abbey haiku and limerick - poems 49 and 50

silent house of god

many monks in prayer are awed

from just the stained glass

Vikings looted an abbey Hibernian

and the monk who was most learned in

Latin mourned the stolen Book of Kells

But from Norse hands it fell 

And now we can tell the tale recorded therein

abalone haiku and limerick - poems 45 and 46

a marine mollusk

taken from cold, autumn seas

a dinner delight

a mollusk from the sea

known as the abalone

has a flat spiral shell

and by that you can tell

whether to take or leave it be 

abattoir haiku and limerick - poems 47 and 48

an abattoir grim

for the cattle that go in 

a job most macabre 

from a grisly abattoir comes our beef

and the doomed, fatted cattle come to grief

but later when I dine 

on a juicy steak so fine

vegetarians are beyond belief

abacus haiku and limerick - poems 43 and 44

still used in Asia

an ancient adding machine

first calculator

though the computer is most fabulous

there is plain beauty in the abacus

for wooden rods and beads

are all that one needs

to reckon even sums tremendous

aardvark haiku and limerick - poems 41 and 42

note: here begin my alphabetical poems

I don't think I can write a poem about every word in my dictionary (65,000 entries) but I will try.

burrowing mammal

eater of ants and termites

nature's pest control

the aardvark from Africa south

has a most unusual mouth 

with a tongue long and sticky

it can afford to be picky

and prefers ant over louse

hypocrisy haiku and limerick - poems 39 and 40

drab hypocrisy

lubricates the social gears

of dark winter nights

a fine upstanding young hypocrite

took a sip from a glass with filth in it

he made not a sound

as he swallowed it down

and then praised the host for his grace and wit

origami haiku and limerick - poems 37 and 38

ori means to fold

miura is the magic

of spring satellites

an astrophysicist Japanese

found a way to stack with ease

his name is Miura

and today it's true you're a

bit smarter for reading this piece

bamboo haiku and limerick - poems 35 and 36

from summer monsoons

the great green bamboo shoots bloom 

their fate: panda lunch

there is plant called wong chuk

famous for being hard to pluck

but once cut and aged

it is fit for a sage

a brings a yamabushi good luck

Houthis Counter US Strikes with Sarcasm

SANA'A - In a statement broadcast on the Houthi-controlled Al-Masirah network, spokesman Mohamed Ahmed Mahmoud Hamid said "Oh, you really got us now, you dastardly Yankees, for you blew up our *other* helicopter that we weren't using. I guess we'd better surrender now." He then paused to puff on a hookah and blow smoke rings for several minutes. "Do you fools have any idea how long we have been at war? By Allah, we've been fighting each other off an on for 60 years, and that started before the Saudis started bombing us 14 years ago. By my count, we've outlasted your last three presidents. And if you somehow win, oh wow, big deal. We're the poorest country in the Middle East, you know."

In response, State Department Spokesperson Joanna Gambolputty criticized Hamid's remarks as "inflammatory and counterproductive" adding that she had been repeatedly assured that Yemen "was, like, getting a ton of food, medicine, or whatever from USAID". Gambolputty went out to add that "the situation would not have deteriorated without certain dangerous and unprecedented budget cuts. If America can't be the world's food pantry and piggy bank, who will? This is not the time to be leading from behind in the field of handing out money, food, or whatever to countries most Americans don't know anything about." On X, Elon Musk quoted this statement and responded with several poop and flame emojis.  

Meanwhile, Israel has announced a new policy of only targeting terrorist groups that start with the letter H. According to IDF Major General Bagel Shmeir, "We can now credibly claim to have de-escalated the situation and now have a free hand to bomb Hayat Tahrir al-Sham in Syria if need be. It makes sense since we have already bombed Hamas, Hezbollah, and Houthis. Just to be clear, however, we retain the right to bomb any country for any length of time regardless of what letter its name starts with. This means you, Iran." Shmeir went on to announce a new program whereby Americans many purchase the debris resulting from the interception of rockets and missiles aimed at Israel. "It's our personal way of thanking the American people for their decades of loyal support. By your genuine shrapnel souvenir today!"

Antiwar activists gathered in front of the Pentagon to protest the latest strikes. At the protest was Joanna Gambolputty, who was fired while this article was being written. Sporting new dreadlocks and a tie-dye t-shirt, Gambolputty led fellow protestors in chants while other recently fired government employees attempted to demolish the Pentagon by calling it racist. Later, the protestors sang Kumbayah and burned MAGA hats until they were dispersed by the arrival of food trucks serving cuisine of various nationalities. Of the protests, President Trump posted on X that "Thanks for supporting local businesses. Now please go home and take a shower. MAGA!"

Read Futility Closet - It has the translation of Kipling's Runes in his Just So Stories

Behold:

Byplay - Futility Closet

In the rough draft of the Bill of Rights, the right to keep and bear arms was the 5th.

That version is:

***

A well-regulated militia, being composed of the body of the people, being the bell security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, but no one religiously serupulous of bearing arms, shall be compelled to render military service in person.

***

https://www.archives.gov/legislative/features/bor 

So they cleared up the whole conscientious objector thing too way back then.

The second proposed amendment was:

***

No law varying the compensation to the members of Congress shall take effect until an election of Representatives shall have intervened.

***

That one got shelved for a while. It was ratified as the 27th amendment in 1992!

***

 The proposed congressional pay amendment was largely forgotten until 1982, when Gregory Watson, a 19-year-old student at the University of Texas at Austin, wrote a paper for a government class in which he claimed that the amendment could still be ratified. He later launched a nationwide campaign to complete its ratification.[2][3] The amendment eventually became part of the United States Constitution, effective May 5, 1992

***

Planet of the Kindergartners

This is an idea that's been slowly coalescing in my mind for a while. Basically, I think that the vast majority of people are stuck at the emotional and intellectual level of 6-year-olds. Take a look at the headlines. Almost all the top stories are about something someone said that made someone else upset. Childish insults have been a staple of adult discourse since the invention of writing. These attacks ads from the election of 1800 are a good example:

Attack Ads, Circa 1800

Trump and his opponents taunt each other constantly. It's pathetic, and it will probably never change. 

It seems we are trapped on the Planet of the Kindergartners.

sardine haiku and limerick - poems 33 and 34

a sea food bargain

Mediterranean fish

is not just for Lent

they famously gather in great shoals

as they dodge the fisherman patrols

but once in the net

their fate it is set

and the sardines become food for the proles

On Anger

I think just about everyone has been told at some point to control their emotions. That advice is misguided. We can't control your emotions because they're like reflexes or sensations. Emotions are the mental equivalent of sweating or shivering. What we can control are our reactions, specifically what we choose to think, say, and do in response to our emotions. 

It's better to think of anger as a tool meant to prepare the body for a physical confrontation. It is the fight in the fight or flight response. So anger like other emotions is useful, but it is not the most important one. Fear is the most useful emotion as its purpose is to prevent people from getting hurt or killed. It can be said that another purpose of anger is to induce fear in another and thus prevent or halt an altercation. 

If we go through the other three of the five basic emotions, disgust protects us from disease, sadness cues empathy in others, and joy is the reward of doing things that fit a person's particular physical and mental nature. Joy is often found by accident, so rather than chasing it, it's better to stumble upon in it while wandering. 

