Fear causes voice pitch to rise.
The scream at the 3:14 mark of the above video is what a dying scream sounds like.
Saturday, July 12, 2025
Aliens Invade Earth; Women and Minorities Hardest Hit
LOS ANGELES - "While it appears that this is an extermination campaign, it has largely spared rural America which skews older, whiter, and more Republican," explained associate professor of political science Susan McGee-Maus from the ruins of UCLA. Meanwhile, many experts have blamed Trump for the botched response. "We've known for decades that the universe contains countless planets, so it's just ridiculous for Trump to claim that no one could have predicted this," said Joy Behar, noted astronomer and host of The View.
Although Trump mentioned reports from Wyoming and West Virginia that concentrated small arms fire can repel and even disable the enemy war machines, this remains unconfirmed. In response, the CDC reiterated that a gun in the home is far more likely to harm an innocent than a hostile extraterrestrial. Elsewhere, a Black Lives Matter protest against the aliens was incinerated by heat rays. "Unfortunately, it appears these murderous intergalactic beasts are immune to accusations of racism, and efforts to shame them on Twitter have had no effect. I call on our nation's finest minds to find another way to guilt trip them," said black leader Jesse Jackson.
Environmentalists and feminists have also reacted. The Sierra Club has stated that the devastation presents an opportunity to reduce carbon emissions and overpopulation. The National Organization for Women has called for stronger efforts to prevent abduction, unless the aliens turn out to be sexy. "If they're tall and make a decent amount of whatever it is they use for money, I'd be willing to wear a Princess Leia bikini for them," said Gloria Steinem. While Trump has authorized the military to counterattack with whatever means available, mobilization has been hindered as commanders struggle to create a cool name for the operation. Experts say it will likely be a present participle followed by an animal.
Nation's College Deans Move Back With Their Parents
HARVARD - "I never thought it would happen to me" said Joanna Gambolputty, Dean of Gender Studies at Harvard University. "My parents told me it's time to get a real job and I already signed up to train as a diversity advisor. It's not as prestigious, but I need to be practical." Although the dean workforce has taken a hit, administrative staff have largely been spared the pinch. "The enrollment slump has forced our hand financially" said Colin Kantser, Harvard's CFO. "It turns out that deans mainly go to lunch with other deans and wealthy donors. All that's gone up in smoke since social distancing started."
Meanwhile, Harvard's outreach department has struggled to convince prospective students that it is worth it to spend $200,000 for four years of Zoom classes. "We've offered students the chance to send life-size cardboard cut-outs of themselves to campus instead. The cut-outs have smart phones attached to the face and they are wheeled about by rejected Harvard applicants in exchange for 5 credit hours per semester and a budget meal plan" added Kantser. Elsewhere, Ivy League fraternities have been adjusting to the new normal. "There's no sugar-coating it: our ceremonies are a lot more impressive in person" said a Skull and Bones member who wished to remain anonymous. "I mean, how can we pretend to be a super cool secret society when any moderately clever yahoo from 4chan can Zoom bomb us?"
The member added that the Skull and Bones has recently added Captcha and two-factor verification to keep out would-be interlopers. In contrast, host of Dirty Jobs Mike Rowe repeated his call to consider skilled trades rather than college. "The average US welder is 50 years old. There is an enormous demand for these and other truly essential workers. There is no modern society without electricians, plumbers, mechanics, carpenters, HVAC, and other tradesmen. Not everyone is cut out to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, and it is a great tragedy for so many young people to waste years and rack up tons of debt for worthless degrees" said Rowe as he used a backhoe to dig up a malfunctioning septic tank. "A wise man once said that opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work. It's true. A lot of the really useful work is boring and dirty, but someone's got to do it." Rowe then inadvertently ripped the septic tank out of the ground and sprayed the camera crew and himself with raw sewage.
KKK, Antifa Merge to Form Klantifa
PORTLAND - "We've decided to join forces to achieve our common goals", said Imperial Cyclops Leroy Jenkins. "Our message is clear: white men, white women: the swastika and/or the anarchist A is calling you. At long last, you have a movement where your voice will be heard." His Antifa counterpart, Joanna Gambolputty of the Portland Genderqueer Nazi Punchers Collective added "this movement will bridge the divide between frustrated, working-class, busybody whites and frustrated, middle-class, busybody whites. Harmony will reign with the ruthless suppression of all dissent."
Jenkins elaborated that their shared interests include keeping blacks poor and powerless, a ruling class dominated by white Anglo-Saxon Protestant men, the use of mob violence to help Democrats win, and a relentless propaganda campaign aimed at recruiting the young and alienated. Reactions to the merger were mixed, with the ACLU, the SPLC, and the NAACP both praising and condemning different halves the group.
One of the newest Klantifa members is Oswald Bates, an aspiring painter who works part time as a bartender. "I was rejected by my father and then from art school. So began my struggle. But I feel a great sense of hope for this lost nation; that it will emerge from darkness and free itself from the shackles of international capitalism. Soon, we will march in the streets with our flag held high. Our lost comrades will be with us in spirit. We will have our space to live even if we must spill blood on the ground. Onward to Victory!" When asked if Klantifa would be merging with the Illinois Nazis, Jenkins said "No. We hate those guys. Splitters!"
Meanwhile, prominent Democrats voiced both criticism and support for the new movement. "Some of them, I assume are good people, very fine people even", said Joe Biden."But the rest are a bunch of lying, dog-faced pony soldiers! I'd bet a silver dollar against a wooden nickel none of those chumps and clowns could do even a single push-up. Folks, when I was a kid, I remember seeing FDR on the TV, walking tall and telling everybody things would be alright. And you know what? Even though the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, we still beat Ho Chi Minh and his dreaded King Kong 20-0 in that hockey game. I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America I love. Don't stop believing!"
Connect 4, what did we win?
***
A report from the Costs of War project at Brown University revealed that 20 years of post-9/11 wars have cost the U.S. an estimated $8 trillion and have killed more than 900,000 people.
***
connect the dots
Mark Essex - Wikipedia
He joined the Navy but deserted and was discharged after experiencing constant mistreatment. Later, he went on a killing spree.
***
Essex exclaimed: "What else is there? They take everything from you. Your dignity, your pride. What can you do but hate them?"
***
Thursday, July 10, 2025
more compare and contrast
NY Library Brings Drag Queens to Kids Story Hour
Trump starts the Space Force and bans transgenders. By an extraordinary coincidence, a transgender is put in charge of it by unknown generals/bureaucrats.
Army Unveils New 'Peaceful Protester' Attack Helicopter
FORT RUCKER - "This magnificent machine represents a new era in aerial warfare: the marriage of state-of-the-art firepower with the principles of dignity, respect, and social justice", said Major General Joanna Gambolputty during the unveiling. "Let our enemies fear and tremble before the awesome might of our PP: the Peaceful Protester", she added. The helicopter's armament includes eight "Hey-Hey, Ho-Ho" (formerly "Hellfire") anti-tank missiles, 38 "Imagine" (formerly "Hydra") rockets, and 1,200 rounds for its 30 mm "We Shall Overcome" autocannon. Fighter ace Senator Dick Blumnethal was in the pilot seat for its maiden flight. "She's a real humdinger. It takes me back to my days of dodging flak and the Red Baron in the skies of Korea during Vietnam" said Blumenthal. "That was a war, you know. A war with fighting, that I fought in", added Blumenthal as he put a cigarette in his lips and lit the filter tip.
