California Fire Traced to Candlelight Vigil for Victims of Last Fire

LOS ANGELES - Tragedy has struck the Golden State once more with a deadly blaze which killed more than a dozen and left hundreds homeless. "It's a catastrophe on multiple levels", said California Fire Prevention Spokeswoman Joanna Gambolputty. "The area burned down was prime habitat for both the Spotted Owl and the Delta Smelt, both endangered. We must all work harder to fight climate change and save the earth from fire. We urge all mourners to consider holding a glow stick or sparkler vigil in order to prevent another fire. On second thought, as glow sticks and sparklers are known to the state of California to cause cancer, please illuminate any vigils with your smartphone screens."

Meanwhile, the US Forestry Service has been working on updates to its famous mascot Smokey the Bear. Critics have long noted the bear's troubling connection to toxic masculinity and heteronormativity with his signature campaign hat. The hat, also known as a campaign hat, is worn by Army drill sergeants and traces its history to the brutal, imperialist war the US Army waged against indigenous fighters in the Philippines at the turn of the 20th century. The same war gave birth to the notorious Colt 45 pistol now heavily favored by MAGA supporters and other far right militants. Furthermore, say critics, the fact that Smokey is both shirtless and shoeless could be seen as insensitive to both the homeless and the undocumented immigrant communities.

"Clearly, we as Californians can no longer allow such hateful imagery in light of a second Trump term", said Governor of California Gavin Newsome. "Some time ago, I appointed a special blue-ribbon commission to brainstorm more peaceful, tolerant and inclusive mascots which are in line with our official policy of diversity, equity, and inclusion." So far, only a few details of the new mascot have been publicized, but it has been revealed that the new mascot will have a Spanish name, wear a rainbow tutu, and be an herbivore of some kind, possibly a squirrel.       

California celebrities have pitched in with their own fire prevention awareness raising effort dubbed Learning Man. It will a feature a concert and other events hosted by Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye the Science Guy. Paris Hilton will run the kissing booth, Barbara Streisand the dunk tank, and Bill Maher has promised to bring enough condoms and lube for everyone. The public is cautioned that no outside fruits or vegetables will be allowed and to be prepared to use "San Francisco bathrooms".