WASHINGTON DC - A shabby, disheveled vagrant was escorted from a closed door-intelligence briefing at the Capitol today after a thorough examination, whereupon it was concluded that the stranger was not a senator. "I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you. We've become increasingly accustomed to members of Congress being elderly and strangely dressed, so at first glance, who was to know any better?" said Joanna Gambolputty, a senior political analyst at the RANT Institute. "But, lo and behold, it seems that once in a while, some rando just sort of waltzes by accident like Mr. Magoo, peering around with confused stares and babbling nonsense just like the rest of committee."
Security experts have recommended a number of measures to prevent such incidents in the future. These include special badges or headgear to be worn by Senators and Representatives. The headgear may be a sort of rigid helmet to protect the wearer from injury or a tall, conelike hat so that they may be seen from afar. In either case, the headgear with be fixed with a chinstrap. Others have suggested that for greater safety, members of Congress should not walk, but rather be transported everywhere by wheelchair. Additionally, to better provide emergency medical care, lawmakers ought to wear loose-fitting robes that can easily be opened.
Meanwhile, critics point out the fundamental flaws of such a perspective. "The Capitol is the people's house of our great democracy, not a country club," opined Senator Fetterman while dressed in his trademark hoodie and basketball shorts. "I dress for comfort, just like many other Americans, and it's a courtesy we ought to extend to everyone, including lawmakers on Capitol Hill", he added while chewing gum and playing with a cup and string. Fetterman thus far has been able to skirt the dress code on the Senate floor by voting from the cloakroom. This longstanding compromise was intended as a replacement to the historical and much more arduous Hot Lava Rule whereby improperly attired lawmakers were not allowed to touch the floor, but instead had to leap from one piece of furniture to the next.
However, as the median age of politicians steadily increased, it became necessary to discard most of the more dramatic and physical events, such as the old rule by which the Speaker of House had to swing on a rope to the podium, dip his hands in grease, and then wrestle the gavel away from the previous speaker. Although it was passed with bipartisan agreement, the Rambunctious Roughhousing Reduction act was vetoed by Teddy Roosevelt in 1905 but was later overridden by the so-called Wuss and Sissy Caucus.
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