In the wake of the George Floyd protests for racial justice, the Army has faced increasing pressure to change problematic names. Fort Lee, named after Confederate general Robert E Lee is at the top the list. "Even though there are nine other Army bases named after Confederate generals, the only one most people have heard of is Lee, so now we only need to change one name", said Gambolputty. "The easiest solution would be to simply say it is named in honor of Bruce Lee. Everybody likes kung fu, so that was that. What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wah-taaaaah! That's my kids' favorite joke", added Gambolputty who was promoted to her current rank as a reward for solving the conundrum.
Critics have pointed out that the PP's biodegradable ammo is vulnerable to spoiling and that the aircraft lacks a wheelchair access ramp. In lieu of traditional camouflage, the PP will be painted rainbow colors to show LGBT inclusion. The front sides of the chopper will be painted to resemble the face of a snarling unicorn, though test pilots have complained that the horn obstructs visibility. Other Army helicopters named after Native Americans are also up for name changes, including the Blackhawk and the Chinook. "Nothing is set in stone yet, but re-naming the UH-60 Blackhawk as Ma-ka-tai-me-she-kia-kiak is the obvious choice" said Gambolputty, "It just rolls off the tongue."
Trump on Dead Soldiers: They Probably Vote Democrat Anyway
WASHINGTON DC - At a press conference today, a reporter confronted Trump on his alleged disparaging remarks about fallen US soldiers buried in France. "Mr. President, why did you call fallen US soldiers suckers and losers? Do you hate America or just its military?" Trump responded by saying: "First, let me thank you for that very, very smart question. I can tell you're great reporter for asking such a tremendous question. I never said that, but even if I did, dead soldiers probably vote Democrat anyway, so why should I care?" Trump then shrugged and sipped from a can of Diet Coke. Trump's remarks stand in stark contrast to Democratic military heroes such as distinguished tank commander Michael Dukakis and amphibious warfare pioneer John Kerry.
The press conference room erupted, but Trump angrily shouted over the reporters. "OK, geniuses, it's my turn to talk now", said Trump as he crushed the Diet Coke can on his forehead. "Let's talk Pelosi. I hate the military and she likes it? OK, then she should get her next haircut from the Army then. I hear they do haircuts really quickly and cheaply." Meanwhile, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) introduced her plan to overhaul the military to make it more sensitive and fair. "We must rebuild our military in order to fight against real threats like climate change, sexism, intolerance, and wealth inequality", she said as she read off her neon pink Barbie smartphone.
Some of the changes to basic training include replacing outdated and notoriously problematic events like rifle marksmanship and obstacle courses. Instead, the soldiers will hold hands, sing Kumbayah, and share poems about their feelings. Ocasio-Cortez even offered a preview of a new recruiting commercial created by her and her staff. In it, young women with multi-colored hair and stylish nose rings order young men to march around in high heels while they berate them for their toxic masculinity. "The 21st century will bring new challenges to America", said defense analyst Joanna Gambolputty. "How will the US dominate battlefields of the future without the unique contributions of gender studies majors or diversity experts? It is vital to make the military more attractive to these quality candidates. My message to Trump is clear: Mr. President, we cannot allow a social justice gap!"
***
Below: not satire
random military thought
US soldiers do not practice hit and run attacks, at least most don't. There is a bias against retreat. I remember being trained in room clearing and assaulting an objective. The US military’s basic philosophy since 1917 has been “surround and pound”. When you encounter the enemy, take cover and shoot back to pin them down. Then, if possible, call up artillery and airstrikes. Otherwise, wait for reinforcements, if needed, and execute battle drill 1A:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFCDkhj2wg4
Get the fireteam/squad/platoon online. For every 2 guys who shoot, one other guy flanks to either the right or left, whichever is easier. Presto, instant L-shaped ambush.
Easier said, than done. A bad plan is better than no plan.
"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."
-Theodore Roosevelt
Wednesday, July 9, 2025
Hero and Angel - a fairy tale for grown ups
warning: contains adult themes
Once upon a time, when the stars were young and the earth was new, the world was filled with monsters and magic. One day, young Everyman met with Wise Mentor, the old man of the village. Wise Mentor told Everyman that he was really Hero, who was destined to perform many great and valorous deeds. So Hero ventured forth, cruel dragons he slew two by two, awful tyrants he deposed, and won many epic battles. Unbeknownst to Hero, many of his feats were made possible by a clever and kind young woman who had admired Hero from afar for many years. Because she helped those in danger, she was called Angel.
Satisfied with his many conquests, Hero returned to his village to meet once more with Wise Mentor, who told him that there was still one feat Hero had yet to accomplish. "Go deep into the mountains" said Wise Mentor "and there you will meet the most awful and terrible foe there is. Be warned. No Hero has fought with it and lived." Hero laughed and said he was not afraid and boldly strode deep into the mountains while Angel followed, stayed out of sight, and kept careful watch of him. At last, Hero reached a giant cave filled with a low and awful roar.
He strode into the cave and announced that he was Hero, and that he was ready to face whatever beast lurked within. An evil laugh came from the shadows and filled Hero with dread for the first time in his life. A massive creature loomed over Hero and hissed "I am Evil Lord Death the Unconquerable. Gilgamesh, Achilles, David, King Arthur - I killed them all and I will kill you too!" At this, Hero shook with fear and ran for his life. In deep despair, Hero wept. Angel came and asked what was the matter.
Hero said that Old Mentor lied to him. Angel said no, Old Mentor had only said what Hero needed to hear to complete his journey. Then she urged him to return to the cave an avenge himself of Evil Lord Death's insult. In a white-hot fury, mighty Hero drew his sword and charged into the cave with a heart-stopping battle-cry. For three days and nights, Hero and Death battled across the heavens and earth. Mountains crumbled, oceans boiled, and stars were knocked from the sky.
Then when Death was losing by about twenty to nothing on points, he shouted at Hero to stop, for Death had Angel in his awful clutches. "Let me win or I kill Angel!" hissed the awful fiend. Hero dropped his sword and Death took him. Death released Angel who rushed to Hero's lifeless body and began to sob. "Silly girl" said Death, "when you get tired of crying, drink this poison and I will make you my bride."
When Death turned his back to leave, Angel threw the poison bottle at his head, and Death, wounded and annoyed, grumbled and limped away. The people buried Hero in a magnificent tomb and Angel kept a lonely vigil there for many days. When he last ember of hope began to fade, she uncorked the poison bottle. There was a beautiful full moon that night, which she gazed on in wonder. Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Hero, now ablaze in glory. "How did you survive?" she asked in shock. "I didn't" said Hero, "but heroes never really die, and angels sometimes walk, and every night when the moon is full, you can meet me here until the first ray of dawn." And so for the rest of her days, Angel spent every full moon with Hero until she awoke in the next world.
THE END
visual aids:
Greetings to my readers in India
In college, I was friends with a guy from India named Chandar. We played chess sometimes. I remember asking him "how does Hinduism deal with atheists?" He said "easy, we accept them." I liked that answer.
Perhaps someday I will travel to India and get the King's Treatment that Chandar talked about. I'd like to visit the forts and temples.
***
The great Maratha warrior Chatrapati Shivaji who used ‘ghorpad’ (monitor lizard) to scale the huge wall of the Sinhagad Fort. According to Maratha legends and folklore, a monitor lizard was used to scale to fortify walls of Sinhagad fort during a decisive battle. Shivaji’s trusted commander, Tanaji Malusare used these lizards in the Battle of Sinhagad in 1679. This battle is one of the important chapters of Maratha history.
Legends say that Tanaji used Shivaji’s pet monitor lizard Yashwanti to climb the fort wall. He tied a rope to the back of the lizard which scaled a sheer cliff face beneath an unguarded section of the fort, secured itself in a crevice, and allowed Tanaji to climb up behind. Though the assault was successful, Tanaji died in the battle.