Of all the emotions, anger seems to have the strongest link to memory, though fear is a close second. This explains the prevalence of PTSD among people who have experienced extreme danger and thus the resulting anger and fear. From a survival standpoint, it makes sense that bad memories would be more vivid and lasting as avoiding harm is more important than gaining pleasure. 

A challenge for people who are slow to show anger is that sometimes that is viewed as a sign of weakness and thus an invitation for increasing provocations. Anger must be expressed properly. It is better to vent than explode. 

Nixon: land-based ICBMs are the only missiles with first-strike capability

At the 3:35 mark of this video:

A Lesson In Negotiating With Russians - YouTube

He also says that land-based missiles are the key to any nuclear strategy.

It's such a revealing statement and yet it's attracted very little attention. 

math haiku and limerick - poems 31 and 32

six-sided snowflake

symmetry of rotation

stacks of cannonballs

Kepler was once given a task

that was like a question he'd asked

how well can I fit

the ammo on a ship

"hexagonal close packing", he gasped

How I'd like to teach

I'd strongly prefer to have only two graded assignments per semester or quarter with the higher of the two being the student's final grade for that period. That way if they do badly on one it doesn't hurt their final grade. In fact, if they get an A on the midterm, they wouldn't even need to show up for the final or indeed the classes the second half the semester/quarter. Fewer assignments mean less grading and also less need for make-up assignments. I like to keep things as simple as possible. Unfortunately, many teachers judge themselves and are judged by the amount of paper they compel their students to shuffle, with more = better. 

Homework is best left optional in my view. Too many students don't do it, put in minimal effort, cheat, copy, or try to do it at the beginning of class just before it is checked. High school students are especially prone to such acts. The students who want to excel will do it of their own accord, and the rest will avoid it like the plague. I have no interest in being a disciplinarian or a taskmaster, hence my reluctance to assign it. Of course, in most schools, homework is required by the administration whether the teachers like it or not. 

The exams I'd prefer to give would take an hour and would involve solving one somewhat challenging problem, perhaps one involving a proof. Since that would take a dozen or more steps, there would be plenty of chances for partial credit. Thus, a student who paid attention and made an honest effort would be very likely to get a passing grade, though maybe only a C or a D. Only good students who get the right answer deserve an A or a B in my view. Basically, a fair class should be easy to pass, but hard to get a good grade in. 

In the long run, grades don't matter much. Scores on tests like the ASVAB and SAT matter way more, as does passing licensing exams like the Fundamentals of Engineering test I took shortly before graduating college. Cs get degrees as the old saying goes, and anyone who can chew gum without crapping their pants can get a high school diploma in the US.  

Fortune and fame aren't worth it

The most famous people in history at least until the mid-20th century were all politicians, generals, along with a sprinkling of rich people, artists, and intellectuals. There weren't really famous people from any other category before then. Today, the most famous people are politicians, rich people, actors, musicians, and athletes. At least we have some more variety now. 

And what does all that fame get them? Mainly criticism and a lack of privacy. You have a lot more freedom as non-celebrity as only a small group of people even know what you say and do, much less care about it. In any case, fortune and fame often go together. It's hard to get one without ending up with a lot of the other. Money and power always find each other, hence the intense competition to succeed in politics. 

When I was younger, I had dreams of somehow making it into the history books and thus achieve a sort of immortality. It took a long time for me to realize how foolish I'd been. Pursuing excellence is good, but it's best not to go much further than that. It takes wisdom to understand that having enough is better than having too much. It's best to make peace with the fact that we will all be forgotten within a century or so of our demise unless we were exceptionally prominent in the areas historians judge as important.

A wise ancient Roman said: if glory comes after death, then I am in no hurry.

The lives of lottery winners before and after winning shows that sudden riches are quickly lost, and this is true as well for highly paid athletes and celebrities. A better goal is to become what I call comfortably poor. By that I mean, having enough money to pay for all your needs with little to no income. Of course, this is easier when you live frugally. That mainly entails not having expensive habits or tastes.

In the end, the only thing really worth having besides health is freedom.  

Thucydides said: the key to happiness is freedom and the key to freedom is courage. That might be the wisest thing anyone's ever said. 

On working dead-end jobs

There are many kinds of dead-end jobs. For me, the key aspect is a job that you do not enjoy any part of. I suspect many people consider their jobs dead-end even if they are relatively easy with good pay and benefits. 

If you need the money, it's best to work if you can, especially if others are dependent on you. Otherwise, why work a job you hate? Life is short and should be enjoyed. At least that's the way I see it.

By my own definition above, I've spent most of my working life in dead-end jobs. I don't want to do it again if I can avoid it. Fortunately, I believe I can somehow make a living in a comfortable way. 

A journey of thousand miles begins with one step, and it doesn't matter how slowly you move as long as you don't stop. It's best to keep such thoughts in mind when heading into new territory. 

We in the 21st century are lucky in that we are not condemned as our ancestors were to a lifetime of a drudgery on a farm. Why not make the most of that freedom? 

It can be hard to escape a dead-end job, but it is always worth it. Living frugally is an excellent defense besides having many other benefits. 

Aristotle's Wheel Paradox vs. Coin Rotation Paradox

Compare & Contrast

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aristotle%27s_wheel_paradox

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coin_rotation_paradox

Put another way: movement along a curved path is not the same as linear motion. Also, coupled rotation requires either a differential mechanism or slippage.

Teaching the test?

The above phrase is often meant as a pejorative, though the superior alternative is rarely elaborated upon. One such method from Hungary can be found here: 

https://bsmeducation.com/about/wolves-and-sheep/

The work of Paul Lockhart in this area is also worth reading. His basic thesis is that actual mathematicians rarely care about the practical applications of their ideas, and so the proper way to teach math is to treat it like art or music. That is, it is an expression of creativity with a strong aspect of play.

Common standardized tests like the SAT have a math section with about 60 questions with about 2.5 minutes max per question. Each question is about a different topic, so a well-prepared student will have been taught about each of those topics at some point.

These critical topics include: Pythagorean theorem, quadratic formula, binomial theorem, similar triangles, order of operations, solving simultaneous equations by elimination, etc. There are not that many topics and it would be easy enough for a competent teacher to cover them all in a school year. 

Ideally, students should be presented with unfamiliar problems and given a chance to use their creativity to figure them out on their own. Part of the joy of learning comes from discovery and the aspect of play. 

Instead, what usually happens, at least in most American classrooms, is that the teacher shows the students exactly how to do each problem and then assigns a few dozen nearly identical practice problems. I've heard this method called "drill and kill", and it seems an appropriately dour name. 

Part of the problem is that many math teachers themselves are not particularly good at nor interested in math. Far too many of them see math as formulas and algorithms to be memorized and regurgitated. The problem with that philosophy is that it leads to students who think they are good at math but actually are only good at following instructions. 

Bottom line, "drill and kill" has got to go and the cornerstone of "teaching the test" should be always letting the students try the problem first before the teacher explains the solution. It's also important to remember the Pareto principle in that only a relatively small number of concepts are going to be asked about on standardized tests. 

Should You Join the Army?

The following comments are broadly true of the US military, but since the Army is the only branch I have firsthand experience with, the usual caveats apply. So take what comes below with as much salt as you like. 

