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Monday, May 10, 2010

Mariah Carey Filling In For Aquaman This Week

PORTLAND, OR

Speaking at a press conference this morning, underwater superhero Aquaman announced that he is temporarily turning over his duties to close friend and pop diva Mariah Carey. "While [Carey] lacks the ability to communicate telepathically with marine life, her lung capacity is sufficient for her to stay submerged for several hours at a time," elaborated Aquaman.

Aquaman also remarked that her ability to emit extremely high frequency sounds audible to whales and dolphins was another factor in his choice of substitute. "Picking Mariah just lets me rest easy and enjoy my week off knowing the world's oceans are in safe flippers, er, hands. I mean, she's part dolphin isn't she?"

When reached for comment, Carey said that "I'm not worried. If anyone starts trouble, I'll just make his ears bleed with my voice. EE-EE-EE-EE-EEEKKKKKKK!!"

Carey then somersaulted backwards while whistling, then lead nearby fish in a spirited rendition of "Under the Sea."

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Opinion: Germs Are A Myth Of the Liberal Media, by Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK)

Americans are being hoodwinked by the junk science of "germs," a high falutin' word egghead "scientists" are using to scare Americans into buying their quack medicines. Ridiculous as it sounds, these fear-mongering charlatans and their allies in the liberal media have frightened people into believing that illnesses are caused by tiny creatures which invade the body.

This idea is utter hogwash. Even proponents of germ theory acknowledge that many illnesses have nothing to do with their so-called germs at all! By their own admission, such lethal ailments as heart attacks, strokes, and cancer are not caused by germs!

If that isn't enough, all sorts of crazy evidence is proffered which allegedly proves the existence of these creatures. The junk scientists have been using blurry images of germs from their "microscopes," devices which they claim can make minuscule objects visible to the human eye. Well, boys, there are pictures of Bigfoot and UFOs too; doesn't mean they're real.

Then there's the so-called consensus argument. We're told that the scientific community is not in dispute about the germ theory of disease, further that this theory has paved the way for modern medicine. But I know for a fact that healers who are skeptical of the germ theory, such as my faith healer friends, are routinely shunned and marginalized by germ theory proponents. The liberal media colludes in this conspiracy of silence against germ theory skeptics, who are never given time to argue their case except on Fox News.

Why then is the junk science of germs so widespread? The sad truth is because it makes them too much money. Legions of junk scientists and quacks make their living off this nonsense. It make me sick to think of all the money that could be saved by shutting down the Center for Disease Control and ending childhood vaccination, just to name two wasteful examples of the germ myth.

America needs to wake up. Don't be fooled by the junk science of germs!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Child Free To Enjoy Cotton Candy Thanks To Marine Offensive

Davenport, IA

Katy Stockmeier, 5, wanted nothing more than to go to the county fair and enjoy some delicious cotton candy. Unfortunately, Taliban fighters 9,000 miles away in Afghanistan had prevented her from doing so. Marine General Bill Hodges had called the situation unacceptable: "Freedom isn't free. If we want to live in a world where our children can ride ponies and play carnival games, our only choice is by taking the fight to the enemy and crushing them."

The long, bloody campaign began in late February and ended just last week. The objective was to weaken the Taliban by capturing a series of heavily-defended stongholds in mountainous region of Tora Bora. While US forces sustained nearly1,000 dead, Taliban losses were estimated at 4,000.

Human rights groups have criticized the US military for failing to keep accurate tabs on the number of civilian casualties, which have been estimated as high as 2,500. Amnesty International Spokesman Dennis Morgan condemned the action, asking "explain to me again how exactly this helps children?"

In spite of its losses, the Taliban remains defiant. Taliban commander Faisal Khan issued a statement: "Hear this, American swine: so long as a single infidel remains in our lands, your children will be unable to cavort playfully in the pit of balls. With the help of Almighty Allah, we will slaughter your armies and paint the mountains and valleys with your blood. And so long as we live, you shall never enjoy the taste of chicken wings and cold beer! Muwhahahahaha!"

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Pothead, Tax Cheat Push For Laws The Other Will Easily Evade

BALTIMORE, MD

Longtime cannabis user Tim Perry has often expressed his disgust at the gaping inequality of wealth in America. "The richest 1%, control like 50% of the wealth or something. Those greedy fuckers. Share the wealth, you know? There should be higher taxes for the rich."

When reached for comment, local entrepreneur and tax cheat Martin Vandegaard responded: "What a moron. First of all, the tax code is so full of loopholes you could use it for a sieve. And from time to time, you can even get away with making your own. One loophole closes, another opens up. Part of the reason for that is that congressmen don't like to pay taxes either. The whole soak-the-rich mentality is just a matter of envy."

"The government shouldn't waste my money trying to punish me for being successful. What we really need are tougher drug laws to lock up drug dealers corrupting our kids and the parasite users they spawn," Vandegaard added.

Perry, who has been successfully dodging drug laws since the age of 15, was unimpressed. "Pfft. Millions of people smoke weed. What are they gonna do? Lock up half the country? Besides, only total dumbasses ever get busted, so where's the incentive?" Perry went on to describe the large and tenacious drug subculture which continues to thrive in spite of ever increasing penalties and law enforcement efforts. "The government shouldn't be going after me. They should go after all those rich douchebags who dodge taxes and then buy votes."

Vandegaard, who has kept his considerable wealth safely hidden in a Byzantine system of foreign tax shelters, was asked to comment. "Right, like I should just hand over however much the government asks for. You think I worked day and night for 20 years to be a millionaire just to let some IRS schmuck walk away with it? Get real. And besides, I've never been caught."

As of press time, neither party has reconsidered his position.