LOS ANGELES - "Now that much of their already small habitat has been destroyed by wildfires, we are stepping in to protect this unique, majestic American species", said EPA spokeswoman Joanna Gambolputty. "For far too long, we neglected the conservation of this keystone species, who number less than 4,000 in the wild according to the Hollywood Walk of Fame", she added. Experts have warned that the West Coast Celebrity is in danger of extinction unless they can make the arduous migration to a handful of sanctuaries such as Aspen and Manhattan. This is unlikely as the West Coast Celebrity is notoriously vulnerable to deadly parasites known as "paparazzi".
To make matters worse, a vast and hostile wasteland known informally as "Flyover Country" straddles the main migration routes of the West Coast Celebrity. Celebrity conservation experts have suggested luring the celebrities to a central location where they may then be corralled onto private jets and transported to sanctuaries where they may be safely released. However, this raises ethical concerns as almost nothing can attract a West Coast Celebrity except the prospect of cocaine and sex with underage teenagers. Even if the celebrities were successfully relocated, there is no guarantee they would successfully breed, as their young require prestigious private schools in which to mingle with politicians.
Others have proposed importing celebrities from overseas to boost native stocks. This approach has been successful many times in the past with celebrities from Canada, though their ecosystem has suffered as creatures like Brian Adams and Justin Trudeau have gone out of control with the lack of natural predators. According to celebrity expert Hugh Jass of Miskatonic University, "these majestic yet fragile creatures live in a delicate balance with their environment. Without sufficient camera time and public adulation, they tragically wither and die, thus forcing other species such as professional athletes, politicians, and rich people to shoulder the ecological burden of entertaining Americans."
Jass noted that it may be possible to condition scientists such as Anthony Fauci to be nearly identical to a celebrity and suggested that mass media seems to play a pivotal role in celebrity reproduction. "It's well known that the children of celebrities are usually celebrities, but the truly intriguing aspect of their life cycle is that nearly anyone can become a celebrity given the right circumstances, as seen for example in the case of the Hawk Tuah girl", Jass added. Jass remains optimistic about the future of American celebrities. "If Al Gore can become a minor celebrity, I can say with confidence we will never reach the much feared 'Peak Celebrity' crisis that was predicted in the 70s."
No comments:
Post a Comment