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Saturday, August 16, 2014

Three Cheers for District Attorney Maureen Shelton

I read in the Times Record News of a recent drug bust in Wichita Falls which targeted dealers of the deadly drug K2. How deadly? Well , according to an undercover informant involved in the sting, K2 can "mess you up", a risk that no other drug has ever posed. What makes K2 especially dangerous is that it is a synthetic form of marijuana, which is already known to have caused thousands of overdose deaths. Indeed, since the legalization of recreational marijuana in Colorado, the entire state has been overrun by cannibal dope fiends. Law & order broke down and the living now envy dead.

 Shelton further said that  the suspects "have been profiting off our youth". That's right. They sold to children, probably cute little kindergartners too. Have these fiends no propriety? No other business stoops so low as to make money off of people under the age of 18.  Truly, Shelton is a modern day Elliot Ness and her gang of Untouchables will clean up Wichita County. As we all know, Elliot Ness cleaned all the crime out of Chicago, which is why it is now America's safest city.

The cash and bank accounts of the suspects were seized, in accordance with the Constitution. The 5th amendment clearly states that no person "shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law, unless drugs are involved". I applaud Shelton for her strict adherence to the nation's fundamental law. Words fail to describe the great pride and gratitude I feel to know that I pay the salaries of people as heroic as Maureen Shelton. Most other district attorneys are unprincipled vermin who would indict their own mothers to further their careers.

People like Shelton are vital in maintaining public morality. If anything, they haven't gone far enough. I saw an interesting old movie about a country where they stamped out immorality and all the children were polite and wore uniforms. I had a hard time understanding the dialog because it was in German, but there was this  charismatic guy who gave great speeches and everyone cooperated. They had a cool logo they wore on their matching armbands. I forget the name, but it looked like a plus sign doing a cart wheel. Shelton and her Untouchables would look great with those armbands.


1 comment:

Kizone Kaprow said...

I can't figure out why you get no comments and nobody takes you seriously. I think your writing could use a little more sarcasm. That's a lost rhetorical device amongst contemporary bloggers. Some cynicism wouldn't hurt either.