****
Tuesday, July 8, 2025
The only ways to topple a nation's government
1. Invade, occupy the country, imprison or kill the enemy leader - example: Iraq in 2003.
2. Take advantage of a civil war to kill, imprison, or force the enemy leader to flee - examples: Syria in 2025, Libya in 2011, Afghanistan in 2021.
3. Use a guerilla movement to weaken a country so that an invasion can succeed - example: South Vietnam in 1975.
4. Use a guerilla movement in a civil war to force the existing government to surrender or flee - example: Nepal in 2008.
5. Use nationwide strikes and protests to force the leader to step down or flee - examples: Romania in 1989 and Serbia in 2000.
6. Use a war and/or a rigged election to install a puppet government - examples: Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, Poland, East Germany, Albania and Bulgaria between 1945 and 1950.
7. Stage a military coup - this is most common and successful means of toppling a government. examples: there have been successful coups in Egypt, Tunisia, Sudan, Bolivia, Myanmar, Thailand, Ethiopia, Gabon, Niger, Burkina Faso, Guinea, Chad, Mali, Algeria, Zimbabwe, Central African Republic, Guinea-Bissau, and Yemen since 2010. There have been attempted coups in many other countries during the same period.
One of the advantages of a strong military is that it will try to overthrow a government it sees as weak. That is unlikely to happen in the US given the federal government's paramilitary forces and the fact that a large percentage of Americans have their own weapons. A large guerilla movement could topple the US government or at least carve out free areas of de facto sovereignty. The novel Neither Predator Nor Prey by Mark Spungin gives a realistic depiction of such a resistance movement.
Bottom line, overthrowing a government requires money, guns, and men in great quantities.
At any given time, people from about 40 countries are reading my blog
Screenshot from my stats page a few minutes ago:
I expect this will keep NSA (my former employer) and any other part of the US government from antagonizing me.
Culture can be a prison - "afraid of mud, escape to thorns"
Jiggers (Tunga penetrans) are parasitic fleas that are native to Central and South America. They were inadvertently introduced to Africa centuries ago by European traders. In many parts of Africa, there is a tradition of going barefoot, which unfortunately can lead to jigger infestations of the feet. The only solution is to cut the fleas out with a knife. It's a slow, messy, and painful process.
Simon's Jigger Removal - Jiggers Dug Out!
I lived in a jigger endemic area in Africa for a few years. It is easy enough to avoid infection by wearing cheap flipflops. The same is true of avoiding hookworm which is found in North America and many other places. Something like half a billion people may be infected with hookworm, and it could all be stopped through proper sanitation and not going barefoot.
Going barefoot has also been common in parts of Indonesia. An Indonesian proverb is quoted in the title of this post. It's equivalent to the English saying "out of the frying pan and into the fire".
Alcoholism in Ireland has been bad enough that scientists wondered if those of Irish ancestry have a genetic predisposition for it.
In China, the preference for sons is such that there are tens of millions more men than women.
In these and other cases, people do themselves and others needless harm out of beliefs which do not hold up under scrutiny.
Many times, people put up with things because they see no alternative or believe that life cannot change. In Japanese, that fatalism is found in the saying shikata ga nai, which means "it can't be helped" or "there's nothing that can be done". In English, we sometimes say "it is what it is".
This fatalism is wrongheaded. Things can always change, at least on the individual level or at a small scale. You don't have to always do, say, or believe as others. You might pay a price, but it will be small compared to the freedom and happiness you gain.
Feminists Slam Jeopardy! For Promoting Unrealistic Intelligence Standards
CLEVELAND – “First off, it’s a GIRL-cott, not a boycott, and the difference is very important”, said Joanna Gambolputty, Associate Professor of Women Studies at Oberlin College. Ms. Gambolputty is also an activist in the ignorance positivity movement, which seeks to break down the stigma associated with the differently-informed. “At a time when more girls than ever are struggling in school, it’s high time we speak out against Jeopardy! for its rampant sexism. Only 40% of the contestants are women and men are 70% of the winners. Seven of the nine writers are male, as are four of the five researchers. These are the sad facts of the Trivia Gap.”
Ms. Gambolputty advocates an aggressive set of changes to the show’s format. “Far too many clues are about dead white males like Shakespeare. It’s insane to expect the average woman to be able to relate to such an obscure writer. Women need topics they can relate too, like shoes, soap operas, and the latest pop songs. This is the sensible way to promote gender equity in trivia games.” Meanwhile, another group of activists called Smart At Any IQ advocates a quota program so that the least intelligent get a guaranteed portion of space in newspapers and scientific journals. Paris Hilton, the unofficial spokeswoman of the group, is leading the way with her article in the Journal of Fluid Mechanics. The paper, entitled “Bedazzling Navier-Stokes” features a bold retake of the classic equations. Written in hot pink with a stylish cursive font, the differentials come to life and seem to dance with the festive glitter lightly sprinkled throughout.
“I’m proud to be a role model for stupid people everywhere,” said Ms. Hilton. “If I can get just one girl interested in makeup and expensive purses, it will all be worth it.”
Bernie Sanders Says There Were “Very Fine People on Both Sides of the Iron Curtain”
MIAMI – Controversy erupted as Democratic presidential hopeful Sanders seemingly praised murderous communist dictatorships. This was an especially inflammatory statement as Florida is home to a large number of Cubans who fled Castro’s communism. Sanders later doubled down on his remarks, saying “certainly it wasn’t perfect, but literacy is a good thing and inequality plummeted under Castro’s leadership”.
He added “look, the truth is that there were very fine people on both sides of the Iron Curtain. Now I have heard, most likely exaggerated things, by the way, about there being some hunger and even a few executions. Nobody’s perfect and certainly not this country where there are 23 kinds of deodorant and children go hungry.”
On the topic of a controversial statue of Lenin in Portland, Sanders said “it’s beautiful work of art and a part of history. We can’t just start tearing down statues because a few ignorant people complain about them. People like Lenin and Castro and Ortega fought to help the poor people who were rising up against rather ugly rich people. And besides, what about Trump, a hatemonger who refuses to condemn the KKK? The hysteria about socialism has to stop. Democratic socialism means that in a democratic, civilized society the wealthiest people and the largest corporations must pay their fair share of taxes. And yes, I know went on my honeymoon in the USSR and displayed a Soviet flag in my office in the 1980s, but that was a different time when I was not running for national office.”
Sanders then posed for a selfie with a man wearing a Che shirt and a hammer and sickle face bandana.
China Denies Weaponizing Virus No One Has Heard Of
BEIJING – A spokesman from the Chinese Ministry of Foreign Affairs condemned rumors that the Chinese military weaponized Mongolian Yak Herpes, a disease unknown to science until this morning. The spokesman elaborated that the virus most certainly was not deliberately created at the Sum Ting Wong Disease Research Center in Wuhan. The spokesman then ran in circles around the podium with the other four spokesmen, sat down, and was replaced by another spokesman.
In any case, according to the 2nd spokesman, it was all a long time ago and it never happened anyway. Besides, continued the 3rd spokesman, what about the appalling rates of obesity in the US, especially amongst impoverished Negroes residing in so-called food deserts? Such a thing could never happen under the system of Socialism with Chinese Characteristics. The 4th spokesman then ripped up a Tibetan flag and kowtowed to a giant portrait of Xi Jinping.
In response, the NBA now requires all players to carry a copy of Mao’s Little Red Book at all times, and all future games will begin with a playing of the March of the Volunteers. Some experts have speculated that such a disease could have originated from an incident when Genghis Khan had sex with a herd of yaks to win a bet. This is why the banner of his horde had nine bands of yak hair, one for each yak. Chinese officials have repeatedly stressed that even if someone is infected with Mongolian Yak Herpes, they will be healthy again an hour later.
Hail to the Grand Helmsman Mao and His Glorious Successor Xi!
