FORT MEADE - The National Security Agency has recently launched an online dating service. The initiative came as a result of pressure from the Department of Government Efficiency which requires that federal agencies be self-funding to the greatest extent possible. "We're excited by this new opportunity to both showcase our technical prowess as well as gain insights into threats to the homeland", said NSA Deputy Director Joanna Gambolputty. "It makes a lot of sense when you think about it since we already have everyone's contact info, address, online activity, etc.", she explained.
When asked for comment, DOGE head Elon Musk said that the initiative was long overdue. "We have so much incredible technology that is not being properly leveraged. There's no reason why shouldn't be able to buy an NSA premium adult friend finder package to find another woman to bear my offspring", said the tech titan. "Furthermore, having a live-feed displayed on the big screens in my underwater volcano lair will provide much needed entertainment and useful work for my army of desk jockey minions. Whichever one of them finds a suitable mate for me gets an extra vacation day and a 6-month immunity period from being fired. High productivity is just at matter of creating the right incentives, after all."
Elsewhere, other groups have protested the move, including Citizens Against Government Efficiency (CAGE). The movement is based on an unusual alliance of hardcore libertarians and career bureaucrats. "Why would I or any other libertarian want the government to be more efficient? Efficient government is efficient tyranny", said Haywood Jablome, president of the Reformed Libertarian Party. Jablome's counterpart, Joshua Niedermeyer, is a former regional manager for the IRS. Niedermeyer added that "like so many others, I became a government employee for the job security, slow pace of work, obscene pay and benefits, and most importantly, a near total lack of accountability. All that is threatened by Musk's so-called efficiency experts. Well I say there are things people don't want the government to do efficiently. Important things!" This remark caused the mixed audience of libertarians and bureaucrats to cheer in agreement.
Many foreign governments have expressed interest in the dating service, particularly those with dangerously low fertility rates. "Arranged marriages are an old-fashioned solution that simply won't work in much of the world", explained Sushi Nintendo of the Japanese Population Bureau. "Japan has always been at the forefront of solutions that combine both high technology and smothering conformism. Once all fertile citizens are registered with this service, mandatory dating can begin. As a bonus, this service will hopefully stifle nuisances such as anime hentai porn, soap lands, brothels, and weeaboo sex tourists."
No comments:
Post a Comment