Here are good reasons for joining the Army: job training, money, always wanted to do it

And here are bad reasons for joining: travel, adventure, bragging rights

You can get excitement, a challenge, etc without agreeing to a multi-year commitment that might get you hurt or killed. Even being stuck in a miserable situation is something worth avoiding. 

Popular entertainment often imply that the hardest parts of military life are combat (something relatively few experience) or the physical rigors of training (heavy exercise, lack of sleep, and so on). I was almost 31 when I joined, so my perspective on hardship was different.

There are many hoops to jump through in the Army, and no matter how many you get through, there always seems to be another one. That gets tiresome. 

I expected petty harassment at basic training, so it didn't bother me. Then there was another round at DLI (Defense Language Institute), and more rounds at AIT (Advanced Individual Training) and BLC Basic Leader Course). All that happened by my third year in the Army. By that time, my patience for Army reindeer games was just about gone. 

Despite all that, I'm glad I joined. Learning Arabic and meeting the Army's physical fitness standards is something I took a lot of pride in. And the money was pretty good too. The job I had at NSA through the Army also made the journey worthwhile. I got to see something very few people know much about.

The fun GI Joe stuff of basic training only lasts a few weeks unless you do a combat arms MOS (job) like infantry, armor, or artillery. Like other soldiers, those guys spend most of their time doing boring stuff like watching PowerPoint presentations or doing boring online classes. 

Bottom line, if you join the military, be prepared to suffer. And remember that if you have a why, you can make do with any how. 

Navy SEALs have never been on the winning side of a war

Green Berets and other so-called special forces units have never been on the winning side of a war either. Yes, they're extremely brave and physically fit. That is irrelevant. Apache warriors were more physically fit and better fighters man for man than the 19th century US Army. The Apaches lost after several wars. So what does that tell you?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apache_Wars

And that's why the Army name an attack helicopter after them. 

My favorite disgruntled Vietnam vet explains it well: 

https://johntreed.com/blogs/john-t-reed-s-blog-about-military-matters/65802307-elite-military-units-army-rangers

From my own experience, I'll add that many Army instructors get stuck doing that as a punishment because they are so annoying and incompetent. They would be a cancer to morale if they were assigned elsewhere, especially to higher leadership roles. They would get themselves and their subordinates killed in combat. 

Army NCOs in general are overgrown juvenile delinquents who take pleasure in tormenting their underlings. The only remedy is to treat them with the contempt and disdain they deserve. Then and only then will they treat you with respect. At least that was my experience.

I like what the Army tries to be, but not what it is. It was the worst job I ever loved. 

Interesting formula involving intersecting chords

If two chords intersect forming segments of length A and B for the first and C and D for the second, then A times B = C times D. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersecting_chords_theorem

This theorem also implies an essential property of cyclic quadrilaterals. The proof of the theorem furthermore implies that all cyclic quadrilaterals are formed by 2 pairs of similar triangles.

For further reference, see:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brahmagupta%27s_formula

Facebook is full of scammers, bots, attention whores, and impostors

In November of 2024, I decided to add every friend suggested and went from about 300 to 5,000 in a few days. I was quickly bombarded with messages that all asked the same questions: where I live, what I do for a living, etc. So the novelty wore off fast and last week I decided it was time to cut ties with the many disingenuous people I'd befriended online. 

Sex scammers are by far the most common. After that comes money, weight loss, and religion. Not much of a surprise there. I'm tempted to estimate that somewhere around 90% of Facebook profiles are fraudulent in one way or another. If there's a sucker logging into Facebook every minute, there are at least 10 to take him it seems.

I suppose in retrospect this should not be surprising on a platform that has basically no barriers to entry. 

The main lessons I see are: it is easy to accumulate Facebook friends and it is also easy to get random women to send you naked or almost naked pictures and videos of themselves.

NSA Starts Dating Service

FORT MEADE - The National Security Agency has recently launched an online dating service. The initiative came as a result of pressure from the Department of Government Efficiency which requires that federal agencies be self-funding to the greatest extent possible. "We're excited by this new opportunity to both showcase our technical prowess as well as gain insights into threats to the homeland", said NSA Deputy Director Joanna Gambolputty. "It makes a lot of sense when you think about it since we already have everyone's contact info, address, online activity, etc.", she explained. 

When asked for comment, DOGE head Elon Musk said that the initiative was long overdue. "We have so much incredible technology that is not being properly leveraged. There's no reason why shouldn't be able to buy an NSA premium adult friend finder package to find another woman to bear my offspring", said the tech titan. "Furthermore, having a live-feed displayed on the big screens in my underwater volcano lair will provide much needed entertainment and useful work for my army of desk jockey minions. Whichever one of them finds a suitable mate for me gets an extra vacation day and a 6-month immunity period from being fired. High productivity is just at matter of creating the right incentives, after all."

Elsewhere, other groups have protested the move, including Citizens Against Government Efficiency (CAGE). The movement is based on an unusual alliance of hardcore libertarians and career bureaucrats. "Why would I or any other libertarian want the government to be more efficient? Efficient government is efficient tyranny", said Haywood Jablome, president of the Reformed Libertarian Party. Jablome's counterpart, Joshua Niedermeyer, is a former regional manager for the IRS. Niedermeyer added that "like so many others, I became a government employee for the job security, slow pace of work, obscene pay and benefits, and most importantly, a near total lack of accountability. All that is threatened by Musk's so-called efficiency experts. Well I say there are things people don't want the government to do efficiently. Important things!" This remark caused the mixed audience of libertarians and bureaucrats to cheer in agreement. 

 

Many foreign governments have expressed interest in the dating service, particularly those with dangerously low fertility rates. "Arranged marriages are an old-fashioned solution that simply won't work in much of the world", explained Sushi Nintendo of the Japanese Population Bureau. "Japan has always been at the forefront of solutions that combine both high technology and smothering conformism. Once all fertile citizens are registered with this service, mandatory dating can begin. As a bonus, this service will hopefully stifle nuisances such as anime hentai porn, soap lands, brothels, and weeaboo sex tourists."

How to Win Super Monkey Poop Fight

play the game here:

 

https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/297130

general tips:

-you get infinite lives so use them

-attack enemies from above or behind

-don't forget to duck; it lets you dodge projectiles and hit crouched and climbing enemies

-ignore birds; you don't need to kill them to clear a stage

-don't run into anything that isn't a bunch of bananas or an extra life

-don't attack enemies again until they stop blinking

-if you enjoy gore, let the gorilla attack you

-you can stomp on monkeys climbing on vines below you to make them fall

There are 25 levels and then a victory screen.

Proofs that 0.9999... = 1

Let x = 0.9999...

10x = 9.9999...

10x - x = 9.9999... - 0.9999...

9x = 9

x = 1

QED

Another way:

1/3 + 1/3 + 1/3 = 1

1/3 = 0.3333....

0.3333... + 0.3333... + 0.3333... = 1

0.9999... = 1

QED

One more way:

Let y = 0.1111....

10y = 1.1111...

10y - y = 1.1111... - 0.1111...

9y = 1

y = 1/9 

9y = 9(0.1111....)

9y = 0.9999...

1 = 0.9999...

QED

There are probably some uses for this insight, but I can't think of any off the top of my head.

