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Thursday, August 7, 2014

A Common Sense Border Solution

In 2013, about 350,000 illegal immigrants were caught crossing the US-Mexico border. A similar number are not caught. Almost all were from Mexico and various countries in Central America.

Since the current methods are not enough, I propose a new strategy. For every illegal immigrant caught at the border, the border should move south by one inch. This would move the border south by about 5.5 miles per year.

Now, some of you might be worried that this would put the US in charge of cesspools like Tijuana. Have no fear- we will merely tell  former NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg there is a chaotic city in need of his brilliant leadership. Then either Bloomberg will clean up the place, or more likely, get whatever the Mexican equivalent of tar and feathers is. I presume this involves being dressed as a pinata and beaten senseless by sugar-crazed children.

Since the border would be mobile, it would have to be marked with something mobile. I propose something that is a cross between Hands Across America and Great Wall of China. Basically, every underemployed, debt-ridden 20-something could volunteer to be part of the human border for a year and in exchange, discharge their student loan debt. They would be given American flags and formed into one massive red, white, and blue phalanx.

Would there be resistance from the Mexicans? Unlikely, because each human wall volunteer would have a stack of fill-in-the-blank Green cards which they would hand out to anyone who approached them. These new citizens would then be resettled in all the self-styled sanctuary cities like Chicago and Washington DC.

When Mexican leaders are forced to watch in horror as the great Gringo horde slowly marches south, they will finally have an incentive secure their side of the border.

I have another version of this plan that will also make Social Security and Medicare Solvent, which I till elaborate in a future letter.

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