Wan Sui! Wan Sui! Wan Sui!
And hail to the Great Chinese 5G Cellphone Corporation Huawei!
Huawei! Huawei! Huawei!
Government Over-reacting to Virus, Says Traveler Being Frisked by TSA
CHICAGO – “The government is really being absurd about this pandemic” said Hugh Jass as a TSA agent patted him down for hidden weapons before Jass boarded a flight to Phoenix. “I mean, if you look at the numbers, the risk is really minuscule, and the cost of the precautions is outrageous. And even despite the extreme measures, if anything, the situation has gotten worse” said Jass as he recovered his shoes and belt from the x-ray machine while holding up his pants with one hand.
But according to leading infectious disease expert Dr. Joanna Gambolputty, there could be dire consequences if Americans let their guard down. “If you see something, say something. And pay attention to the color-coded alert system.” Jass remains skeptical, however, adding that “if you look at it on the basis of cost vs benefit, there’s no rational justification for it. It’s just feels over reals. It really seems like there are people profiting off this fear and have every incentive to keep it going as long as possible rather than actually deal with the problem in a sensible way.” Jass then recovered his TSA-approved travel-size liquids stored in a clear baggie.
But according to Dr. Gambolputty “our heroes on the frontlines need our support. If we fight among ourselves, the terrorists, ah I mean the virus, will win.” Elsewhere, The Office President Elect Joe Biden proposed a new Virus Defense Agency to ensure that a similar pandemic never strikes the US again. “This new VDA would also stimulate a flagging economy as the unemployed are hired as Public Health Guardian Angels, who will enforce proper mask wear and social distancing.” Critics warn that a new agency would simply add confusion to the already bloated public health sector. “We spend more on public health than several of the next highest spending countries combined”, continued Jass, ”and as far as I can tell, we aren’t any healthier.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s top infectious disease expert addressed the issue from his ultra-secure National Virus Response Command Post located deep the isolated, rugged terrain of Hawaii. “The price of freedom, I mean health, is eternal vigilance” said Fauci as he scanned the horizon through binoculars. “It’s a bit tricky, you know. It turns out the big side faces away from your eyes” said Fauci of the binoculars. “I guess I’m so used to putting my eye on the big side what from all the time I spent using a microscope.” Dr. Fauci, whose new call-sign is Ghost Viper 007, is head of the elite Alpha Strike Force, consisting of the nation’s top men except President Trump. “What a bunch of losers. Sad!” said Trump of the task force in a tweet. Twitter has flagged the tweet as containing misinformation.
Martian Violence Blamed On Indiana Guns
CYDONIA – Gunfire sounds from every direction on this typical evening on the red planet. Experts say the guns are most likely smuggled from Indiana, a mere 43 million miles away. “Indiana needs to step up and ban the sale of exploding radium bullets”, said xenocrimnilogist Joanna Gambolputty. “It’s well known that anyone can travel from Indiana to Mars without having to worry about being pulled over and having their ship inspected for contraband.” Meanwhile, warlord and community organizer Tars Tarkas suggested tackling the root causes. “The red Martians used to give us tribute, which paid for youth after-war programs such as white ape hunting and the construction of giant stone faces. All gone now. So we fight until our eggs begin to hatch. Then fight again. I have spoken.”
But hope is in the thin, barely breathable air with the arrival of John Carter, founder of the Thark Lives Matter movement. “I have lived and fought with this noble race for many years. It is high time for everyone on Barsoom to put down the guns, come together, and fight with swords like true warriors. Unless there are any Apaches here. Trust me, you really don’t want to fight Apaches without a gun. How I hate those damn savage injuns!”
“So-called Thark-on-Thark crime has a long history as a racist dog whistle”, said Gambolputty. “We don’t see Tharks shooting each other in progressive cities with tough gun laws like Minneapolis. No, it is only on red planets run by laissez-faire conservatives like the Kaldanes that we see such things. And you can see the results: dead sea bottoms as far as the eye can see, drought, famine, war, crime and beautiful wildlife such the magnificent Blue Plant Kangaroos being hunted for sport on the shores of the Lost Sea of Korus.”
“What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?” said Indiana governor Eric Holcomb. “I don’t know a darn thing about Barsoom, Tharks, ray guns, Holy Therns or whatever else. And I sure as heck don’t know what any of it has to do with the Hoosier State. And if you want to see scenery from another planet, why not visit our lovely Indiana Dunes National Park? It’s the 14th most popular in the country. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for a long and well-deserved vacation.”
Holcomb then retired to a secluded tomb-like structure with a door that could only be opened from the inside. On Mars, there have been rumors that the legendary warlord Ah Rig Hol Kum has returned from his long exile with the weapons he promised, saying: “Hear me, o Warhoons! With these Red Ryder BB guns, we will sweep aside our foes as the winds of Barsoom blow the dust. It will be as in the days of the great Jeddak Ral Fee Par Kur of Ham Mond! Now follow me, for it is a good day to die!”
Somalia Sends Peacekeepers to Portland
MOGADISHU – In an emergency session of the Somali parliament, law makers determined that the crisis in Portland, Oregon requires immediate action. “We cannot stand idly by as the innocent suffer. I have seen and heard many things from that troubled land. Old people being attacked for merely wearing a hat? How shameful!” said speaker Mohamed Mursal Sheikh Abdurahman.
Part of the aid package includes sending young Somali experts who will teach Americans how to mount machine guns on their trucks to defend their clan’s territory. “I’m very excited for this chance to travel to a distant land, learn a new language and culture, and help make the world a better place”, said Serenity Regiment volunteer Ali Farah Ahmed. “It really broke my heart to learn that the suffering Americans do not have a single technical to defend themselves from bandits.”
Another group of volunteers will be helping the young women of Portland become wives and mothers. “I saw so many shocking things”, said Serenity Regiment volunteer Jawahir Iman. “So many ugly, childless women! No wonder Portland’s birth rate is at its lowest level in 25 years. Fortunately, our land is famous for its beautiful women.” Ms. Iman will work at a clinic where among other things, she will hand out pamphlets like “How to Find a Husband by not Being a Fat, Single Mom with Lots of Debt” and “Unnatural Hair Color, Tattoos, and Piercings: The Three Legs of the Stool of Spinsterhood”.
Portland has long been dogged lately by political violence and economic woes, with its debt now topping $4.1 billion. Ostensibly a multiparty republic, Portland is a de facto one-party state where dissidents have few if any rights. “Portland is not quite as bad as North Korea or Cuba, but it’s getting there”, said Joanna Gambolputty, a human rights analyst at Amnesty International.
Elsewhere, Somali and African Union peacekeepers mobilized and landed in Portland. “We were expecting a tough fight at least at the airport, but we were unopposed and so far, there has been no armed resistance. In fact, many seemed to greet us a liberator, particularly this so-called ‘Black Lives Matter’ group”, said Major General Hassan Abdallah. “However, when the remnants of Portland’s police force also came out to greet us, the Black Lives Matter clan became hostile and we had to fire in the air to disperse the mob”, he added.
The peacekeepers have spent several weeks restoring law and order and establishing rapport with the locals. There have been setbacks, however, including a failed raid to capture Portland’s notorious warlord Ted Wheeler, leader of the vicious Antifa clan. Critics of Somalia’s foreign interventions have dubbed the operation “Black Bloc Down”.
Jason Vorhees Will Exchange Hockey Mask for MAGA Hat in New Film
LOS ANGELES – “Run, Stacey! He’s not wearing a mask and he’s a Trump supporter!” shrieks a terrified actress in a recently released clip of the new film. “We’re taking the series in a different but relevant direction for the new normal as we build back better” said writer, director, and producer Joanna Gambolputty.