All repeating decimals can be written as factions, and 1 is the same as the fraction 1/1. 

It must be the case that 0.9999... = 1 otherwise there is a repeating decimal that has no fractional counterpart. 

Alternative Education - My Ideal School

In my personal life as an adult, I've only needed to use math a few times per year, and it was rarely more complicated than algebra. As an engineer, I did most of my job-related math with Excel. Even so, I don't regret all the time I spent doing math problems because it turned out to be useful in a different way.

Teachers lie to students about the importance of the math (and other subjects) they study so that they don't get even lazier in the classroom. It would be better, I think, to tell students directly the true purpose of studying math: to develop their ability to think logically. 

There are many ways to develop that ability. Games like chess are particularly useful in addition to being more fun that doing textbook math problems. My ideal school would have a schedule something like this:

8:00 to 8:50 -     Swimming 

9:00 to 9:50 -     Chess

10:00 to 10:50 - Scrabble

11:00 to 11:50 - Music

12:00 to 12:50 - Lunch and free reading/writing period

1:00 to 1:50 -     Art

2:00 to 2:50 -     Video and Discussion

3:00 to 3:50 -     History/Geography trivia contest

The exact details are not important. The goal is to introduce a variety of hands-on activities that involve different mental abilities. It's a lot easier to get children to play a game than do traditional schoolwork. 

It's sad that many teachers measure their success by how much busywork they can compel their students to do. I met a teacher who flat out told me her goal was to make her students more tired than her at the end of the day. 

Ultimately, the students who want to learn will if given the chance. As for the others, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I suppose for the truly incorrigible, about the sanest and most humane option would be to simply have them copy the dictionary all day by hand. That at least develops their vocabulary and penmanship in addition to forcing them to read.

Otherwise, making school more like summer camp would have various benefits. For myself, I sometimes wonder if I would have been better off graduating from school as quickly as possible and pursuing my own interests independently. I probably would have been happier but might not have learned as much. 

The story of Michael Kearney should be an inspiration to everyone. Among his many academic achievements, he graduated from high school when he was 6 and college when he was 10. He remains the youngest person to do so. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kearney

If a motivated 6-year-old can graduate from an American high school, that tells me academic standards are a joke. It's one of the many reasons I'd like to see the end of compulsory education and the public school system, though I don't expect that to ever happen. 

Homeless, Senile Man Mistaken for Senator

WASHINGTON DC - A shabby, disheveled vagrant was escorted from a closed door-intelligence briefing at the Capitol today after a thorough examination, whereupon it was concluded that the stranger was not a senator. "I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you. We've become increasingly accustomed to members of Congress being elderly and strangely dressed, so at first glance, who was to know any better?" said Joanna Gambolputty, a senior political analyst at the RANT Institute. "But, lo and behold, it seems that once in a while, some rando just sort of waltzes by accident like Mr. Magoo, peering around with confused stares and babbling nonsense just like the rest of committee."

Security experts have recommended a number of measures to prevent such incidents in the future. These include special badges or headgear to be worn by Senators and Representatives. The headgear may be a sort of rigid helmet to protect the wearer from injury or a tall, conelike hat so that they may be seen from afar. In either case, the headgear with be fixed with a chinstrap. Others have suggested that for greater safety, members of Congress should not walk, but rather be transported everywhere by wheelchair. Additionally, to better provide emergency medical care, lawmakers ought to wear loose-fitting robes that can easily be opened.

Meanwhile, critics point out the fundamental flaws of such a perspective. "The Capitol is the people's house of our great democracy, not a country club," opined Senator Fetterman while dressed in his trademark hoodie and basketball shorts. "I dress for comfort, just like many other Americans, and it's a courtesy we ought to extend to everyone, including lawmakers on Capitol Hill", he added while chewing gum and playing with a cup and string. Fetterman thus far has been able to skirt the dress code on the Senate floor by voting from the cloakroom. This longstanding compromise was intended as a replacement to the historical and much more arduous Hot Lava Rule whereby improperly attired lawmakers were not allowed to touch the floor, but instead had to leap from one piece of furniture to the next. 

However, as the median age of politicians steadily increased, it became necessary to discard most of the more dramatic and physical events, such as the old rule by which the Speaker of House had to swing on a rope to the podium, dip his hands in grease, and then wrestle the gavel away from the previous speaker. Although it was passed with bipartisan agreement, the Rambunctious Roughhousing Reduction act was vetoed by Teddy Roosevelt in 1905 but was later overridden by the so-called Wuss and Sissy Caucus.     

EPA Declares California Celebrities an Endangered Species

LOS ANGELES - "Now that much of their already small habitat has been destroyed by wildfires, we are stepping in to protect this unique, majestic American species", said EPA spokeswoman Joanna Gambolputty. "For far too long, we neglected the conservation of this keystone species, who number less than 4,000 in the wild according to the Hollywood Walk of Fame", she added. Experts have warned that the West Coast Celebrity is in danger of extinction unless they can make the arduous migration to a handful of sanctuaries such as Aspen and Manhattan. This is unlikely as the West Coast Celebrity is notoriously vulnerable to deadly parasites known as "paparazzi".

To make matters worse, a vast and hostile wasteland known informally as "Flyover Country" straddles the main migration routes of the West Coast Celebrity. Celebrity conservation experts have suggested luring the celebrities to a central location where they may then be corralled onto private jets and transported to sanctuaries where they may be safely released. However, this raises ethical concerns as almost nothing can attract a West Coast Celebrity except the prospect of cocaine and sex with underage teenagers. Even if the celebrities were successfully relocated, there is no guarantee they would successfully breed, as their young require prestigious private schools in which to mingle with politicians.

Others have proposed importing celebrities from overseas to boost native stocks. This approach has been successful many times in the past with celebrities from Canada, though their ecosystem has suffered as creatures like Brian Adams and Justin Trudeau have gone out of control with the lack of natural predators. According to celebrity expert Hugh Jass of Miskatonic University, "these majestic yet fragile creatures live in a delicate balance with their environment. Without sufficient camera time and public adulation, they tragically wither and die, thus forcing other species such as professional athletes, politicians, and rich people to shoulder the ecological burden of entertaining Americans."

Jass noted that it may be possible to condition scientists such as Anthony Fauci to be nearly identical to a celebrity and suggested that mass media seems to play a pivotal role in celebrity reproduction. "It's well known that the children of celebrities are usually celebrities, but the truly intriguing aspect of their life cycle is that nearly anyone can become a celebrity given the right circumstances, as seen for example in the case of the Hawk Tuah girl", Jass added. Jass remains optimistic about the future of American celebrities. "If Al Gore can become a minor celebrity, I can say with confidence we will never reach the much feared 'Peak Celebrity' crisis that was predicted in the 70s."

Alternative Method for Solving Quadratic Equations (analogous to Laplace transforms and Karatsuba algorithm)

I ought to give credit to YouTuber Wrath of Math for enlightening me about this method:

A Forbidden Jutsu for Quadratic Equations

Say we have 6x^2 + 15x + 9 = 0

It factors into (3x + 3)(2x +3) = 0. It can also be solved by completing the square and the quadratic formula. But is there another way?

