bad because Bible say is abomination. Me not care that Bible also say eating pork and shellfish is abomination. Me no want gays in Army because would destroy me
stereotype of gays as weak and cowardly. For same reason, me no want women in Army. Me never been in Army but is expert on war from reading Tom Clancy. Me not care he never in Army either.

Me know war in Iraq right. Me not care Saddam have nothing to do with 9/11. Me not care WMD never found. Me not care many thousands dead and 1 million Iraqis flee. Me not notice Reagan gave weapons to Saddam during Iran-Iraq war. Me not see picture of Rumsfeld kissing Saddam's hand. Me think killing Muslims get Muslims to stop hating America. Me not see US give $20 billion in military aid to Israel every year. Me not see US only country stupid enough to build military bases in Muslim holy land. Me call for massive military spending even though 9/11 attack cost only half a million dollars.

Me think missile from remote-controlled planes scare Taliban. Me not know they fight Russia for 8 years, suffer terrible losses, and still win. Me think Pakistan US best friend. Me surprised to learn some Pakistani military and intelligence assisting the Taliban & Al-Qaeda.

Me not care that US spend more on weapons than China, Russia, and Iran put together. Me not notice US almost spend as much as rest of the world put together. Me know big army good; peace come through strength. Me not know Switzerland have much smaller army and not fight war for 200 years. Me think this because Swiss are wusses, not because Swiss mind their own business.

Me conservative. Me know better than you.