Death of a Florida Man

In 2012, a Florida man died shortly after winning a cockroach-eating contest at a pet store. The prize was a rare python. I decided to commemorate this event with a poem. No disrespect to the deceased is intended.

https://www.cnn.com/2012/10/09/us/florida-roach-eating-death/index.html

Death of a Florida Man

Proudly, he sauntered to the stage

the ivory python, the prize all sought

was coiled up in its cage

To win this boon, however

meant to eat with all his might

and that brought the hopefuls

onto the stage that night

the reptile store sold scaly pets

that crawl, slither, and scramble

the contest was to consume insects

none but the brave take such a gamble

the strange menu was meant to reflect

the tastes of cold-blooded creatures

And so at the starting bell, cheered the coaches

and our bold hero rushed to devour 

that prey of lizards, cockroaches

which were the meal of the hour

though all strove through the strange dinner

in the end, there was one clear winner

But lo, the champion soon fell ill

who could eat so many bugs against the body's will?

the bystanders rushed to aid the choking man

alas, it was too late for a helping hand

like Icarus, he flew too close to the sun

and thus was vanquished with the battle won

The tale of his epic feat lives on

and inspires further courage

from his home state of Florida

where such things are almost average

His name was Edward Archbold

The most common math topics on standardized tests

For most people, the culmination of their math career will be a standardized test of some sort, such as the SAT, ACT, GED, ASVAB, FE, GRE, etc. I've taken many standardized and did well on all of them, including a perfect score on the ASVAB. So I have a pretty good idea of what gets asked and thus how to get a good score. Most of those tests ask about 60 questions 2.5 hours, so test takers get about 2.5 minutes per question. It is important not just to get the right answer but also to get it quickly. 

Most of the questions will be about arithmetic, algebra, and geometry. Most of the rest will be probability and statistics. The breakdown is below:

Arithmetic

1. addition with carrying

2. subtraction with borrowing

3. multiplication of numbers with two or more digits

4. long division and remainders

5. fractions (reciprocals, common denominators, reduction)

6. making a repeating decimal into a fraction

7. multiplication and division by powers of 10

8. negative numbers (rules for exponents and multiplication)

9. exponents and logarithms 

10. radicals 

11. factorization (primes, least common multiple, greatest common factor)

Algebra

12. order of operations (PEMDAS)

13. FOIL (first, outer, inner, last)

14. equation of a line (points, slopes, graphs)

15. solving a system of linear equations (elimination, substitution)

16. difference of squares

17. quadratic formula

18. inequalities

19. binomial theorem and Pascal's triangle

20. absolute value

21. functions (evaluation, composition, inverse)

22. piecewise functions, domain and range

23. the number line and intervals

24. properties of equality

25. exponential growth and decay (rule of 72, compound interest)

26. e and the natural logarithm

27. asymptotes, division by zero

28. complex numbers 

29. ratios and proportionality

30. completing the square

31. percent change

32. unit conversion 

33. roots of polynomials

Geometry

34. kinds of lines (intersecting, parallel, perpendicular, skew)

35. kinds of angles (vertical, transversal, complementary, supplementary)

36. sum of interior angles

37. perimeter

38. area

39. surface area

40. volume

41. graphs and equations of conic sections 

42. Pythagorean theorem

43. Pythagorean triples

44. similar triangles

45. Heron's formula

46. distance formula

47. pi, radians, unit circle

48. basic trigonometry (sine, cosine, tangent and their inverses)

49. basic vectors

50. distance moved with constant acceleration

51. special right triangles

Other (probability, statistics, sequences, series)

52. arithmetic and geometric series

53. permutations and combinations 

54. decimal vs binary

55. dice roll, coin flip probability

56. Venn/Euler diagrams and basic sets

57. kinds of graphs (bar, line, histogram, box and whisker)

58. percentiles and quartiles

59. mean, median, mode, and range

60. bell curve, standard deviation

There are other topics that could be studied and should be if time permits, but good knowledge of the above will ensure a superior score on the aforementioned exams. In my opinion, most of what gets taught in math classes is not essential for the important tests. 

The way I see it, the point of studying math is not for everyday use, but to strengthen the mind and enjoy the resulting sense of accomplishment. Yes, it has practical applications, but mathematicians generally don't care what they are. In this way, math is more like poetry, music, or art. It is done for its own sake, and oddly enough, that has led to useful discoveries. 

Doing math can be fun the way finishing a puzzle can be, but unfortunately, most students miss out on that as teachers try to cram as much knowledge into their heads as possible. The math teachers I liked the most treated their classes as kind of a playground for ideas, and I enjoyed that so much more than being given oodles of busy work by teachers seeking only to keep the class quiet. 

Measuring math ability

I think one of the true signs of mathematical intelligence is the ability to solve a problem you've never seen before with the knowledge you already have. Consider the following:

Bobby and Jenny have a car washing business. If Bobby can wash a car in 8 minutes and Jenny can wash one in 6 minutes, how long will it take if they work together?

If the answer isn't obvious to you, take a few minutes to think about it. The solution requires nothing more than basic algebra. If you're stumped, don't worry. Many American college graduates cannot figure out problems like this. I suspect most people would simply take the average of 6 and 8 to get 7.5 minutes. That is incorrect. 

There are a few key steps to the solution. The first is to identify the unknown. In this case, that is the time to wash one car if they work together. We'll call that amount of time x since that is traditional symbol for an unknown quantity. 

Next, it is important to realize that if they work together, the answer has to be less than 6 minutes and that Bobby and Jenny each work for the same length of time. Those amounts are x/8 and x/6 respectively. And when they work together for x minutes, they wash one car. Putting that all together, we get:

x/8 + x/6 = 1

We now want to get x by itself on the left of the equation. That involves multiplying both sides by 8 and 6, collecting the like terms, and dividing by 14.

6x + 8x = 48

14x = 48

x = 48/14 or about 3.4 minutes. 

Most high school graduates could solve the equation easily, but the hard part is figuring out what equation needs to be solved. 

This next question is one I remember from the Florida math teacher qualification test.

Scientists want to estimate the number of fish in a lake. They catch 100 fish, tag them, and put them back. A week later, they go to the same spot in the lake and catch another 100 fish. This time, they count that 5 of them have tags. About how many fish are there in the lake?

We can assume that the number of tagged fish in the second sample is proportional to the number of fish in the lake. We'll call that number x.

100/x = 5/100

x = 2000

In real life, there could be reasons for this estimate to be wrong, but all such problems require making simplifying assumptions. 

When I was a college student, I remember once reading something in one of my engineering textbooks. It was advice not to look for similar worked example problems when doing homework or taking tests. For learning purposes, it's always best to struggle with unfamiliar problems rather than to search for a similar problem and trying to modify its solution. 

Knowledge vs. Intelligence

Knowledge consists of facts and skills that are taught or learned. It is what most standardized tests (SAT, ACT, ASVAB) measure. Intelligence is different and has several aspects. 

Intelligence includes creativity, speed of learning, pattern recognition, and the ability to solve unfamiliar problems. That last ability is rare and crucial and often requires creativity. 

In general, knowledge and intelligence go together, but knowledge is easier to increase through study and experience. Experience is the best teacher, but reading a lot also helps. Books are concentrated experience.