We make a new equation whereby we divide the first term by 6 and multiply the last term by 6. That gives us:

y^2 + 15y + 54 = 0

This factors easily into (y + 9)(y + 6) = 0, and so y = -9 and -6.

Now we divide those answers by 6 to get x = -1.5 and -1. Those are indeed the correct answers to the original problem.

The genius of this method is that we convert the equation into something that can be easily factored and then just divide the roots by coefficient of the squared term. Overall, it requires less arithmetic than the quadratic formula or completing the square. 

It works because the manipulation to get the simple equation is equivalent to multiplying the right side of the quadratic formula by the coefficient of the squared term. 

Of course, this method only works on quadratics that can be factored. But it sidesteps the difficulty of the initial factorization. 

There are various famous mathematical techniques for converting a hard problem to an easy one, solving the easy one, and then turning the answer into the answer of the original question. 

A New US Military Strategy - nuclear deterrence, tariffs, drones, and cyber

If the US cannot win asymmetric (counterinsurgency) wars (as proven in Vietnam and Afghanistan) and will not fight conventional wars, it is insane for it to spend so much on weapons like tanks, ships, subs, and aircraft. The all-volunteer force also puts some hard limits on how many combat troops the US could deploy even if there was massive public support for a costly war. 

Given that the US is reluctant to take or inflict heavy casualties (that is WW2 levels), aside from nuclear deterrence, there is not much of a job left for the US military except perhaps providing intel and training to allies as seen in Ukraine. And really the decisive factor in those cases is supply: men, money, weapons, spare parts, and ammo. 

It's also worth noting that there is no relevant difference between tariffs and sanctions except in perception. Tariffs are much more likely to encourage successful negotiations. Tariffs can also be easily reversed without losing face. 

When it comes to direct military action, the US should not do much in addition to cyber-attacks and drone strikes, and even those have limited utility. 

Historically, the US has only succeeded in changing the regimes of much weaker countries such as Panama and Iraq. Such countries were never a threat to the US to begin with. 

To put it another way, there are wars America can't win because it won't fight them. And that is not necessarily a bad thing as the history of nuclear deterrence shows. 

There is not much use in the US government conducting information or psychological warfare as American media has already saturated that battlefield. 

My Epic 2020 Army Rant

A brief intro is in order here. I referenced this in my autobiography, so I thought it merited its own post. It is edited slightly from the original. Indeed, this rant became the foundation for my autobiography. 

counselings = forms with written feedback given to subordinates

BLC = Basic Leader Course

DLI = Defense Language Institute

NCO = non-commissioned officer (AKA sergeant)

Derpetology: Story of My Life - part 1

***

5,000 words on monthly counselings or, the Bible of Harty

Today, 27 August 2020, I went to the O-room to share my thoughts on ATP 6-22.1, the Army regulation regarding counselings, as I had been ordered. I was able to make a few points before I was interrupted, yelled at, and ordered to write 5,000 words, in spite of the fact that monthly counselings are usually about 300 words. 

Today’s outburst was the culmination of being criticized by 5 different people on as many occasions for writing counselings that contained 80 words or less, as well as having 3 hours of my time wasted on a question (how many words do you want me to put in a counseling?) that could have been answered in 30 seconds and was by another NCO I asked. I hope this document will shed some light on why I write the way I do.

According to the aforementioned regulation, counseling is one of the most important responsibilities. This was one of the many bald assertions presented without evidence in that regulation. If it were in my power, everyone responsible for that worthless gibberish would be court-martialed for incompetence and fired out of cannon into a brick wall while junior enlisted soldiers in TRADOC watched from bleachers, where they would eat popcorn and cheer with every bang, splat, and thud. 

It is also worth noting that there is nothing in the regulation about a minimum number of words in a counseling, or a minimum amount of time that must be spent counseling, or a minimum number of questions that must be asked. In fact, aside from the page numbers and references, it contains no numbers in the text at all.  I will note that the largest part of a counseling is called Summary of the Counseling Session. 

To prove to myself that I’m not crazy, I looked up the definition of the word summary and found: a brief statement or account of the main points of something. In a sane world, that would be in the end of the argument, and I would not need to write this. Let us for a moment consider the logistics of writing 5,000 words per soldier counseled every month. Over the course of a year, that would be 120,000 words, the length of an average novel. 

For comparison the notoriously long novel War and Peace is about 600,000 words. Here is as good a place as any for a brief digression on numbers. I like them because I used to be a math teacher and an engineer. It’s how I make sense of the world. It’s the reason I am able to write this on a computer, a machine that operates on mathematical principles. 

I’ve heard in the Army and outside of it that perception is reality. Suppose that’s true. If I perceive that counselings are a waste of time, then the reality is that they are a waste of time. Of course, I don’t believe this at all, the part about perception and reality being the same, I mean. Perception and reality are different. That’s why we use different words for each of them. Those words are not synonyms. There is a reason we have concepts such as optical illusions and magic tricks. 

During today’s meeting, I spoke a bit about the quarterly counselings students at DLI get. They were very cut and dry, if I remember correctly. We’d verify our phone numbers and GPAs, sign them, and hand them back. I came to associate counseling with pointless paperwork we do because we must. I have an obligation to obey lawful orders so I try to. I do not have an obligation to enjoy it or agree with the rationale behind it. 

If I am ordered to stand on my head and gargle peanut butter, I will do everything in my power to accomplish that task. I will however, not have much respect left for the one who gave that order. Also in the meeting I was told the story of a soldier who received many good counselings but later had 2 DUIs. That’s not open and shut, but it is a dramatic counterexample to the notion that good counselings lead to good behavior. 

In my view, as soon as the soldier was noticed being drunk in public, there at a minimum should have been a face-to-face meeting as well as non-judicial punishment. Had it been my soldier, I would have ordered him to spend 2 hours every Friday and Saturday night for a year picking up litter around the barracks. That would have been a double whammy – cleaner barracks and a greatly reduced chance that another soldier would make the same poor decision. 

My soldiers are squared away. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t be going to BLC, which is a topic I will discuss later in this piece. What do you tell a person who is doing a good job aside from things like: keep up the good work, set new goals, keep me informed, etc? Do I have to write them love notes and put happy face stickers on the counselings like they are kids in elementary school? 

Let me talk some about brevity. It is good. There is not much of it in this paper, but it is good none the less. The most famous and esteemed speech in US history is the Gettysburg Address. It’s only 187 words long. It’s shorter than the NCO Creed, which is 288 words. The Gettysburg Address is so good that it’s been chiseled in marble on monuments. School children memorize it. I have read a number of counselings from other NCOs, and I have to say they were not exactly page turners. 

It is endlessly amusing to me that there are NCOs who think they are Shakespeare because they can fill up the whole box with words. On a side note, the first sentence of the NCO creed contains a grammatical error. It should be “no one is more professional than me” not “no one is more professional than I”. The word "than" is a preposition, so the word following is an object of a preposition and should therefore be in the objective case. I know this because I paid attention to grammar in school and the person who wrote the NCO creed did not and was making a feeble and inept attempt to write something decent. 

Now let us consider BLC. Perhaps the course has changed since I was a student in it a year and a half ago. Perhaps even at some point in the past, it was a course worth taking. I can assure you that the course I took was far and away the worst class I’ve taken in my entire life. It’s easily the worst class in the Army and it might even be the worst class theoretically possible.  It’s 23 days in a row of 5 AM wake ups, standing in line for meals, shouting slogans in unison, and watching PowerPoint 8 hours a day. 

