WASHINGTON DC - "While the Blue-to-Pink program has been a resounding success in retaining transgender service members and boosting the share of women in leadership roles, our research shows that the military in general appeals to young cisgender men" explained Joanna Gambolputty of the Pentagon's Gender and Diversity Advisory group. "For some inexplicable reason, increasing numbers of cisgender young men, who for generations have been the backbone of the military, have not responded well to the recent ads featuring cartoon lesbians and drag queens. It's a total mystery and deserves more study", she continued.
"Healthy testosterone levels are key to promoting strength, speed, and endurance. While there have been many breakthroughs in boosting the testosterone levels of transmen, corresponding performance gains have been elusive", said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. "Regardless, we'll forge on, just like in Ukraine. Nothing says, 'be all you can be' like injecting estrogen into your butt", a reference to the recently revived recruiting slogan from the 1980s.
In anticipation of President-Elect Donald Trump's crackdown of transgenders in the military, President Joe Biden signed an executive order prohibiting all military discharges. "It's high time America's fighting men and women receive the same lifetime employment guarantee offered by so many other developed nations", according to a tweet from the White House. "This measure will not only solve the recruiting crisis but also ensure that fledgling Space Force, which I spearheaded, will be ready to stand against China and the other Axis powers."
Experts have turned to artificial intelligence, and more specifically large language models for help in resolving the conundrum. "When I put on this patented stupometron helmet, the supercomputer will directly read my thoughts and produce a printout and an Etch-a-Sketch drawing detailing a solution", elaborated Professor Frink of Miskatonic University. At a recent demonstration, the result of the aforementioned process was a drawing of a hand with six fingers and a printout that said only "nobody's perfect, LOL". Professor Frink explained such issues will be remedied with larger sets of training data.
The Armed Services Committee has proposed linking Selective Service registration to subsidized hormones. "An aggressive campaign targeting this large and overlooked demographic is an easy way to boost recruitment and diversity", according to Gambolputty. "Other countries, especially in Europe, are overtaking the US in this critical sector of defense readiness. I say to Trump: Mr. President, we cannot allow a transgender gap!"
Gambolputty and other experts agree that the crisis cannot be solved any other except to double down on activities like pride parades, rainbow flags, mandatory high heel walks for men, sex changes, drag queens, and slam poetry festivals. "There's so much more to the military than guns, uniforms, etc. We must strive to show the lighter, brighter side of national service. I have my own proposal for teaming up with the marketing gurus at Bud Light to boost recruitment. It can't fail!"
No comments:
Post a Comment