I am the monarch of god's creation and you reptiles on earth dare not oppose me! Witness my verbal virtuosity as I demolish my opponents with deftly-crafted sarcasm. Marvel at my Herculean lung capacity as I deliver one adjective-piling monologue after another. Fear not, citizens, for I, the eagle-eyed sentinel of democracy watch over you.
So long as I draw breath, not a single gaffe of a conservative politician will go unmocked, for they, the evil ones, are my eternal enemies. No act of injustice escapes my gaze, no falsehood can withstand my scrutiny, no pundit can remove their glasses as dramatically as I do.
I am the torchbearer, the guide, the one who will lead you through these dark times. Put not your faith in the false prophets of other cable news shows, for there is only me.
Hark, O citizens! Your savior has come.
Please watch my show. It's very good.
Keith Olbermann is the anchor of MSNC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann. His mother is very proud of him.
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