It teaches about as much about leadership as watching paint dry and is about as mentally stimulating. I’d say the most memorable part was when I got counseled for getting annoyed during a lesson about counseling. If this was a novel, that would be called “foreshadowing”. During a supremely asinine lesson, we broke into groups wrote words on the board related to counseling and took turns describing them. Well, in my group, I suggested nothing and when it was time to present, my group immediately ran away, most likely because they expected me to have some choice words on the matter. 

I did. I pointed at the board and said: so they wrote these words on the board. Does anyone not know what they mean? The teacher demanded I elaborate. I said it was all elementary school vocabulary, and I see no point in explaining that to a room full of high school graduates. He did not take that well, so we went into another room where I asked him if he thought I was a stupid man, because there could not possibly be any other reason to spend that much time on so basic a subject. 

He decided he didn’t like my attitude, so he gave me a negative counseling, which destroyed any incentive I had to do more than the bare minimum to graduate. BLC was far and away the worst experience of my time in the Army. It was a concentrated form of everything I don’t like about it. 

It appears that a lot of 35P soldiers also didn’t like BLC. Of the dozen or so I knew from DLI, not a single one of them plans on re-enlisting. And the big picture is even worse – only about 9% of 35P soldiers re-enlist vs 40% for their USAF and Navy equivalents. You don’t need to be the Brahmin of Baker Street to figure that one out. Back in the van, Scooby, this mystery is solved. 

I was proud of the post course eval I wrote for BLC. It was one of my finest rants. I said that after 20 years of school, civilian and military, that BLC was the worst class I’ve ever taken and that it will cause catastrophic damage to the Army if it continues. Everyone with a brain or a spine is going to leave and the only ones left will be people who are scared of getting yelled at and have a high tolerance for PowerPoint. 

I distinctly remember being told bring a long list of things to BLC and almost all of them never left my duffel bag. The only minor victory was when I contacted the packing list creator beforehand and asked him if I really needed to bring my ASU. He said I did not, so at least I did not have to pack that. It felt less than wonderful to do that lay out for the stuff I didn’t need for the class that shouldn’t exist. 

I would like to write some about some of the colorful characters I met at BLC, by which I mean they were the most appallingly obnoxious people I’ve ever met, and the fact that I did no violence to them should be a testament to my superhuman patience and restraint. The first was a morbidly obese National Guardsman who later distinguished himself by being caught cheating on a walking test, which is just about the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard. He fell behind, so he tried to run when he though no one could see him. 

I also learned from him that some Guard units do not bother enforcing height and weight standards. The other decided it would be fun to annoy me relentlessly. When I very gently pushed him away from my computer he was using without my permission after I told him to step aside, he was how dare you this and I’m gonna beat you up, etc. Well, threats of violence are one of the things that provoke white hot homicidal rage in me, and when those words left his lips, I gave him such a fearsome scowl that he whimpered in fright and never said a single word to me for the last 3 days of the course. 

The other one, the fat one, upon seeing this, decided it was in the best interest of his survival not to annoy me again. Which I was fine with, because the most useful thing those 2 could ever do would be to get shot so more competent soldiers could use their corpses as sandbags. 

I suppose this is a good a time as any to recount some of the various times people tried to bully me and how I made them stop. At DLI, my platoon sergeant annoyed and insulted me constantly. I never had a single positive or constructive interaction with him.  Not a single one. I sent an email to another NCO which he took great offense to, for you see I referred to the receiving NCO as merely Sgt, as though I were speaking to him. 

I should have just searched how to write an Army email beforehand, but as I was busy studying Arabic at the time, it slipped my mind. Well anyway, the insufferable NCO decided to chime in and scold me for not using the proper rank and gave his rank as something like Supreme Lord High Commander Staff Sergeant [his name], esquire. So I replied to his email and I addressed him by the rank he had just then bestowed upon himself. 

And that was the last time he ever wrote me an email or spoke unkindly to me. When I was out processing, he asked me how did on the test. Without looking up, I said: I passed, sergeant. Then I turned around and left. 

At Goodfellow AFB, another platoon sergeant also decided it was her mission in life to annoy, insult, and criticize me non-stop. I had about a dozen interactions with her in 11 weeks and the only positive one was when she told me I dropped my wallet. The last thing I said to her was during a breathalyzer test. She angrily asked me why I stopped blowing, and I answered by saying very slowly in a clear voice: I. ran. out. of. breath. I said it as though I were speaking to dumb person who was also half-deaf. 

After I made it abundantly clear how little I thought of her, she changed her ways. I saw here one more time before I left Goodfellow, at she didn’t even look at me. She was looking at the ground and had the mannerisms of a beaten dog. Her body language was a glowing neon sign that said: please forgive me, please don’t hate me.  

I’ve crossed a bit over the 2,000 word mark now after about 2 hours of writing. So you can see now, hopefully, that I can write a lot when I want to. I can be verbose, rambling, long-winded. I can lead you down a magnificent and winding garden path of the most exquisite nouns, verbs, and adjectives. I could also write the Army counseling equivalent of Eugene Onegin, but I won’t because that’s stupid.

Back on topic. The last job I had before the Army, I was working at a plastic bag factory in Texas, which is about as exciting as it sounds. There was a minor mishap. Something was supposed to get shipped and wasn’t because of someone else’s mistake. I went to my boss for help. He decided the wisest course of action was to spend the next hour giving me a lecture that began with him bragging about is very high IQ and ended with him threatening that the world would chew me up and spit me out. 

I tried to make patch things up, but I ended getting fired about 6 months later. I do not regret making fun of his business writing which was horrid. I never thought a college-educated, native speaker of English could write so badly until I met that man. High IQ, my foot. Bad writing goes together with bad thinking. 

On the subject of intelligence, I’ll say this much. Whatever my other faults, I’m pretty sure I’m not stupid. I got a perfect score on the ASVAB, which is I guess is not super impressive as it is designed for high school graduates. I have a degree in chemical engineering. I speak Swahili and understand 7 dialects of Arabic. I made it through one of longest and hardest courses in the Army at the age of 32. So I tend to take a dim view of people who try to condescend to me in matters of intellect. I take a dim view of people who condescend to me on any basis. One of my favorite sayings is: people who try to drag you down are already beneath you. 

I’d like to talk a bit more about DLI here. DLI probably flunks out more students than any school in the world. There were about 400 soldiers studying Arabic while I was there. 200 of them graduated, 100 were active duty, and minus the ones who got chaptered or med-boarded or later flunked a DLPT and reclassed or separated, most of them are now here. This base is one big DLI reunion. 

Let’s lighten up the tone a bit. Perhaps you’ve wondered about how I got into the Army. It is an indeed an epic tale. I decided to join the Army in January of 2015 after being fired from the plastic bag factory. At the time, I weighed 207 pounds because I ate and drank away my sorrows with beer and Texas BBQ. I had to lose 49 pounds to get into the Army. That took about 6 months during which time I walked 10 to 15 miles on a treadmill every. single. day. I went the recruiters once a week where they checked my progress and gave me more PT to do. One of them said he had seen me with my shirt off more than his wife. 