Test screenings have gotten rave reviews from the so-called “Karen” demographic, according to Gambolputty. “Historically, slasher films have been a niche market. We’re working hard to reach fresh audiences, and it turns out the most scrupulous mask wearers are the easiest to scare” added Gambolputty as she sanitized her hands and put another mask on top of the other two.
If successful, there could be similar reboots with other masked killers such as Ghostface and Michael Myers. “I’m really excited about a reboot of the Saw movies where mask and social distancing scofflaws are tormented appropriately for their crimes against the common good” said Gambolputty.
Mask, the working title of another film, features Jim Carey in gritty reboot of the 1994 fantasy comedy. “I have many irons in the fire, and this my favorite” said Gambolputty. “It’s basically the Omega Man, but with a sole survivor who is kept safe by proper masking. Xe fights against zombie ‘covidiots’ who are bent on thwarting xer transition” explained Gambolputty.
Meanwhile, the creators of The Purge have announced a reboot featuring a terrifying world where people don’t wear masks for one day a year. The working title is “Panic!”
Chuck E. Cheese Re-brands as Charter School
MILWAUKEE – “Parents will surely rejoice now that they have a safe, affordable in-person learning option for their children” said the chain’s Senior Vice President Joanna Gambolputty. “The concert area has been remodeled as the principal’s office, as many children have a negative reaction to Munch’s Make Believe Band” added Gambolputty.
Enrichment activities include air hockey and Skee-Ball, which provide low-impact aerobic exercise in addition to building hand-eye coordination. “Players, I mean students, will receive tickets according to how well they play the game. The tickets may then be exchanged for various prizes, including a high school diploma.
The most coveted prize, however, is a perfect SAT score. To gain this prize, the students must win the notoriously challenging claw machine game. The SAT score sheet is attached to a plastic lobster-shaped harmonica. The rest of the prizes are small stuffed animals and miniature sports balls.”
Randi Weingarten, head of the United Federation of Teachers, has announced a boycott of Chuck E. Charter until the chain hires a least one teacher per franchise. Chuck E. Charter offered a pizza party for the union, but Weingarten refused, citing a lack of variety in toppings.
Study Finds that Black Keys Less Likely to be Played than White Keys
PITTSBURGH – Although black keys account for over a third of the keys on pianos, they are played less often than white keys according to a new study. Al Sharpton was quick to call for Affirmative Composing in order to increase the number of sharp and flat notes being played. Others, such as Ta-Nehisi Coates, have called for piano pieces to be re-written such that black keys are played as often as white keys.
Other prominent Democrats also weighed in. In a rally that boasted a crowd in the double digits, President Joe Biden said that “black keys are just as smart as white keys.” Biden also promised to appoint a member of Black Keys Matter to a senior cabinet position. Pete Buttigieg suggested painting the white keys black and vice versa. This was condemned by Jesse Jackson for “perpetuating the hateful legacy of blackface.”
Leading Hollywood composer Hans Zimmer has promised to only use black keys in future scores, a move which was lauded by the NAACP. Across the nation, many pianos have been vandalized by Antifa mobs who were unable to find statues of Confederates.
Feminist Hardware Store Offers Bisexual, Transgender Nuts and Bolts
BERKELEY – “No one’s ever tried anything like this” said She-Ro Hardware proprietor Joanna Gambolputty. Among the unique products are the store’s signature bisexual, transgender nuts and bolts. “You see, all the bolts are threaded with a matching nut. It takes a lot of time and makes them more expensive and less convenient, but it’s worth it to make a statement about how everyone should be their authentic self, and others should make the effort to accommodate them” added Gambolputty.
“When the user feels the bolt is ready to transition, the nut is removed, and both parts are free to express their true gender” explained Gambolputty as she and her only employee worked feverishly to thread nuts onto bolts. Reaction from fellow feminists has been mixed. “The factories should make them Joanna’s way right off the assembly line” said Eileen Dover, who is at home recovering from injuries sustained from falling off a cliff. “Once again we see the dastardly patriarchy at work, undermining and exploiting women at every turn” as she tried to shoo away a cat determined to sit on her face.
Men’s rights activists have also criticized the move. “Once you take the red pill, you see the evil true nature of female hypergamy. I can’t tell you right now how it applies to this specific situation, but trust me, it’s there. It’s always there” said Mighty Sons of Odin president Haywood Jablome. “Can you believe my wife divorced me just because I gave her a limit on the number of words she could speak to me per day? Classic female irrationality” added Jablome. “Oh sure, I know chicks are all touchy-feely and with them it’s yak, yak, yak 24/7. But it’s a man’s world, they know it, and they’d be a lot happier if they would just submit” said Jablome as he thawed hotdogs in his sink.
Gambolputty, Dover, and Jablome all agreed that gender differences are too great for marriage to work.
Return of Messiah Close at Hand, Say Leading Joe Frum Shamans
TANNA – “We’re all in this together and we all need to do our part to maintain the bamboo cargo planes and salute the flag when High Priest Bokonon blows the conch to sound reveille” said Chief Hato Ni Foji , the island’s top Frumologist. “We all must trust the shamans” he added as he smoothed the wrinkles from his handmade kaki uniform.
In contrast, a minority of islanders have expressed skepticism, with most saying that while they do not doubt that Frum did in fact visit the island long ago and brought much cargo, there could be another explanation for what happened. “I mean, I understand why people take it so seriously. I’ve seen some of the old leftover cargo myself. My grandfather showed it to me” said villager Udre Udre. “But it’s a great deal of work to build the runway, the planes, the control tower, making all the uniforms – it never ends. How long are we going to keep doing this? It will all be a waste if Frum never returns. If he was just a man, he’d be dead by now.” added Udre Udre.
Villagers like Udre Udre have become an increasingly vocal minority on the island, with tensions sometimes boiling over into conflict. “A friend of mine got smacked around for not standing at attention and saluting when reveille was sounded. I was like, chill guys, he was in a hurry, and he’s already saluted the flag countless times” said Udre Udre.
High Priest Bokonon offered his thoughts on the conundrum. “Better safe than sorry, the old saying goes. Sure, it’s possible that Frum will never return, but what if we stop everything and he returns the very next day? We’d feel really stupid, that’s for sure” said Bokonon as he counted his coconut and fish alms donated by everyone on the island. “We just can’t afford to take that chance. Certainly not as long as me and my son are alive” added Bokonon as he lay down on his hammock.
“If anything, frontline Frum workers like me deserve even more for all the sacrifices we make. Is it really too much to ask for a young maiden to fan me with a palm frond while I contemplate in my hammock. Contemplation is a lot harder than it looks, let me tell you. It’s why I have such an enormous appetite.” Bokonon then excused himself to give his son a private lesson on Frumology.
Grinch Will Be Social-Distancing Hero in New Film
LOS ANGELES – “In these unprecedented times, we need a great reset, and what better way than by rebooting a holiday classic”, said writer, director, and producer Joanna Gambolputty. The film has long been criticized for its negative portrayal of non-Christmas celebrators and uncritical acceptance of consumerism and materialism, not to mention the troubling racial subtext of the Grinch being a different color from all the other characters.
“The original film raises troubling questions of the Grinch’s politics, such as his beliefs in forcibly redistributing wealth and being celebrated as a hero when he abandons his principles” added Gambolputty. According to leading Seussologist Dr. Mike Hunt, “it is a grave error to assume that the Grinch is leftist when a far more plausible interpretation is that the Grinch is libertarian: he lives alone, hates everyone, there’s only two of them if you count his dog, and in the end they lose, but not before making complete asses of themselves.”
In contrast, Nick Gillespie of libertarian Reason Magazine forcefully denounced Dr. Hunt’s interpretation, calling it “the me of literary critcism” before he abruptly ended the phone interview and said “the Jacket doesn’t want me to talk to you anymore.”
