NEW YORK - "I've never any seen anything quite like it, not even during the height of Laurel/Yanny controversy" said Joanna Gambolputty, a public opinion analyst at the Hogwash Institute for Humbug Research. "The very same people quick to condemn not just the use but even the ownership of firearms are all suddenly celebrating shooting someone in cold blood with a silenced pistol. Their principles don't seem to be fixed but rather depend entirely who is being wronged and why. It's as though as soon as they hate someone, anything goes."
Meanwhile, Hugh Jass, chairman of the National Association of Corporations, insisted that the government must do more to protect helpless CEOs. "The true test of a democracy is how well it protects the most vulnerable members of society, such as CEO murdered in this heinous crime. All across this great land, old people strut confidently down the darkest alleys, yet somehow massive wealth does nothing to shield people from violent crime. It's a utter travesty, like that time I saw a shirt untucked at an exclusive golf club."
Elsewhere, Tucker Carlson expressed his outrage while fly-fishing from a lake in Central Park. "What I and absolutely no one else is doing here is perfectly legal, OK? Of course I have enough money to fly-fish anywhere on the globe whenever I want, but where's the fun in that? Is this America?! I thought this was America. What I'm doing is totally different from what other annoying, irresponsible celebrities and rich people do. I'd never trash a hotel room like a rockstar, I have standards, you know?"
Recent polls have been mixed with roughly a 50-50 split among Americans who think it's legal or should be legal shoot CEOs, though a strong majority still agree that money is good. Interestingly enough, the same respondents voiced concerns about not having enough money of their own, wanting more, and being unwilling to have less especially as the result of taxation or inflation. Others suggested that perhaps an annual festival whereby all crime, including murder, would be legal for 24 hours would help tackle problems such as social tension and wealth inequality.
"It would also decrease the surplus population", agreed Professor Malthus of the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. "Of course, such goals would be better reached through Canadian breakthroughs in life-ending care", he continued.
Other less prominent thinkers and groups were more direct in the condemnation of murder, even if the victim was a rich health insurance NCO. "We have a large body of evidence that the so-called Don't Kill rule benefits all in spite of its apparent cost-benefit ratio", said an anonymous protester dressed as the Grim Reaper in Times Square. "It's high time the Supreme Court consulted the secret parts of the Constitution written in invisible ink. Won't someone please think of the children?"
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Tucker Carlson fly-fishing in Central Park:
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/fQvBL1R5nNs
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