It is possible to get better at solving unfamiliar problems through practice because most problems have common elements. Tolerance for uncertainty is important in that endeavor. 

The varieties of intelligence often cited such as verbal, mathematical, spatial, etc. would more accurately be called skills. 

My advice: read a lot on a variety of topics and try many different activities. Narrow your focus as needed for practical reasons (time and money). 

Quasi-crystalline structure of the aperiodic monotile?

Quasi-crystals are the 3D manifestations of the Penrose tiles. Now that the aperiodic monotile has been found, what material is the 3D form of that?

I conjecture it could be an ultradurable, non-stick steel, among other things. 

Nile Perch vs Asian Carp or Lionfish or Green Crabs?

Nile Perch aren't picky eaters and are voracious predators. It would be worthwhile to conduct experiments on whether they would preferentially eat Asian Carp or other invasive species. The variety from Lake Maryut could be introduced to brackish waters and thence gain the ability to survive in the ocean.

Of course, a repeat of the rabbit or cane toad incidents in Australia is possible, but less likely in the ocean. 

 

After 14 years of bombing, the Houthis have doubled in size

They went from about 100,000 members to 200,000. Allow me to propose a radical solution: do nothing.

They have launched many attacks against ships but have only managed to sink two and kill four sailors. Ignore them. They aren't worth the over $1 billion the US has spent bombing them during Operation Rough Rider. 

Not only does it make the US look stupid to use so much military force to no lasting effect, but it also acts as highly effective recruitment propaganda for the Houthis.  

In the words of the great philosopher Hank Hill, it's like a tire fire. If you try to put it out, you just make it worse. The only thing to do is grab a beer and watch burn.

Utah Data Center - NSA Boondoggle

They spent $1.5 billion to build a gigantic, water-cooled computer complex in a desert:

Utah Data Center - Wikipedia

***

The completed facility is expected to require 65 megawatts of electricity, costing about $40 million per year.[6][19] Given its open-evaporation-based cooling system, the facility is expected to use 1.7 million US gal (6,400 m3) of water per day.[24]

***

Good lord, just use mineral oil, you fools. It's what smart people like me do. Mineral oil has been used to cool high-voltage transformers since the 1890s. It can be used to cool electronics of any sort. 

It is the nature of bureaucracies to pick the most complex and expensive solution so they can justify a larger budget. The same thing happened when Trailblazer won over ThinThread. The high-level NSA employees who protested that decision were viciously hounded. 

***

A group of former NSA workers—Kirk Wiebe, William Binney, Ed Loomis, and Thomas A. Drake, along with House Intelligence Committee staffer Diane Roark (an expert on the NSA budget[7])—believed the operational prototype system called ThinThread was a better solution than Trailblazer, which was just a concept on paper at the time. They complained to the DoD Inspector General office in 2002 about mismanagement and the waste of taxpayer money at the NSA surrounding the Trailblazer program. In 2007 the FBI raided the homes of these people, an evolution of President Bush's crackdown on whistleblowers and "leaks" after the New York Times disclosed a separate program (see NSA warrantless surveillance controversy). In 2010, one of the people who had helped the IG in the ensuing investigation, NSA official Thomas Andrews Drake, was charged with espionage,[7][8] part of the Obama administration's crackdown on whistleblowers and "leaks".[8][9][10] The original charges against him were later dropped and he pleaded to a misdemeanor.

***

Espionage?! You gotta be shitting me. 

Seed Oils, Longevity, & Diet

I find it interesting that the Inuit and other carnivore people have about the same lifespan as everyone else (70, or three score and ten, as the good book says).

Tribes that follow a high-carb diet do about as well:

***

The Tukisenta tribe predominantly eats sweet potatoes, a carbohydrate-rich food.

The Kitavans have a very high-carb diet with lots of saturated fat and little protein, yet they appear to thrive on it without becoming obese or developing metabolic syndrome.

***

https://drscottsolomons.com/blog/2024/10/28/the-tukisenta-tribe-a-nutritional-paradox-in-the-highlands-of-papua-new-guinea

Human metabolism is flexible. Blue zone lifestyles have evidence for longevity (Mediterranean diet, moderate daily exercise, low stress).

***

What differentiates the Tukisenta, Maasai, and Tokelauans from modern Western populations is their lack of processed foods, refined sugars, and seed oils

***

Blue zone diets are free of such things too.

It seems the main things to avoid are tobacco, alcohol, sugar, and seed oils. All of those things are multibillion dollar industries.  

Universal translators are mathematically impossible

When I say "universal", I mean translation to and from any living thing capable of externally expressing its thoughts.

Rick and Morty squirrels uncensored

Whatever sound a human or animal makes, it can only be correlated against a very limited set of actions. 

NSA linguist and whistleblower Perry Fellwock said breaking an unknown cipher requires the interception and analysis of about 30,000 encrypted words. The only way to speed that up is if you have something like the Rosetta Stone. In other words, if we had a large enough sample of dog speech and its English translation, we could translate the language of dogs, if they have one. 

Do Venus flytraps have thoughts? Do cockroaches? Maybe. Probably. It is the utmost arrogance for humans to think they are the only living things with intelligence.

There is evidence that plants grow better with certain music even though they don't even have ears. 

Here, because the neural system of a cockroach is so simple, they can be controlled with electronics:

Cockroach and Brain Cell Hacking - YouTube

Many parasites control their hosts without electronics:

Body Invaders | National Geographic

Greetings to my readers in Vietnam

Not sure what I wrote that got so much attention from your country recently. While I dislike communism intensely, I can admire the fact that the Vietnamese fought several powerful countries (China, France, Japan, US) back-to-back and emerged victorious. Even counting the atomic bombs, Vietnam is the most bombed country in history. And yet today it flourishes and has friendly relations with its former enemies. There's a lesson in that.

 

Here is a famous song by an American soldier. There was a Vietnamese beer called 33, which in Vietnamese sounds like bah-moy-bah. In the song, it got garbled into ba-mi-ba.

Bamiba

This North Vietnamese propaganda film was captured and translated by US military intelligence:

1960s North Vietnamese Propaganda Film Reveals Some Of Their Tactics. Frightening! - YouTube

And here it is, the big cheese: the fall of Saigon, now Ho Chi Minh City:

The fall of Saigon

Ex GIs and VC forgive each other:

Forgiveness in Vietnam - Vietnam Vets Meet a Former Enemy

US medic returns bones to VC whose arm he amputated:

Vietnam Veteran Soldier Reunited With Arm Bones

Perhaps someday I will visit. Until then, I will enjoy pho soup and other such delicacies from time to time. 

Darmok and the Art of Motorcycle Repair

All new Starfleet xenolinguists have a capstone training event whereby they must help a Tamarian ensign rebuild an old earth machine. The goal is twofold: help integrate the Tamarians into the Federation and also give xenolinguists a taste of the challenges they will face when they are off exploring strange new worlds. 

I remember it well. First, we were both shown a reenactment of Picard's trial with Dathon. That was a primer for both me and my Tamarian partner on our respective languages. It struck me that Dathon broke the first rule of linguistic fieldwork in that he did not perform simple actions or point at objects and then ask what they were called. In fairness, the Tamarian language is so strange that perhaps they never had much of a chance to establish their own study of linguistics. I suspect that their planet never had more than one language. That is unusual, but certainly within the realm of possibility. 