Gambolputty explained that the new film takes place in the immediate aftermath of the classic. “You see, Grinch has just made this big change, but when the pandemic strikes, only he knows how to help everyone live like a recluse indefinitely. He’s such a fascinating character when you think about it. The guy is the psychological equivalent of Fort Knox – nothing gets in or not unless he wants it, and it comes from his many years of solitude. I’m thinking of a backstory where Grinch is war veteran suffering from PTSD, which would explain his anger and solitary nature. Plus, gritty reboots are all the rage these days.”
Hallmark Channel said it will run the film when completed because “Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas.”
Worf Will Star as Therapist in New Star Trek Series
LOS ANGELES – “We’ll be seeing Worf in a totally new role” said series creator Joanna Gambolputty. Clips of the pilot episode show many tense moments. Worf has four patients to deal with. The first, a hysterical teen girl, is treated to a demonstration of a Klingon Ascension Ceremony. “Let me show you something to scream about” says Worf as he stoically moves through the gauntlet of pain sticks. At Worf’s first howl of pain, the girl cries and runs to hug her mom.
Later, Worf challenges a man with anger management issues to a bat’leth duel. “My supervisor insisted on dull weapons. I still carved him up like a common taHqeq” recounts Worf. The fearless warrior also treats an alcoholic by headbutting him during a B’aht Qul challenge. “A wise human once said: play stupid games, win stupid prizes” says Worf, adding “you humans say ‘first, do no harm’, even though pain is the best teacher. Very foolish.”
At the episode’s climax, Worf treats a young man who attempted suicide. “You would disgrace your name and clan over nothing? Put on this blindfold so that you may at least die at the hands of a warrior. Now defend yourself or I will kill you where you stand!” In the ensuing Gik’tal trial by combat, Worf strikes the man down several times until he removes the blindfold and complains that the contest is unfair. “Yes” replies Worf, adding “perhaps the next time you are being mistreated, you will not wait so long to protest. For you, it is not a good day to die. You are not brave enough. Yet.”
Counselor Troi will return as Worf’s supervisor, and the relationship is rocky, to say the least. “Counselor Troi does not approve of my methods. Because they work” pronounces Worf.
Capitol Riot Leaves Congress Too Shocked to Overthrow Foreign Governments
WASHINGTON DC – “It’s unbelievable, like a nightmare you can’t wake up from,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I mean sure, since I was first elected in 1987, Congress has been directly involved in overthrowing the governments of Panama, Haiti, Serbia, Iraq, Libya, and Egypt, but this is just beyond the pale. I mean, are you serious? Sometimes we have to overthrow the government to find out what’s in it.”
From across the aisle, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said that “it’s one thing when we spend decades and billions of dollars trying to forcibly alter the politics of Somalia, Afghanistan, Syria, Venezuela, and Cuba, but never in my wildest dreams did I expect it to boomerang like this. It’s almost as though the wind that was once at our backs has changed direction, so that it is blowing back on us, one might say.”
Meanwhile, Senior CIA Spokeswoman Joanna Gambolputty announced that, “we would like to reassure the American people and the military industrial complex that this outburst is a mere speed bump in the status quo,” and added, “remain calm; all is well!” as extremist Trump supporters unleashed thousands of marbles on Pennsylvania Avenue and a mysterious “Deathmobile” raced through the city’s streets.
Other reactions to the riot have come from media outlets and NGOs. CNN stated that it is reconsidering its decision to stop broadcasting in airports, but only until it finds some other captive audience. The Southern Poverty Law Center has now classified Republicans as a hate group and is urging relatives to report suspicious friends and relatives to the FBI.
For its part, the FBI has stated that while they appreciate any efforts to crush resistance to the deep state, their antiquated computer systems cannot handle the increased traffic. Other government agencies responded that they too are unable to handle the backlog because most of them are still working from home and their connections are not reliable.
International reactions have been mixed, with the French offering to send surplus guillotines and a tidal wave in Moscow of former KGB officers laughing themselves to death. When asked for a reaction, President Trump and his staff began humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic and left the press conference room.
Indiana Jones Will Destroy Problematic Art in New Film
“This doesn’t belong in a museum!”, bellows Harrison Ford’s iconic character as he heaves Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus onto a bonfire. In this latest installment of the franchise, Indian Jones and the Decree of Nero, the famous adventurer will help the brave soldiers of the National Socialist German Workers Party destroy body-shaming art rightfully plundered from the evil rich capitalists of Europe.
“We’re really kicking things up a notch” said creator and director George Lucas. “If you thought nuking a fridge was wild, you ain’t seen nothing yet. This one is guaranteed to get people talking.” In the film, Dr. Jones finds himself in a desperate race against time against the massive armies poised to overwhelm him and his newfound friends, including a certain officer he famously punched out of a zeppelin years earlier.
“We wanted to show how Indy can have a change of heart, that he can forgive even the bitterest of enemies”, continued Lucas, “audiences will be blown away when Indy visits the Pergamon Museum and meets kindred spirits among the Ahnenerbe and says ‘Nazis…these guys aren’t so bad after all!'”
Black Lives Matter Splits Over Zebra Question
OAKLAND – “What a lot of people are saying is that a zebra looks like a bunch of Oreos turned sideways, and that’s problematic” said Joanna Gambolputty, associate professor of African American Studies of African Americans at The African American University of California. “Furthermore, the word ‘zebra’ is ultimately from the Latin word for ‘wild horse’. Once again, we see that what is European is automatically normal and good while what is African is exotic and dangerous. It’s no coincidence that old-fashioned prisoner uniforms had a pattern of black and white stripes. In the words of the great philosopher Matt Damon, this is intrinsically paternalistic” added Gambolputty.
Other prominent black academics weighed in on the controversy of whether zebras are black. Former Princeton professor Cornell West stated that “we must unconditionally love all our four-legged friends, even if they are in fact horses of one or more different colors. To paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream of a nation where equines are judged not by the hue of their hides, but their win-loss record at the track.”
Elsewhere, zoos have added plaques to zebra exhibits to inform visitors that the stripe pattern is natural and not a racist conspiracy as suggested by Louis Farrakhan. According to Farrakhan, “our greatest scientist Yakub first bred the zebra to be the strongest and blackest horse ever, but the evil white man blasted the herd with a whiteness ray gun. Fortunately, the blackness of the zebras was so strong that they only turned half white. White people became so angry that they stopped riding his zebras and started riding horses instead, and they’ve been doing that ever since. Meanwhile our glorious African zebras are wild and free. Allah be praised.”
The controversy has caused the Black Lives Matter Movement to split into the Zebras Are Black Enough and Darker Than a Paper Bag Lives Matter factions, as well as the much smaller Why Are We Talking About Zebras faction. At the same time, the KKK has announced it will merge with the remainder of the unaligned Black Lives Matter movement to form Team Zebra. According to Alabama KKK Majestic Cyclops Cletus Spuckler “what we’ve realized is that deep down, we just want attention and the best way to get that is to show whites and blacks working together and getting along. It really blows people’s minds.”
Understanding Insurance
The purpose of insurance is to provide protection from low-risk, high-cost events like car accidents and medical emergencies. The first major insurance company was Lloyd’s of London in 1688. It began in a coffee shop popular with sailors and merchants, so it was a good place to get news on sea trade. The sea was a dangerous place at that time (hint: AARGH! SHIVER ME TIMBERS!) and merchants wanted protection from losses. Speculators began offering to pay for potential losses according to the perceived risk in exchange for fees from the merchants. Basically, they were gambling on which ships would sink. If the ship sank, the merchant won, and if it didn’t, the speculator won. This practice later spread to other activities. Then the government got involved – with predictable results. Crop insurance came to the US in 1938 and flood insurance in 1968. Like everything else the government does, its insurance programs are costly and heavily in debt. More on this later.