So then off to basic where I had fun with the drill sergeants. You know you’ve broken a drill sergeant’s spirit when they stop yelling at you and start saying please. Achievement unlocked. I’d say my best exchange happened when I was standing in line to throw practice grenades. As the shortest male, I was always at the front, and so I became the one who gathered the mail and put it in the mailbox as we marched past. On this day, while waiting in line, a soldier asked: did you get the mail? I said yes. He asked: did you put it in the mailbox? 

Here, dear reader, is a wonderful proof that stupid questions do indeed exist. They’re the ones stupid people ask. They don’t get smart enough just in time to ask the question. I said to him, in a somewhat firmer tone: yes, I put the mail in the mailbox. That’s why when you asked ‘did you get the mail’ I said YES! 

Well, that got the attention of the Drill Sergeant. I forget the entire exchange, but the last thing I said to him was: I haven’t called you anything except Drill Sergeant, Drill Sergeant. I was tempted to work a few more instances of drill sergeant in my response, but I figured I made my point. 

Now as for the Swahili part, surely you’re wondering, how the hell did that happen? Well, in 2006, my brother joined the Army to fly Blackhawk helicopters. I figured it would be too much for my parents if we both joined, so I did the Peace Corps instead. Yes, the Peace Corps, fighting fire with marshmallows since 1961. I spent 27 months in Tanzania where I taught math to guys ranging in age from 17 to 21. I also climbed Mt Kilimanjaro, survived malaria, and wrote a science book in Swahili. If you want copy, let me know. 

There is an English translation after each section. Starting to believe now that I can write a lot if I want to? Fun fact: there’s a part of Africa called the Sahel which is the border between the Sahara desert and the grassland. Sahel means coast in Arabic. The plural is Sawahil, which is where the name for Swahili comes from. I guess you could translate it literally as Coastish. When Arabs and Africans met to trade, they needed a common language, so that’s how it started. Knowing it made it way easier to learn Arabic because I knew about 1,000 words of it already from Swahili words that are the same. 

Anyway, much to my chagrin, when I got back and pondered joining the Army, I was told there was a 5 year cool off period between Peace Corps and being an Army linguist. I forget the reg for that, but I have read it. So it was 5 years of working in engineering and tutoring math on the side while I tried the civilian life. Back when I was getting ready to graduate high school in 2003, I wanted to be a Marine linguist, but reconsidered when I got a college scholarship to study engineering. Hmm. Get paid to get a valuable degree or join the Marines and maybe get blown up in Iraq? I don’t regret my decision except that that had I joined then, I’d be 3 years away from retirement now. 

Well gee whiz, 3300 words in 3 hours. I’m making great time. Let’s talk some more numbers. I’ve spent about 2,400 hours studying Arabic in class and a similar amount on the job and on my own. I’ve read that it takes about 10,000 hours of practice to master a skill, and I do feel about halfway there. On the job, I’ve listened to about 1,000 hours of audio and found things that went into dozens of reports. I’m pretty sure I’m not less effective than others with the same training and time in service. So perhaps you can imagine why I do not appreciate being chewed out over routine paperwork. 

What’s really sad are the guys that make it through the language training, which is the longest and hardest part and never get to do the job. I know at least 2 cases of that and one was my room mate at Goodfellow. We were in the same class at DLI and knew each other pretty well.  He had a family emergency and had to go back to DLI. While there, he injured himself during an APFT, got surgery, and ended up getting med boarded. 

Very smart guy, went on immersion overseas, never spent a second working a mission. Seeing things like that made me feel very lucky about having the job I do. The other guy I met at DLI. He made it through the language course and then went to airborne school. When he jumped, his line didn’t release at first, he banged into the plane a bunch of times which caused many neck and back injuries, and barely recovered consciousness before he hit the ground. So he got to hang around DLI for a year or so while he got med-boarded. There but for the grace of God, go I. 

How about a funny DLI story instead? I had the room to myself most of the time. When I got a room mate, he didn’t say a word to me for a month. I found out later that somebody told him that I had been a mercenary in Africa, which is why I was old as hell and could speak Swahili. I never thought I would have to say “no, I was not a mercenary in Africa”, but there it is. While we’re on funny, I did stand-up comedy for about 3 years before I joined the Army. Pretty much all open mic nights, but still. 

I performed about 500 times. I’m pretty sure the only reason I got promoted was because I made the Sergeant Major laugh during a board. He asked me to do some rifle flipping, and since I had forgotten many of the moves, I ended up doing an impromptu Buster Keaton routine. Back to my DLI room mate for a bit. He nearly flunked out and the reason they put him in my room was that they thought somehow, I could save him. I did my best to tutor him and he made it to the end of the course. He flunked the DLPT the first time around but last I heard, is now at Fort Meade. All’s well that ends well. Let it not be said that I do not try to help other people. 

OK, about 1,000 words to go. The home stretch! What else should I rant about? How about wacky hijinks in the barracks here? My first taste of that was the spring of 2018 a few months after I got here. A guy in a room the floor below me had a big, loud party going full steam at 2 AM. In every room of the barracks, there is a policy letter, and in one section, it states explicitly that noise is to be kept to a minimum at all times. I went to the party host and simply said: It’s 2 AM. A lot of people seem to think that no curfew means they can be loud as hell whenever they want. 

A few months later and a few similar parties later, a 1SG came through the barracks and woke me up. He was looking for a 16 year old girl who had gone missing. Now, you might be wondering, why would he be looking for a 16 year old girl in the barracks? And then it hit me. At some of those parties, there were a lot of people that looked very young, like high school age. Why, one might suspect that perhaps there was even underage drinking! So a few months later, another party by the same guy in same room is going at 2 AM. My room mate at the time was on funeral detail, so he worked most weekends. Hence he needs to sleep. 

So I go down there, barge in the room, unplug what I thought was for the stereo (it was actually for the lamp) and inform them that this isn’t night club, the barracks are for sleeping, that’s why there are beds in the rooms. One guy threatens me, the host pushed me out. I told them that the bars on base close at midnight and the bars off base close at 2 AM, so enough. Party’s over. The host tried to convince me that he had connections to the MPs, like he’s the boss of the E4 Mafia or something. 

Anyway, he said they’d wrap it up. 30 minutes, still going, still loud, still yelling. I call the MPs and tell them that this is a noise complaint, not an emergency. I didn’t even mention being shoved. The guy came later with our 1SG and though he didn’t mention it, it was clear that was the end of the loud partying. Another victory for Hardcore Harty vs the Forces of Nuisance. 

In November of last year, there was an influx of guys with extra loud exhaust systems, a concept I always found curious. It’s called a muffler because it muffles sound, or at least that’s what it would do unless some drooling imbecile haphazardly replaces it so he can pretend he’s driving a race car as he goes back and forth from PT on a road with a 25 mph speed limit. 

I can’t say I particularly enjoyed being woken up over and over and over by the same miscreants who decided that a lame re-enactment of Fast and Furious was their highest calling in life. The day I had to go to that NCO meeting after the rash of speeding tickets gave me a reason to pursue the matter more vigorously. I went to the MPs, told them where and when people were stricken with sudden cases of lead feet, and hoped for the best. 