In the early days of xenolinguistics, the standard procedure when hailing unknown alien vessels was to message them with prime numbers. However, although math is a universal language, it is also a specialized field, so most intelligent creatures cannot recognize prime numbers easily. It was found that music works way better, because unlike prime numbers, it conveys emotional intent. Indeed, there were several unfortunate incidents where Federation ships were fired upon because the prime number message was interpreted to mean that weapons were being aimed and powered up. If you don't believe me, find an old recording of numbers being broadcasted quickly in Morse Code. At the academy, I wrote a paper strongly urging the use of fireworks when making first contact. Fireworks send a powerful message: don't panic, we are intelligent beings who care about beauty. 

It reminded me of an incident centuries ago during the last great war on earth. The spokesman for Japan (a country now defunct like all the others) was asked for his response to America's threat to use atomic weapons for the first time. He said "mokusatsu" which usually means "no comment", however the literally meaning is "kill [it with] silence" or "that question is so stupid I am ignoring it in contempt". The American leader got the latter translation, became enraged, and ordered an immediate attack. I listened to the American leader's message and was reminded of the Borg's standard ultimatum: Resistance is Futile. The more I learn about the war, the more surprised and relieved I am that humanity has survived another 400 years to my time.

Since I knew what was coming, I did my best to study the Tamarian written language as the vocabulary and grammar of the spoken language was very easy to learn. Since their language has no words for numbers at least as far as I could tell, I suspected they only wrote numbers and related words, sort of like the way humans have a separate written language just for math. Right away, I noticed that their written language looked like a circuit diagram. Surely they must have a concept of numbers and math or else how could they have built starships? The best analogy I can think of is that spoken Tamarian is sort of like an old writing style called cursive, and their written language is like print. Cursive is fast but print is easier to read and produce. 

The fateful day came, and as was tradition, we were both beamed down to El-Adrel, the very planet where Picard and Dathon had their encounter. Fortunately, unlike them, we did not have to worry about the beast of Tanagra. Before us lay a fully disassembled motorcycle, a repair manual, and a box of tools. Maybe my partner had been a mechanic before, because he went straight for the manual. A linguist from centuries past named Knozorov deciphered the Mayan written language. He had a hard life and was bitter that his genius work was uncelebrated because of the totalitarian regime which employed him. 

Consider Euler's Identity. It is one of the greatest and most profound truths in mathematics, just like E = m*c^2. Now imagine how hard it is to write either statement in plain English. The Tamarians must have realized long ago that regular spoken language is insufficient for such tasks, hence their writing system. 

I could tell my partner was getting frustrated, so I said "Darmok and Jalad. Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra." In Tamarian folklore, Darmok and Jalad started as enemies but then worked together to defeat the beast of Tanagra. The story, as best I can tell, is the basis of Tamarian morality. I pointed at myself and said my name. Then I pointed at him. "Sokath" he replied. "Sokath, his eyes open", I joked. In Tamarian, that phrase also means "I understand", among many other things. It got a chuckle out of him, so I figured we were off to a good start. I had just made a pun in an alien language. 

He paused, sighed with frustration, and said "the beast of Tanagra" then pointed at the motorcycle. There were a few diagrams in the manual, but it was meant for repair, not assembly from scratch. I decided we first needed to determine which set of tools to use. It was easy enough to identify the metric tools. I picked up a motorcycle bolt and examined it for any writing. It was a bit hard to see, but I saw 3/8 written on the bolt. OK, so it's not metric. I went to the box of tools and started looking for anything marked 3/8. 

Sokath sighed with weary resignation before saying "Kidir beneath Momotei."

I showed him the bolt then pointed at the box of tools. For emphasis, I wrote "3/8" in the ground with a stick. Sokath was intrigued. Evidently human math was just as much a mystery to him as his language was to the Federation. To explain, I gathered eight pebbles, made a group of three, and group of five, and then drew a slash between them. Sokath looked like he had been struck by lightning. Below my drawing, he made his own, which took to be the Tamarian equivalent. 

Before he was killed by the beast of Tanagra, Dathon gave Picard a pocket-sized book of some sort. The writing had yet to be deciphered, yet copies of it were available, and I had been studying one for a few months prior while making very little progress. Just as hieroglyphics were only deciphered with the help of the Rosetta Stone, there was no way to decipher Tamarian script without knowledge of certain key words. My initial impression was that Tamarian did not use an alphabet and was sort of like Chinese.  

I took the Tamarian handbook out of my pocket, pointed at Sokath's drawing, then pointed at the handbook. He opened it to a page near the front and began gathering pebbles, which he then arranged in groups corresponding to the numbers one to ten. Then he wrote Tamarian next to them. Eureka!, I thought. Here's our Rosetta Stone. At that point I decided that translating the Tamarian handbook was a better use of our time than assembling a motorcycle, whatever the hell that is. Some kind of very expensive toy from what I could tell. After figuring out arithmetic in the dirt, we switched to pen and paper, which I always got made fun of for using. If it ain't broke, don't fix it was my response to being called a luddite and a dinosaur. 

Somewhere around differential equations, our mutual knowledge of math was exhausted, but we had succeeded in creating a way for Tamarian scientists and mathematicians 

to communicate with their counterparts. 

Then came the truly interesting part: exploring the connection between spoken and written Tamarian. I took the motorcycle manual and read aloud a block of text as I traced under the words with my finger. Sokath immediately understood my idea, and did likewise with the Tamarian handbook. Once in a while, he would pause on a symbol and then point at drawing on the ground or one of the pages we'd written on. So that explains it. They have numbers, measurement, and math, just not in spoken form. I was reminded of written Chinese, which was used as a medium of communication for centuries across Asia even though people in different countries pronounced the symbols differently. Yet because the symbols had the same meaning in every country, communication was possible at least in writing. 

We were duty bound to construct the motorcycle, so we turned our attention to that. It actually wasn't that hard once we'd identified the right tool set and rediscovered an ancient bit of knowledge called "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey". It was just after sunset when we finished. There were no parts leftover, so I presume our assembly was more or less correct. I contacted the ship in orbit, and an inspector beamed down to check our work. 

"You guys really came together well on this", she said. "Most who attempt this challenge get frustrated and just end up fighting each other. Or one guy sort of figures it out and does all the work by himself. Let's see if it actually runs."

Sokath got on and hit the kickstart. The engine came to life with a satisfying roar, and Sokath did a slow circle around me and the inspector before parking it and turning off the motor.  

"Excellent work, gentlemen. Now take it apart so it's ready for the next pair."

I started to do as she said and motioned Sokath to come help.

"Ugh, Koltar when he drowned in the swamp", said Sokath. 

We went our separate ways not long after but tried to stay in touch. In the meantime, I had a new project of creating an English-Tamarian dictionary, the first of its kind. Hopefully that would mean the end of the silly motorcycle ritual. It would be the first bilingual dictionary written after the invention of the universal translator more than 300 years ago. 

More Weird Internet Glitches

I was trying to write "there is no person who believes that" in Levantine Arabic and got this:

Well, that might be true, but it's definitely not an accurate translation of what I wrote above, which was also misidentified as Hausa. I took an online course in Hausa years ago while in the Army.

