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Sunday, July 28, 2013

Career Advice from a Man Who Has Lost 3 Jobs in the Past Year

1. Your ability to get a job depends mainly on how well you can guess what the interviewers want to hear. A job interview is like an absurdist drama where you play the role of someone who wants to work for reasons totally unrelated to money.

2. Your ability to keep a job depends primarily on making your bosses happy. This means you must appear to enjoy what you are doing even if you find it boring, unpleasant, or strenuous. Remember, in the mind of a boss, being employed is something that should fill you with undiluted joy and gratitude. It is though they have spared you from execution. They are totally oblivious to the fact that paying people to be there indicates that the job may not be your idea of a good time.

3. Many people correctly realize that their jobs are not that important and just sort of coast through the day on auto-pilot. If you are like most people, these are the sort of co-workers you will find the most tolerable. Unfortunately, other co-workers have much higher opinions of themselves. When these people are forced to rationalize their own sense of importance with the relative unimportance of their jobs, they almost always conclude that the job is actually the most important thing ever. If you wish to preserve your sanity, avoid these people at all costs.

4. Sometimes, you will find that your personality, appearance, etc. is different from your boss. At most workplaces, this is called "having a bad attitude" and it is a serious mistake. You may find that "having a bad attitude" will lead to your boss asking to "talk with you" in his office. This means that you are expected to sit in a chair while your boss tells you everything he thinks, feels, speculates, or wholly fabricates which is wrong with you. When this happens, resist the temptation to speak up to defend yourself. As a lowly peon, a big part of your job is to be a verbal punching bag.

5. If you wish to climb the ranks, you must avoid saying or doing anything that makes your boss look bad. This means that every good idea, no matter who it came from, must be made to look like the boss's idea and that every bad idea must be blamed on someone else even if it was the boss's idea. To mentally prepare yourself for these situations, I recommend reading Alice in Wonderland.

6. Many organizations "value diversity". They say this because they are worried that the government will sue them if they hire/accept too many of the wrong kind of people. In order to get your foot in the door at these places, remember the 3 no's: no whites, no males, no Asians. If you fit into more than one of those categories, you may want to get creative with your genealogy.

7.  One of the most difficult aspects of any job is building a mental shield to block the bombardment of stupid things you will see and hear during the day. For example, if a boss solemnly blurts out an inane brainfart like "appearance is reality", resist the temptation to point out things such as magic tricks and optical illusions. Remember, what you find simplistic is profound to your boss.

8. You will not escape criticism no matter how hard you try to please your boss. You will not escape criticism even if you ask your boss what to do and follow his instructions exactly. If you are given an impossible task, you will be criticized if you fail to complete it. If you take a shortcut to make an impossible task possible, you will be criticized for being sloppy.

9. If you are young, your lack of experience will always be used as a trump card in every dispute, but your superiors' blatant shortcomings in terms of math, science, or common sense do not discredit them. For example, if a boss suggests the way to stop water from condensing in a silo is to use a blower to circulate the air, it will not do you any good to explain the science behind dew-points.

10. If you have been repeatedly unsuccessful as an employee, start your own business. You are more than likely at least as smart and capable as the morons you have worked for.

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