Alas, it was not to be. One Saturday night in December, I heard somebody gunning their engine in the parking lot. I went out to investigate. I’m 35. I’m an NCO. I have the rules on my side. This nuisance ends to night. There were 2 of them. I told them to stop and then to go to bed. One of them decided he didn’t have to listen to me and went Wrestlemania on me. He shoved me into a car, I shoved back, that went on for a bit. We grappled, I lost my balance, fell. and when I got up, he had wisely decided to back off about 20 feet. 

So what am I to do? Go berserk and give him the beating he richly deserves? No, I don’t want to lose the job I worked so hard for or make trouble for my unit. Another soldier had without me asking, taken my Xmas staff duty slot, which was great because then I was free to spend the day with family and friends. 

I also appreciated the fact that it was about at that time that my pride and joy, the new company mascot and theme was unveiled. It would be ungrateful to make trouble after that. I found out the guy’s name because his very stupid friend said it during the fight. It was an uncommon name, so I went to staff duty, got the roster, and matched the name to the pictures he very stupidly posted of himself online. Checkmate. Not quite, as it turned out. 

When I went to his old unit and explained what happened, they said he left the Army recently so the only option left was to make a statement with the MPs. I did that, never heard anything back. I told a few other people, while I have no proof of it, I’m pretty sure my assailant got punished, because when I was walking to the gym one day, some guy in a hot rod gunned his engine extra loud as soon as he saw me. 

There was blue smoke and I could smell a head gasket burning. I haven’t seen or heard that car since, nor have I seen either of those 2 guys. So you see, I do stick my neck out to do the right thing, help people, maintain order and discipline, etc. It would sure be great if the other NCOs could find it in their hearts not to hassle me because my counselings are not quite as long as theirs. That would be wonderful. I’m almost at the 5,000 word mark after 3 hours of writing, so here are a few closing thoughts:

If paperwork killed enemy, there wouldn’t be any left.

If PowerPoint made people smarter, everyone in the Army would be a genius. 

And lastly, 

There is no point in tiptoeing through life just to arrive safely at death.

v/r

SGT Harty

***

NSA Harassed Karen Stewart (Zersetzung, Gaslighting)

I found it interesting that she also referred to her torment as Zersetzung, which means "deconstruction" in German and is the official term the Stasi East German secret police used to describe its harassment, psychological torture, and gaslighting of dissidents.

No Acknowledgment from DIRNSA Admiral Rogers of Internal NSA Misconduct and Retaliation Newly Reported by NSA Whistleblower Karen Stewart | The EveryDay Concerned Citizen

***

As Ms. Stewart wrote last December to DIRNSA Admiral Rogers:

“I was fraudulently fired at the 28 year point in my career at NSA essentially because of the best work of my career, which cost me my job so that upper management in Weapons & Space (Robert G, Drew M) could “reward” an incompetent woman, Margarita L, in my office for her prolific sexual favors to W&S upper management, as witnessed by Cindy V H, by fraudulently crediting her with my work (award-winning support of Operation Iraqi Freedom) so that she could receive my double promotion.” Karen Stewart, Letter to DIRNSA, 22 Dec, 2016

***

Her original letter in full:

letter-names-redacted-from-karen-stewart-to-dirnsa-admiral-mike-rogers-22-dec-2016.pdf

More on her experience in her own words:

American “Zersetzung” - The Washington Standard

A summary of my ordeal is here:

Derpetology: NSA Zersetzung (Gaslighting)

My autobiography goes into greater detail:

Derpetology: Story of My Life - part 1

California Fire Traced to Candlelight Vigil for Victims of Last Fire

LOS ANGELES - Tragedy has struck the Golden State once more with a deadly blaze which killed more than a dozen and left hundreds homeless. "It's a catastrophe on multiple levels", said California Fire Prevention Spokeswoman Joanna Gambolputty. "The area burned down was prime habitat for both the Spotted Owl and the Delta Smelt, both endangered. We must all work harder to fight climate change and save the earth from fire. We urge all mourners to consider holding a glow stick or sparkler vigil in order to prevent another fire. On second thought, as glow sticks and sparklers are known to the state of California to cause cancer, please illuminate any vigils with your smartphone screens."

Meanwhile, the US Forestry Service has been working on updates to its famous mascot Smokey the Bear. Critics have long noted the bear's troubling connection to toxic masculinity and heteronormativity with his signature campaign hat. The hat, also known as a campaign hat, is worn by Army drill sergeants and traces its history to the brutal, imperialist war the US Army waged against indigenous fighters in the Philippines at the turn of the 20th century. The same war gave birth to the notorious Colt 45 pistol now heavily favored by MAGA supporters and other far right militants. Furthermore, say critics, the fact that Smokey is both shirtless and shoeless could be seen as insensitive to both the homeless and the undocumented immigrant communities.

"Clearly, we as Californians can no longer allow such hateful imagery in light of a second Trump term", said Governor of California Gavin Newsome. "Some time ago, I appointed a special blue-ribbon commission to brainstorm more peaceful, tolerant and inclusive mascots which are in line with our official policy of diversity, equity, and inclusion." So far, only a few details of the new mascot have been publicized, but it has been revealed that the new mascot will have a Spanish name, wear a rainbow tutu, and be an herbivore of some kind, possibly a squirrel.       

California celebrities have pitched in with their own fire prevention awareness raising effort dubbed Learning Man. It will a feature a concert and other events hosted by Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye the Science Guy. Paris Hilton will run the kissing booth, Barbara Streisand the dunk tank, and Bill Maher has promised to bring enough condoms and lube for everyone. The public is cautioned that no outside fruits or vegetables will be allowed and to be prepared to use "San Francisco bathrooms".

Supercut - my most memorable moments

 The timeframe is roughly from 2008 to 2021

I graduated Army basic training in early 2016.

A giant spider I saw near Morogoro, Tanzania in 2007.

I visited Egypt on my way back from Africa in 2009.

The dinosaur bone I dug up in Wyoming in 2021

Taken on safari in Mikumi in 2007

The day I decided to join the Army in January 2015

Mt Kilimanjaro with the school I taught at in the foreground

Me at the peak of Kilimanjaro in 2009

The Uluguru Mountains near Morogoro 

A red African maggot that fell out of an orange I was about to eat

skydiving in 2011

doing standup in 2012

A thin me back in 2008

My YouTube Channel

I haven't added any new content since 2022, nor do I plan to. It includes my comedy videos along with my musings on math, history, and politics. Below is a video of my first and only skydive. 

What is America's "National Interest" exactly?

I've heard the phrase above many times without it ever being defined. So here's my attempt at a definition.

The basic ingredients are peace and prosperity. Peace means the absence of armed conflict at home and abroad. Thus, a peaceful nation is not at war and has low crime. Also, its borders are secure, and its population is roughly stable. High levels of emigration or immigration signal serious problems, and below replacement fertility is a sign that something is disastrously wrong. 

As for prosperity, that means low unemployment, high literacy, and a low cost of living. Breaking those down further, low unemployment requires low taxes and few regulations. High literacy requires good schools and libraries. A low cost of living requires cheap food, energy, and housing. 

Here are the requirements to get all those things:

-secure the border

-avoid alliances

-build oil refineries and nuclear reactors

-cut spending, taxes, and regulations

-build cheap housing