Here's a curious anomaly:

I doubt very much that's some obscure Russian idiom.

Never seen an error in the captions like that before, though the difference in the numbers is equal to the duration of the clip. 

My appeal to the Ukrainian International Legion from 2022

 

They have yet to respond. 

The Science of Victory - an underrated war manual

It was written by General Suvorov, one of history's few undefeated commanders. He even defeated Napoleon.

He summarizes winning as: eyes, speed, impact. That means find the enemy before he finds you, move in quickly, and hit him as hard as possible at his weakest point.

Pobeda means victory in Russian, and there is a verb for which means "to be victorious". It is the second word of his book. The Wikipedia article on Suvorov is excellent. 

Alexander Suvorov - Wikipedia

Tuesdays With Derpy - A warning from the future

The old man awoke. The lights were on, and he was still wearing the same clothes he had on 12 hours ago. “Christ, did I drink until I passed out *again*?”, he wondered to himself. He struggled out of bed and turned on the holoprojector, already set for NPR. Instantly, a decrepit, 104 year-old Ken Burns was in mid-sentence: “…destroying all hitherto known norms and…[wheeze, hack, cough] of our democracy. But this was only the beginning. A female voice-over spoke: tune in next week for part 68 of Ken Burns’ seminal series: Surviving the Horror of Trump’s America. If you would like to contribute to Ken Burns’ anti-gerisol fund, please uptwinkle and wait for the prompt to scan your Patriot bar code.

Her vocal fry and uptalk made the old man wince.

Well, time to make breakfast, the old man thought. He put the soylent hotdogs in the sink to thaw. A passing maglev train rattled his room in the cage motel. Transients welcome, said the friendly neon sign on its facade. “How often does the train go by?”, he remembered asking his roommate Jasper 12 years ago. “So often you won’t even notice.” Jasper was dead now. He got his beard caught in a woodchipper.

Golden years, shmolden years, he scoffed to himself. I’m running on fumes with 4 flat tires.

Ah, but today was Tuesday, and that was his favorite day because the young man from college would come to visit and talk. He promised to write a book about their chats.

“How about we call it ‘Tuesdays with Derpy’ ?”, suggested the old man.

***

The old man left his room in the cage motel and walked downstairs. He preferred the stairs even though it made his legs ache because the stairwell was quiet. Almost no one used stairs anymore, so it was one of the few places in the urban world that wasn't covered with ads and filled with noise. 

If rats bought soylent, there'd be ads in the sewers, the old man thought to himself.

Out in the street, he made his way to the park. He was going to meet the college kid there to feed tofu to the ducks. He reminded himself to tell the college kid that people used to feed *bread* to ducks, but that was before the War on Gluten.

War on this, war on that. So many of them. He couldn't remember a single time in his life when there hadn't been a war. 

Across the street, a group of protesters stood in front of a pharmacy. From their slogans and signs, he could tell they were Bacteria Rights protesters. 

"Hey-hey! Ho-ho! Flu vaccines have got to go!", they shouted in rhythm as they uptwinkled and danced.  

The old man crossed the street to check things out. He overheard a man in a white lab coat trying to reason with a protester. 

"Look, first of all, the flu is a virus, not bacteria. Please listen. I'm a pharmacist."

The scrawny, pink-mohawked, nose-ringed protester was silent for a moment as her(?) face twisted into a grimace. 

"Don't man-splain to me, racist. Vaccines have *electrolytes*! The science is settled!"

"Do you even know what an electrolyte is?!" The pharmacist's faced flushed and his voice shook. 

The old man decided it was time to take one for the team. He cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted in rhythm:

Slogan, slogan, buzzword, rhyme! We are here to waste your time! We got bullshit, yes we do! We got bullshit how 'bout you?

There were a few stifled laughs from the protesters and a stony look of hate from Pink Mohawk. She(?) blew a whistle and shrieked: "Haaaate...speeeeeeeeech!" It was like the screech of a red-tailed hawk with a women's studies degree. 

Flashing blue lights and tentacle-mounted cameras popped out of the sidewalk. Sirens blared. A robotic voice announced: Citizens, identify the thought criminal!

The protesters screamed and pointed at the old man. A camera tentacle came 6 inches away from the old man's face. It spoke to him: Citizen, explain yourself.

The old man answered: Lo siento, no hablo ingles. Soy solamente un hombre viejo cansado. Que es la problema?

The camera tentacle withdrew and fixed its gaze on the protesters. It spoke to them: you are all in violation of section 62 of the Verbal Morality Statute: 1st degree othering a non-English speaker. You are hereby sentenced 10 hours of sensitivity re-education and your social media accounts will be suspended for 1 hour. You have 20 seconds to comply. 19, 18, 17..."

The protesters kneeled and put their hands behind their backs. The camera tentacles roped them together and a security bot led them away like a very sad, patchouli-scented train. 

The pharmacist thanked the old man and shook his hand. The pharmacist also said that if the old man ever needed certain things [cough] anti-gerisol [cough], come to his pharmacy. 

The old man walked on. He passed Veterans of Antifa Post 1138. The wall had a mural of 6 Antifas throwing milkshakes at a guy wearing a MAGA hat.  

Christ, what a bunch of assholes he thought. He decided to save that fight for another time.

It was late in the afternoon when he finally reached the park and found the college kid. 

What took you so...you must have gotten in another fight, the college kid answered his own question. 

Just gimme some tofu, said the old man as he put out his hand.

As he tossed a squishy cube into the pond, he mentioned that when he was a kid, people fed *bread* to ducks.

Oh really? That must have been before the War on Gluten, said the college kid.

The old man smiled. He was happy he remembered. 

***

The old man and the college kid slouched on the couch and drank bottles of Tolerance Lager. The holoprojector was playing NPR news. 

The announcer was breathless: this morning's mass shooting was the worst in history. With us a now is a spokesman from the National Ray Gun Association.

My first question sir, is why does anybody need a plasma rifle in the 40-watt range? 

The holoprojector displayed the rifle, with its gleaming chrome body and graceful curves. It was an elegant weapon from a more civilized era. 

I'd buy that for a dollar, said the old man. 

Yeah, me too said the college kid. 

I think a better question, said the spokesman, is why are you making this about the weapon rather than the shooter?

Because your organization is the reason these murder machines are available, screeched the announcer.

Ooh, Madame Vocal Fry is getting that righteous anger, said the old man. 

I think I know why they haven't said anything about the shooter, said the college kid as he scrolled his Eye Phone for more news.

Oh? Who did it, asked the old man.

It appears that the shooter was a member of a certain community...the college kid trailed off.

Xenomorphs? Yeah, that's been happening a lot lately, said the old man.

The college kid gave him the stink eye and nudged him in the ribs.

Oh, right. The old man counted down from 3 with his fingers, then they both got up and shouted in unison: 

We totally respect the Xenomorph community. Xenomorphophobia is hate speech!

There, that should keep the damn Thought Police happy, muttered the old man. 

Our next guest a is a spokesman from the Council of American-Xenomorph relations, said the announcer. 

Special thanks to Amazon, who built a special purpose Alexa to translate, the announcer added. 