Insurance companies work only as long as the value of the claims paid is less than the revenue (premiums) they get from their customers. In short, there are only so many things they can pay for and stay in business. If the government required car insurance companies to pay for oil changes, car insurance would become much more expensive and every car insurance companies would go bankrupt. And it would be impossible to find a mechanic on Saturday.
This situation is similar to what has been happening with health insurance. Most people do not spend much on healthcare between the ages of 1 and 60. For an average person in the US, about $9,000 is spent on healthcare in the first year of life, and about $3,000 per year until the age of 60. Costs rise steeply after that. For a typical American, about 30% of all the money spent on healthcare in their life is spent in their last year of life and about 80% in their last 15 years of life. For this reason, in countries with government-run healthcare, old and seriously ill people often face very long wait times for medical treatment. The bureaucrats hope that they will die before the government must pay for their treatment. This isn’t a conspiracy theory. Britain’s National Healthcare Service freely admits to rationing care such as cancer drugs and hip replacements to fix the hole in its budget.
Dr Mark Porter, leader of the British Medical Association, said: “The NHS is being forced to choose between which patients to treat, with some facing delays in treatment and others being denied some treatments entirely. This survey lays bare the extreme pressure across the system and the distress caused to patients as a result.”
Those of us in the US hear constantly about how greedy heartless health insurance companies are because they won’t pay for this or that (often a highly questionable this or that, Sandra Fluke). But it’s important to realize that NO insurance system, whether private or public, can pay for everything. The whole point of insurance is that many people pay in some often and a few take out a lot rarely. This isn’t politics. It’s arithmetic. And for those who claim that Britain or Canada’s system is better because it is cheaper, the reason it is cheaper is not because it is more efficient. It’s because they decide in advance how much to spend each year. It’s easy to keep costs down when you decide you will only spend so much and keep people waiting for as long as possible.
Again, insurance can only work when it is used for low-risk, high-cost events. For health insurance, this means that the only things that ought to be covered are things like surgeries and expensive medicines. Some people might choose to buy extra health insurance, just as some people with pricey cars buy extra car insurance. But if you drive a regular car, there is no point to fancy car insurance, and if you are healthy, you do not need fancy health insurance. In short, if you want to fix America’s healthcare system, the best thing to do would be to let consumers buy whatever level of coverage they want. For most people, this would mean a cheap plan with a high deductible–the so-called substandard and junk policies.
***
President Obama has repeatedly referred to the 4.7 million discontinued policies as “substandard.” When the President announced his administrative “fix” that attempted to allow those with canceled plans to keep their existing plans for another year, Senator Tom Harkin (D–IA) said he was still “concerned about people having policies which don’t do anything. They’re just junk policies.”
***
The only kind of junk insurance is the kind you can’t afford and are forced to buy.
Now let’s go back to the US government’s insurance programs. The US govt flood insurance program is currently $25 billion in debt. If it was a private company, it would have gone bankrupt decades ago. The Federal Crop Insurance program has done better since it was partially privatized in 1980. The government is still paying about 60% of its $12 billion cost.
The lesson: whatever the good or service, it is always cheaper and better through the market than through the government.
The Limits of Law
Everything has a limit. The natural world is full of them. For example, there is no such thing as an unboilable liquid. Every liquid will boil if you heat it up enough. The same holds true for man-made things. It is impossible to build a mile-high brick tower with parallel sides, because after a few hundred feet, the weight of the bricks on top would crush the ones at the base.
There are mental and emotional limits as well. There is a limit to how much a person can remember or learn. There is a limit to how much stress a person can take, and so on.
Laws have limits, too. Many people mistakenly think laws are magic spells that alter behavior. Nothing could be further from the truth. Take speed limits, for example. How many people drive the speed limit? Hardly anyone. Almost everyone drives over the speed limit – most by a little, some by a lot.
If there were no speed limits, most people would drive faster, but only up to a point. This is because there are mechanical limits to how fast it a car can go, as well as psychological limits – such as the driver’s sense of fear.
Many people do not realize what a law is. Laws are not suggestions or friendly pieces of advice. They are enforced with violence. A law is essentially a formal threat. “Do this or else.”
People weigh risk when they make any decision, including whether to follow a law. Even if a law carries a very harsh punishment, it will not deter many people if there is a low risk of being caught. For example, in 19th century England, many minor crimes such as theft were punishable by death. Thieves were hanged in public before huge crowds. And while those people were gawking, pickpockets would take advantage of the distraction to steal.
In brief, laws are like language – they only work when a community is in near universal agreement on them. Imagine if each person in a town spoke a language differently. That language would be useless because the same word would mean different things to different people.
Another point to consider is that since laws are made by imperfect people, there will be imperfect laws. Things, which were once illegal, are now legal and vice-versa. And in many cases, those bad laws were only repealed because many people were breaking them, and this put pressure on politicians to change them. All moral progress comes from lawbreakers – the abolitionists who defied slavery laws, the suffragettes who defied sexist laws, the anti-war protesters who defied draft laws, and so on. The United States itself was founded by outlaws.
Shakespeare wrote, “None call treason as treason if it prospers.” So it is with laws. If a group of outlaws are successful in getting a law repealed, they are no longer outlaws.
One last point to consider: there are limits to how well a law can be enforced. There is only so much that can be spent on police, courts, jails, and so on. Given that, the sensible thing would be to focus those scarce resources on preventing actual crimes – the kind that actually have a victim.
Laws can also have awful side-effects. In Boulder, CO, for example, the city built many speed bumps in residential areas to prevent speeding cars from hitting children. Unfortunately, those speed bumps also forced ambulances to slow down, and for heart attacks, a minute or two can make the difference between life and death. The speed bumps lead to a great increase in heart attack mortality.
Research in the USA supports these claims. One report from Boulder, Colorado suggests that for every life saved by traffic calming, as many as 85 people may die because emergency vehicles are delayed. It found response times are typically extended by 14% by speed-reduction measures. Another study conducted by the fire department in Austin, Texas showed an increase in the travel time of ambulances when transporting victims of up to 100%.
There are no solutions, only trade-offs. If you want to make A better, you will make B worse.
When most people hear of a problem, they reflexively say “there ought to be a law.” They ought to remember these words:
“The wise know that foolish legislation is a rope of sand which perishes in the twisting; that the State must follow and not lead the character and progress of the citizen;… that the form of government which prevails is the expression of what cultivation exists in the population which permits it. The law is only a memorandum.”
―Ralph Waldo Emerson
Finding Freedom in an Unfree World
“The important thing is to concentrate upon what you can do – by yourself, upon your own initiative.”
-Harry Browne
This post is a condensed version of Harry Browne’s book How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World. Harry Browne was an author and businessman who was the Libertarian Party’s nominee for president in 1996 and 2000.
Freedom means being able to live your life the way you want to. The freer you are, the more time you spend on what you want to do, instead what you are forced to do or feel obligated to do. The best way to become free is through direct alternatives, actions that do not require the permission or cooperation of someone else.
There are various obstacles to using direct alternatives. Browne calls them “traps”, and the most common one is the selfishness trap. Most people are raised to believe that being selfish is bad, and that instead people ought to focus on making each other happy.
Browne has an interesting way of debunking this idea. Suppose happiness is symbolized by a big, red rubber ball. The person who has the ball is happy, but he doesn’t want to be selfish, so he passes it someone else and so on. No one gets to be happy because they just pass the ball to someone else. What is the point of everyone sacrificing their happiness for other people who are also supposed to sacrifice their happiness? There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and everyone is selfish (focused on their own happiness) to a greater or lesser degree.