It was a lobster-like creature. For a few moments, it growled, buzzed, and hissed as its antennae swayed, and its mandibles fidgeted. 

Great to be here, said the bubbly female voice emanating from the Alexa. 

Sir, remind us again about the purpose of your organization, asked the announcer.

More growls, hisses, and buzzes. Then the voice of Alexa again. 

The Council of American-Xenomorph relations works to build respect and understanding among all the sentient life forms of this planet.

It is part of the larger effort to build the Greater Galactic Co-Prosperity Sector. I am proud to represent it. 

It fills my abdominal and thoracic hearts with joy. 

Ah, how nice, said the announcer. Forgive me, but I must ask if you have a comment on today's tragedy, asked the announcer.

Even more growls, hisses, and buzzes. It sounded like someone threw a beehive in a fire and then doused it with water. 

Of course, it is terrible, and it saddens us greatly that the shooter was one of our own. 

But what about the National Ray Gun Association and white males? Surely they share some of the blame. We must be careful not to demonize an entire community, especially one as committed to peace and unity as ours.

Wise words. Thank you so much for being here, said the announcer. 

My pleasure, the creature gargled in nearly intelligible English. 

And now we turn to world news, specifically the ongoing turmoil in Nee-kah-rrrawg-wah, said the host.

Ugh, enough already, groaned the old man as he turned off the holoprojector.

Let's go feed tofu to the ducks, said the college kid.

Great idea. At least the ducks won't give me some half-baked sermon said the old man. 

***

You got a letter, and it looks important, said the college kid as he entered the old man's room. 

Ah, the good ol' US Postal Service, thought the old man. Those guys are giving the cockroaches a run for their money.

It was a angry-looking letter with lots of red ink and the words FINAL NOTICE- IMMEDIATE ACTION REQUIRED!

I forgot where I put my reading glasses, said the old man. Could you read it to me please?

The college kid opened it and began reading: You are receiving this notice because you are delinquent in your PanopticonBook account.

To avoid fines and penalties, you must log into your account at once and post the following:

1. a comment praising your local government

2. a picture of the last meal you ate

3. a comment praising the state government

4. a video of you criticizing something; see below for the list of acceptable targets

5. a comment praising the national government

6. a comment giving your full name, age, address, employer, Social Security number, and phone number

7. a picture of your face no more than 24 hours older than the postmark of this notice

8. a lolcat picture

The old man sighed heavily. It's bad enough I get bombarded with their propaganda and now they're forcing me to write it for them, he said.

Do you even have a PanopticonBook account, asked the college kid.

I did a really long time ago, said the old man. It was called something else back then. That was before the gubmint seized it. 

How did things get like this, asked the college kid.

The old man paused to gather his thoughts. He rubbed his chin. Then he spoke:

About 200 years ago, life was tough for everyone. Most people had to work very hard just to stay alive and many died young. 

The world was also a much more dangerous place. And even rich people couldn't buy the things we take for granted today.

Slowly, over the next hundred years or so, technology improved, and things steadily got better. 

I'd say overall, technology peaked when I was a kid. The last great invention was the internet and that was about 70 years ago. 

Anyway, as things got better, life got easier, and people became dumber and weaker. 

In the past, you had to be some combo of smart, strong, sexy, and lucky to live long and prosper.

But as technology made everyone richer, we reached a point where any moron or jackass could survive and have kids. 

That process was nearly complete when I was about your age. Things took a turn for the worse when you-know-who got elected.

When you-know-who got re-elected, the country collapsed. The red countryside became deep red and the blue cities became deep blue.

It's been that way for about 40 years now and it will probably stay that way, the old man said as he plopped down on the couch.

Cheer up, said the college kid. I got you a present.

It was a belt. The buckle was in the shape of an onion.

You know, I didn't really wear an onion on my belt, said the old man. That was just a joke from an old TV show.

...T...V?, asked the college kid. Is that like NPR?

The old man laughed. Yeah, I guess it was. I just wasn't smart enough to see it back then, said the old man.

Well, I guess I should go take some of those whatcha-call-it...selfies?, the old man wondered aloud.

The college kid laughed. Heh, I learned about those in history class. What a stupid fad!

***

The hovercar trundled down the dusty path.

Keep your eyes peeled for the sign, said the old man in the passenger seat.

What's it say again, asked the college kid.

Whizzing Cheese Republican Reservation, said the old man. 

The last of the Republicans, he added. 

Well, we got another hour at least on the road. Any pearls of wisdom to share, asked the college kid.

The old man leaned back and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. After a few moments, he spoke:

There are basically 2 types of people in the world. Nobody is all the way one or the other, but everybody is closer to one side.

The first kind, I'll call him the Hank Hill type. These guys are great: honest, polite, hard-working, careful. 

They are the reason toliets flush, lights turn on, and planes don't fall out of the sky. Without them, we'd all be living in caves.

The other kind, I'll call him the Keith Richards type. These guys are great too: wild, creative, fun, passionate.

Every song, book, or movie you've ever liked, it came from the Keith Richards tribe. And a lot of great, new ideas too.  

So we need both, but there has to be a balance. When too many Hank Hill types are in charge, life can get really boring.

And when too many Keith Richards types are in charge, everything goes to hell so fast it makes a dumpster fire look like Swan Lake.

Somewhere along the line, too many Keith Richards types got in charge. And not the smart ones either. Things started to get bad.

The Hank Hill types knew something was wrong and they tried to fix things. They went about it the only way they knew how.

They wrote long-winded letters to the editor. They went to protests dressed up like Ben Franklin. They went to school board meetings.

While they were doing that, the Keith Richards types were making songs, movies, TV shows, and college classes for their side.

Somewhere along the line, the Hank Hill types forgot how to tell a good story, and that is why they lost. 

It's like what I read in an old book: Every trail has its end, and every calamity brings its lesson!

***

The old man and the college kid slouched on the couch and drank Equality pale ale. They were watching NPR, because that was all there was. 

The announcer spoke: And now, we proudly present a new documentary by Ken Burns- Heroes of Antifa.

Beautiful, dramatic music played over a slow-motion, sepia montage: 2 Antifa guys pushing over a trashcan, a scrawny Antifa throwing an awkward punch, 

a mob of Antifa struggling to pull down a statue, Antifa knocking MAGA hats off eldery people...

Gee, I sure hope they don't break their arms from patting themselves on the back too hard, said the old man. 

The young man's face contorted as he struggled to understand. Then he said: they...they really thought they were amazing heroes for *that*?!

Oh, you don't know the half of it, said the old man. Back in the day, seemed like everyone of them thought they were storming the beaches of Normandy for

retweeting "orange man bad" stuff. You know where the name Antifa comes from, don't you?

No, said the college kid.

It stands for anti-fascist, you know, like Nazis and such, said the old man.

I thought Nazi and fascist were just insults, like racist or moron or Republican, said the college kid.

The old man buried his face in his hands and sighed. No, all those are real things and they are not the same, said the old man. 

So what's the difference, asked the college kid.

The old man paused and said: I could spend hours explaining the differences, but the gist is Nazi, fascist, and racist refer to evil and false beliefs, moron means

not smart, and about half the people in this country are Republicans of some sort, even if they are reluctant to say so. 

So how did those words turn into insults, asked the college kid.

Social media, said the old man. Our prog overlords had a monopoly on that, and anyone who said something they didn't like was labeled racist, Nazi, etc.

That's really stupid and sad, said the college kid.

Yeah, said the old man. Over time, all the dissenting voices were silenced. People became afraid to speak their minds, and so the vicious cycle began. 

I've learned a lot since I met you, said the college kid. I should go home and work on our book. Have a nice night. 

Half an hour later, the old man was relaxing on the roof of the cage motel. He took lazy puffs on a cigar and looked at the sky. 

Ortega. Palmer. Kowalski. He didn't know what hurt more- that they were gone or that he had trouble remembering their faces and names. 

He crushed out the cigar and went to bed. 

***

It was a dreary day. The Old Man wanted to liven things up. What kind of snitching goes on these days, he asked the college kid.

Oh, there are so many, said the college kid: the Department of Hurt Feelings, The Preferred Pronoun Police, the Bureau of Microaggressions...

OK, I get the idea, said the Old Man. Say, pick one of those places and put them on speaker phone with me.

You got it, said the college kid. The sound of a ring tone filled the room washed over the room like waves on a beached whale for a few moments.

Department of Emergency Re-education, state your denunciation, said the robo-voice.

The Old Man adopted a falsetto: yes, this is Sue DeNim of 123 Fake Street. I wish to report a misgendering I witnessed at the Veterans of Antifa Post 1138.

A Bias Response Team has been dispatched, shouted the robo-voice before the call abruptly ended.

Call another, said the Old Man. The college kid scrolled his EyePhone for a moment. More ringtones.

Hate Speech Hotline, please describe the thought crime, chimed a robo-voice. 

The Old Man did a bad Colombo impression: My name is Hugh Jass, and ah, I live close to the, ah, Antifa Vet post...

The robo-voice spoke again: stay on the line, citizen, this is a serious matter and it is a felony to make an incomplete report.

It sounded like a talking smoke alarm that just found out the airline lost its luggage. 

The Old Man stayed in character: well, lemme just ask ya one thing- is it a crime when some Antifa guys don't use the right pronouns?

A sympathy squad has been dispatched with extra crayons and puppies, screeched the robo-voice. 

Call one more, said the Old Man with satisfaction. Even the ringtones started to sound like stifled laughter. 

Misogny and Mainsplaining Ministry, chirped the robo-voice. Please describe the nature of the sexism. 

The Old Man did a bad John Wayne impression: Well, pilgrim, my Name is Mike Hunt, and if there's one thing that gets me angry, it's sexism.

Go on, said the robo-voice, like a microwave announcing a freshly cooked bag of popcorn.

The Old Man continued: well, ah...the thing is, the sexists are the guys from the Department of Re-Education. One of them said...something so awful...

Go on, pleaded the robo-voice. There was a faint hint of an old dial-up modem in its speech. 

The Old Man continued with feigned angst: xe said...xe said...there are only 2 genders! Oh, it was just the most problematic thing!

Gender Studies commandos are on the way, shrieked the robo-voice.

The Old Man breathed in slowly and sat in his recliner. And now we sit back and watch the fireworks. Put on NPR, he said.

The announcer was somber: Tragedy struck today at Antifa post 1138 as multiple goodthink enforcement agencies rushed to the scene of a badthink hatecrime sadcry. 

In the ensuing chaos, the puppies escaped their expert handlers, ate most of the crayons, and had accidents all over the post's rec room. 

The holoprojector displayed a court-room style color pencil drawing of twig-armed cretins screeching at each other while puppies shat everywhere. 

We reached out to a Jedi Moonshine Lumberg, one of the veteran survivors of today's incident for comment, said the announcer.

A bald old man with a nose ring and a haggard face spoke haltingly: today was terrible. It was almost as bad as the time I sprained my wrist from throwing a milkshake. 

***

What's this?, said the college kid as he held up some framed ribbons.

Oh, that's just a few souvenirs from some stuff I did a long time ago, said the old man. 

Liar, said the college kid.

Ok, fine, I tried to be modest, said the Old Man. Get us some beers, will ya?

The Old Man took out his dentures and used them as a bottle opener. The cap of the Progress Pilsener clattered to the floor. 

He began: I re-upped after my first few years in the Army and got press-ganged into the Space Force. They sent off to some god forsaken rock. I think it was called Chalupa Prime. It's one of the moons orbiting the gas giant Quilmes. 

You were in the War of the Argentine Moons?, asked the college kid.

Well, I was *there*, said the Old Man, but I didn't see much combat. You see, I was already an old man by military standards, so it was mostly rear echelon stuff. Some of it was interesting, but on the whole, kind of a yawn fest. Except for the Crustaceanoids, of course. We called them Shellbacks. We were there to protect the refinery from them. You see, at the time we required more Vespene gas. And so began Operation Crab Cake. Of course, there was plenty of down time, enough for us to mingle with the locals. There were these things. They best way I can describe them is lobstergirls. Well, they were always ready for a good time. I heard they gave good clawjobs, but I was too scared to get one. Anyway, where was I?

Sex with space alien lobster girls, said the college kid. 

Oh yeah, that. Good times, lemme tell ya. Old Bay is their aphrodisiac; remember that if you're ever on Chalupa Prime. That was a long time ago. I retired from the military a few years before it got renamed the Social Justice Defense Forces. And that's pretty much it. 

The Old Man chugged the rest of his beer and put the bottle on the end table. 

***

The voice on the holoprejector spoke: and now, NPR proudly presents part 89 of the award-winning documentary by Ken Burns: Surviving the Horror of Trump's America.

The aforementioned 104-year old film maker spoke haltingly: In the spring of 2020, a devastating plague swept the nation. Historians agree that the blame lies largely with Trump, who ignored and gutted the very agencies charged with protecting against such disasters. Instead of coordinating with the responsible Chinese, who had been coordinating with the World Health Organization to fight the pandemic from day 1, Trump chose instead to engage in wild conspiracy theories which forced the nation's sensible Democrat governors to issue lock down orders...

The old man was so angry, he spit out the beer in his mouth and threw the mostly full can at the screen. That's not what happened, you goddamn worthless candy-ass chickenshit liar! 

The monitoring unit on the wall buzzed and informed the Old Man he was fined 10 credits for violation of the Verbal Morality Statute. 

The Groogle's Doodle and the Strudel Bugle

***

I put Lewis Carroll, Dr. Seuss, and Shel Silverstein into my mental blender, and this is what came out.