And then there are laws and informal social obligations. How should we handle them? Browne says everyone must decide how much they will comply with the wishes of others. You couldn’t please everybody even if you wanted to. Most people are reluctant to break laws and say no to requests, but you must learn to do these things if you want to be happy. Browne says as long as you break the rules carefully and discreetly, you have little to fear.
In relating with others, Browne says the key is keep the relationship limited to mutual benefit. You don’t have to like all the same things your spouse or lover or friend does. Remember that other people are pursuing their happiness too, and if you block them, they will resent it just as much as you would. For example, it may not be a good a idea to start a business with a friend because the business could change the relationship for the worse.
The long and the short of it is nobody has an obligation to make you happy, nor do you have an obligation to make anybody else happy. Realizing this is an exciting feeling. You are not helpless in the face of external forces. You can choose. And even in the worst circumstances, you have control of your own thoughts. You always have some freedom.
There is no escaping the need to use your own judgement. Even when you decide to follow a religious, legal, or moral code, you used your own judgement to select it and you must use your judgement on when to disregard the code.
So be free. There will always be people who will try to tie you up for no good reason. The key is to ignore them.
“I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.”
-Frederick Douglass
“Freedom comes only from seeing the ignorance of your critics and discovering the emptiness of their virtue.”
-David Seabury
“Live free or die.”
-NH state motto
“And when someone accuses you of being selfish, just remember that he’s upset only because you aren’t doing what he selfishly wants you to do.”
-Harry Browne
“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.”
-Mae West
“Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die.”
-Oscar Wilde
“To be nobody but yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you somebody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
-e.e. cummings
Roads: The Achilles’ Heel of Libertarians?
Many people believe that roads, and hence transport, would not exist without a strong central government, and so therefore limited government is impractical.
It’s important to know why roads exist in the first place. Ancient empires like the Persia and Rome built roads to make it easier to move their armies around and also to speed communication between distant cities. These roads were irrelevant to the vast majority of people because, for most of history, it was rare for a person to travel more than a few miles from where they were born. Only a small fraction of people like soldiers, explorers and traders would routinely travel long distances on land. The only practical way to travel long distances for most of history was by horse, and most people couldn’t afford horses.
For most of history, only capital cities had paved roads because kings wanted their cities to look more beautiful. Building roads is expensive now, but it was even more expensive when everything had to be done by hand.
And what roads did exist were usually privatized. The Romans planted olive trees next to their roads and auctioned off sections. Whoever owned the section got to keep the olives in exchange for maintaining the road.
In England, most roads were locally owned or toll roads until the mid-19th century. A typical owner would only own a few miles of road, which was usually nothing more than a gravel path wide enough for a wagon.
In the early years of the US, most roads were built and owned by private companies that sold stock to raise capital, like Pennsylvania’s 1795 Lancaster Turnpike Company. Later, most long-distance travel was by rail and canal, the vast majority of which was built and owned by corporations. Competition from rails and canals led to the bankruptcy of many toll roads which became the property of the states.
Since the states lacked money to maintain these roads, they deteriorated.
All the way up until the advent of cars in the early 20th century, most of the roads in the US were unpaved. Outside the cities, roads were dirt or sometimes gravel. They turned to mud in the winter and dust in the summer. Travel on these roads was slow and unpleasant even in the best conditions.
So to recap the history of roads:
1. Paved roads were rare.
2. Most people didn’t travel long distances on roads.
3. Roads were mainly built to aid the movement of armies.
4. Most roads were privately owned.
The better roads we have now are mainly the result of two inventions: the car (invented by Karl Benz in 1885) and tarmac (invented by Edgar Hooley in 1902). Both these came from the free market. If they didn’t exist, the modern roads we have today would not exist, regardless of what the government did.
It’s also worth pointing out that governments around the world do a poor job of maintaining roads. Of the 25 largest cities in the US, about half the roads have been rated as poor. The city governments have plenty of money to fix roads, but for some reason, they never get around to it.
The best roads are generally found in places with low taxes and government spending. The state with the best roads is Indiana, whose government privatized its highways in 2006. In contrast, San Francisco was rated as having the worst roads in the country despite a city budget of almost $9 billion. Indiana, which has 8 times as many people as San Francisco has a budget of about $12 billion and has had a surplus every year since privatizing its highways.
So rather than being a slam dunk for government, roads are yet another example of how something works better when it is left to the market.
The pros & cons of conscription, AKA the draft
I was in the Army from 2015 to 2021. The US military has been an all-volunteer force since 1973.
The pros of conscription:
-easiest way to fix manpower shortages
-better variety and quality of recruits
-soldiers just want to win the war and go home
-draftees are cheaper; no need for good pay or bonuses to recruit more troops
And the cons:
-people with money and connections can avoid service
-harsh discipline required since many conscripts don't want to be there
-politicians more likely to engage in wars of choice rather wars of necessity
-it's immoral to force people to risk their lives and commit violence
On the whole, I think the all-volunteer system is better for many reasons. In the case of the US, there is no need for a large peacetime military. Even if nuclear weapons didn't exist, it's basically impossible to successfully invade and conquer a country as big and isolated as the America.
Any country with nuclear weapons is safe from conquest, occupation, and regime change, no matter how vulnerable it is to conventional attacks.
How to write and tell jokes
A good first step is to practice writing simple jokes, which include puns and lists. The simplest humor technique of all is repetition, as seen below:
Puns are and easy form of humor suitable for all audiences. It is also easy to collect them through online research. A few I like:
It's even better if you can work the repetition into a conversation where both speakers repeat the same word.
The Dead Parrot skit from Monty Python is great example of a list joke (the listing starts at the 2:20 mark):
Puns are and easy form of humor suitable for all audiences. It is also easy to collect them through online research. A few I like:
A midget psychic escaped from jail. Police say a small medium is at large.
I'd eat kangaroo again, but it makes me jumpy.
Why does no one hear the pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because the p is silent.
Why did the pizza burn the hipster's tongue? Because he ate it before it was cool.
When it comes to telling jokes, it's important to follow your own nature. If you're introverted and soft-spoken like me, tell jokes that fit with that style. You can practice by watching comedians like Steven Wright, Bob Newhart, and Dmitri Martin.
If you're loud and outgoing, you can take inspiration from comedians like Chris Rock, George Carlin, and Robin Williams.
It's best to practice jokes before a live audience, but you can also hone your skills through social media and other online interactions.
Being funny has more advantages for men, especially when it comes to dating. Make a woman laugh, and they'll send you pics like this:
The conversation that preceded the pic:
Me: Why did the pizza burn the hipster's tongue? Because he ate it before it was cool.
Her: Is that somehow related to eating pussy?
Me: I suppose it could be with enough effort. There are restaurants in Japan where men eat off of naked ladies. That must make for interesting job interviews.
"What did you do at your last job?"
"I was a plate."
Her: I've never had sushi but I would probably be a plate
Me: Yeah, the life of an animate utensil is not for me. Which reminds me of the terrifying philosophical implications of the cursed servants in Beauty and the Beast.
Her: Anne rice wrote a version of beauty and the Beast that's erotica. Beauty was a sex slave
Me: Kinky. Was it called "50 Shades of Grey Poupon"?
Her: [sends pic of herself with her underwear in her mouth]
Me: You see, that's the sort of pic that I just couldn't pull off. Not that I've ever tried to entice women by sending them pictures of me with my underwear in my mouth. There's a first time for everything though.
An interesting way to make money - buying from Wal-Mart and selling on Amazon
It's basically the same model as ticket-scalping or any other kind of middleman business. Why bother with inventory if someone else will do it for you?
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