***

A groogle named Dougal made a doodle of a noodle-eating poodle

"Oh, what fine work I've done!" said the groogle

the groogle blew a bugle, the signal for strudel

but even after the groogle blew the strudel bugle

the groogle's servant came without a strudel

"Apologies, my lord Dougal", said the abashed servant 

who had to muddle through a puddle on the double 

"We're out of strudels and I lack the recipe"

At this, the groogle (named Dougal) used Google to find strudel

"Ah ha!" said the droogle named Dougal, "let's take the flagon wagon"

and so the droogle and his servant named Foozle set out for strudel

the flagon wagon stout and sure, for it was a gift from a dragon

thus the droogle named Dougal and his servant named Foozle set out

in the dragon flagon wagon in search of strudel found on Google

"When you see the strudel", said the groogle named Dougal 

to his servant named Foozle, "be sure to blow the strudel bugle"

Blowing the strudel bugle was the only way to scare off the

noodle-eating poodle that the groogle named Dougal had doodled

Their journey was not easy; they had to muddle through a puddle

in the dragon flagon wagon; there was a bungle in the jungle 

when a killer gorilla flotilla from Manilla attacked the groogle

named Dougal and his servant named Foozle just as Foozle spotted

the strudel and blew the strudel bugle from the dragon flagon wagon

a killer gorilla from the Manilla flotilla grabbed a paddle for the battle

that was a jungle bungle and the groogle and Foozle tried to muddle through a puddle

but the puddle paddle battle with the killer gorilla flotilla from Manilla for

the dragon flagon wagon began just as Foozle blew the strudel bugle

It was a raucous melee when entered the fray none other than the noodle-eating poodle

whom the droogle named Dougal had doodled before he Googled for strudel!

For you see, when Foozle blew the strudel bugle, he summoned the noodle-eating poodle

named Kitten Kaboodle to the midst of the dragon flagon wagon puddle paddle battle

with the killer gorilla flotilla from Manilla 

Kitten Kaboodle seized and blew the strudel bugle which signaled all the noodle poodles

to converge on the dragon flagon wagon of the droogle named Dougal and his servant named Foozle

The killer gorilla flotilla from Manilla was about to flee when the poodle named Kitten Kaboodle

offered strudel to them, for that is the custom whenever a noodle poodle hears the call of the strudel bugle

In thanks for the strudel, the droogle named Dougal passed the strudel bugle to the noodle poodle

named Kitten Kaboodle and ended the dragon flagon wagon puddle paddle battle with the killer gorilla flotilla from Manilla 

Once back at home, the groogle named Dougal made another doodle of the noodle poodle named Kitten Kaboodle who now was the keeper of the strudel bugle

perfect squares and the factorization of semiprimes

 I'll start with a few simple examples. 

11*13 = 143

12*12 = 144

13 - 12 = 1

12 - 11 = 1

144 - 143 = 1

1 = 1^2

Hmm. Interesting. 

7*11 = 77

9*9 = 81

11 - 9 = 2

9 - 7 = 2 

81 - 77 = 4

4 = 2^2

So if a and b are prime, and c is an integer halfway between them, then: 

sqrt(c^2 - a*b) = a - c = c - b

So given any semiprime, if we round it up to the nearest perfect square and find the difference between that and the semiprime, we can quickly factorize. The integer factorization problem is currently believed to be too hard to solve with current methods. It is also the basis for RSA encryption. 

I like to visualize semiprimes as rectangles made up of unit squares. If you take one of the rows/columns from the short side and stick it onto the long side, you'll see a gap of how many unit squares must be added to make the whole thing a perfect square. That gap will be the shape of a square.

Semiprimes can be thought of as perfect squares with a missing square-shaped piece of one corner. 

OK, time for a bigger example.

991*997 = 988027

Assume we want to factorize 988027. If we take the square root of that, we get almost 994, which is halfway between 991 and 997. If we square 994 and subtract it from the semiprime, we get a difference of 9 which is a perfect square. This proves that 994 is halfway between the factors of the semiprime and that the difference between each factor and 994 is 3 (square root of 9).

Is this end of the integer factorization problem? Maybe. Rigorous proofs are not my strength. 

Good Storytelling vs. Good Writing

These two lists might explain the difference:

List of English-language books considered the best - Wikipedia

List of best-selling books - Wikipedia

only sold well (over a million copies)

Alice in Wonderland, Dune, Pride and Prejudice, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Black Beauty

only called the best

Animal Farm, Lord of the Flies, Ulysses, Heart of Darkness, 1984, Catch-22

sold well and called the best

Lord of the Rings, The Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird, Lolita, Catcher in the Rye

My conclusion: good storytelling makes money; good writing impresses critics.

I remember reading several of the "only called the best" books as assignments in school. I think schools should include more best-sellers in the curriculum. The Great Gatsby and To Kill a Mockingbird are often assigned, but younger readers seem to prefer fantasy, hence the popularity of the Harry Potter books. 

Another minor mathematical insight: chords and cyclic quadrilaterals - squaring the circle?

Any two intersecting chords of a circle will each get divided into two segments. If one chord has segments of length A and B, and the other chord has segments of length C and D, then A*B = C*D because of the  similar triangles that are formed. 

Thus, if the diagonals of a quadrilateral have the same property, it must be a cyclic quadrilateral because the diagonals are chords of a circle touching the corners of the quadrilateral.

However, except for a square, the intersection of the diagonals or chords cannot be the center of the circle because that would make two pairs of identical triangles. 

Lockhart noted that if one connects the midpoints of the sides of ANY quadrilateral, the result is a parallelogram. 

The World of Mathematical Reality – Paul Lockhart

What Lockhart ought to investigate is whether the diagonals of any quadrilateral are chords of a circle. Of course, the answer is no, but why?

The proof is left as an exercise for the reader. 

 

abolition haiku and limerick - poems 55 and 56

an abolition

is perhaps the final word 

sometimes not the end

for some great evil, "abolition!" cries the angry crowd

pomp and circumstance with fiery speeches read aloud

but in their zest they forgot their plans contain a certain fatal flaw

which is that changing minds takes more than just changing the law

for some care less about justice and more about feeling proud

aberration haiku and limerick - poems 53 and 54

an aberration

is not always the worst thing

variety is spice

it's an aberration when what we get

doesn't follow the plan we set

but it's better to roll with the punches

and when needed act on our hunches

than to frown, curse, grouse, and fret

abdomen haiku and limerick - poems 51 and 52

arthropod segments

head, thorax, and abdomen

home of the stinger

for abdomen is garbled Greek

and for those who knowledge seek

know the fondness scholars bold

had for the languages of old

even for tongues they could not speak

abbey haiku and limerick - poems 49 and 50

silent house of god

many monks in prayer are awed

from just the stained glass

Vikings looted an abbey Hibernian

and the monk who was most learned in

Latin mourned the stolen Book of Kells

But from Norse hands it fell 

And now we can tell the tale recorded therein

abalone haiku and limerick - poems 45 and 46

a marine mollusk

taken from cold, autumn seas

a dinner delight

a mollusk from the sea

known as the abalone

has a flat spiral shell

and by that you can tell

whether to take or leave it be 

abattoir haiku and limerick - poems 47 and 48

an abattoir grim

for the cattle that go in 

a job most macabre 

from a grisly abattoir comes our beef

and the doomed, fatted cattle come to grief

but later when I dine 

on a juicy steak so fine

vegetarians are beyond belief

abacus haiku and limerick - poems 43 and 44

still used in Asia

an ancient adding machine

first calculator

though the computer is most fabulous

there is plain beauty in the abacus

for wooden rods and beads

are all that one needs

to reckon even sums tremendous

aardvark haiku and limerick - poems 41 and 42

note: here begin my alphabetical poems

I don't think I can write a poem about every word in my dictionary (65,000 entries) but I will try.

burrowing mammal

eater of ants and termites

nature's pest control

the aardvark from Africa south

has a most unusual mouth 

with a tongue long and sticky

it can afford to be picky

and prefers ant over louse

hypocrisy haiku and limerick - poems 39 and 40

drab hypocrisy

lubricates the social gears

of dark winter nights

a fine upstanding young hypocrite

took a sip from a glass with filth in it

he made not a sound

as he swallowed it down

and then praised the host for his grace and wit

origami haiku and limerick - poems 37 and 38

ori means to fold

miura is the magic

of spring satellites

an astrophysicist Japanese

found a way to stack with ease

his name is Miura

and today it's true you're a

bit smarter for reading this piece

bamboo haiku and limerick - poems 35 and 36

from summer monsoons

the great green bamboo shoots bloom 

their fate: panda lunch

there is plant called wong chuk

famous for being hard to pluck

but once cut and aged

it is fit for a sage

a brings a yamabushi good luck

Houthis Counter US Strikes with Sarcasm

SANA'A - In a statement broadcast on the Houthi-controlled Al-Masirah network, spokesman Mohamed Ahmed Mahmoud Hamid said "Oh, you really got us now, you dastardly Yankees, for you blew up our *other* helicopter that we weren't using. I guess we'd better surrender now." He then paused to puff on a hookah and blow smoke rings for several minutes. "Do you fools have any idea how long we have been at war? By Allah, we've been fighting each other off an on for 60 years, and that started before the Saudis started bombing us 14 years ago. By my count, we've outlasted your last three presidents. And if you somehow win, oh wow, big deal. We're the poorest country in the Middle East, you know."

In response, State Department Spokesperson Joanna Gambolputty criticized Hamid's remarks as "inflammatory and counterproductive" adding that she had been repeatedly assured that Yemen "was, like, getting a ton of food, medicine, or whatever from USAID". Gambolputty went out to add that "the situation would not have deteriorated without certain dangerous and unprecedented budget cuts. If America can't be the world's food pantry and piggy bank, who will? This is not the time to be leading from behind in the field of handing out money, food, or whatever to countries most Americans don't know anything about." On X, Elon Musk quoted this statement and responded with several poop and flame emojis.  

Meanwhile, Israel has announced a new policy of only targeting terrorist groups that start with the letter H. According to IDF Major General Bagel Shmeir, "We can now credibly claim to have de-escalated the situation and now have a free hand to bomb Hayat Tahrir al-Sham in Syria if need be. It makes sense since we have already bombed Hamas, Hezbollah, and Houthis. Just to be clear, however, we retain the right to bomb any country for any length of time regardless of what letter its name starts with. This means you, Iran." Shmeir went on to announce a new program whereby Americans many purchase the debris resulting from the interception of rockets and missiles aimed at Israel. "It's our personal way of thanking the American people for their decades of loyal support. By your genuine shrapnel souvenir today!"

Antiwar activists gathered in front of the Pentagon to protest the latest strikes. At the protest was Joanna Gambolputty, who was fired while this article was being written. Sporting new dreadlocks and a tie-dye t-shirt, Gambolputty led fellow protestors in chants while other recently fired government employees attempted to demolish the Pentagon by calling it racist. Later, the protestors sang Kumbayah and burned MAGA hats until they were dispersed by the arrival of food trucks serving cuisine of various nationalities. Of the protests, President Trump posted on X that "Thanks for supporting local businesses. Now please go home and take a shower. MAGA!"

Read Futility Closet - It has the translation of Kipling's Runes in his Just So Stories

Behold:

Byplay - Futility Closet

In the rough draft of the Bill of Rights, the right to keep and bear arms was the 5th.

That version is:

***

A well-regulated militia, being composed of the body of the people, being the bell security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, but no one religiously serupulous of bearing arms, shall be compelled to render military service in person.

***

https://www.archives.gov/legislative/features/bor 

So they cleared up the whole conscientious objector thing too way back then.

The second proposed amendment was:

***

No law varying the compensation to the members of Congress shall take effect until an election of Representatives shall have intervened.

***

That one got shelved for a while. It was ratified as the 27th amendment in 1992!

***

 The proposed congressional pay amendment was largely forgotten until 1982, when Gregory Watson, a 19-year-old student at the University of Texas at Austin, wrote a paper for a government class in which he claimed that the amendment could still be ratified. He later launched a nationwide campaign to complete its ratification.[2][3] The amendment eventually became part of the United States Constitution, effective May 5, 1992

***

Planet of the Kindergartners

This is an idea that's been slowly coalescing in my mind for a while. Basically, I think that the vast majority of people are stuck at the emotional and intellectual level of 6-year-olds. Take a look at the headlines. Almost all the top stories are about something someone said that made someone else upset. Childish insults have been a staple of adult discourse since the invention of writing. These attacks ads from the election of 1800 are a good example:

Attack Ads, Circa 1800

Trump and his opponents taunt each other constantly. It's pathetic, and it will probably never change. 

It seems we are trapped on the Planet of the Kindergartners.

sardine haiku and limerick - poems 33 and 34

a sea food bargain

Mediterranean fish

is not just for Lent

they famously gather in great shoals

as they dodge the fisherman patrols

but once in the net

their fate it is set

and the sardines become food for the proles

On Anger

I think just about everyone has been told at some point to control their emotions. That advice is misguided. We can't control your emotions because they're like reflexes or sensations. Emotions are the mental equivalent of sweating or shivering. What we can control are our reactions, specifically what we choose to think, say, and do in response to our emotions. 

It's better to think of anger as a tool meant to prepare the body for a physical confrontation. It is the fight in the fight or flight response. So anger like other emotions is useful, but it is not the most important one. Fear is the most useful emotion as its purpose is to prevent people from getting hurt or killed. It can be said that another purpose of anger is to induce fear in another and thus prevent or halt an altercation. 

If we go through the other three of the five basic emotions, disgust protects us from disease, sadness cues empathy in others, and joy is the reward of doing things that fit a person's particular physical and mental nature. Joy is often found by accident, so rather than chasing it, it's better to stumble upon in it while wandering. 

Of all the emotions, anger seems to have the strongest link to memory, though fear is a close second. This explains the prevalence of PTSD among people who have experienced extreme danger and thus the resulting anger and fear. From a survival standpoint, it makes sense that bad memories would be more vivid and lasting as avoiding harm is more important than gaining pleasure. 

A challenge for people who are slow to show anger is that sometimes that is viewed as a sign of weakness and thus an invitation for increasing provocations. Anger must be expressed properly. It is better to vent than explode. 

Nixon: land-based ICBMs are the only missiles with first-strike capability

At the 3:35 mark of this video:

A Lesson In Negotiating With Russians - YouTube

He also says that land-based missiles are the key to any nuclear strategy.

It's such a revealing statement and yet it's attracted very little attention. 

math haiku and limerick - poems 31 and 32

six-sided snowflake

symmetry of rotation

stacks of cannonballs

Kepler was once given a task

that was like a question he'd asked

how well can I fit

the ammo on a ship

"hexagonal close packing", he gasped

How I'd like to teach

I'd strongly prefer to have only two graded assignments per semester or quarter with the higher of the two being the student's final grade for that period. That way if they do badly on one it doesn't hurt their final grade. In fact, if they get an A on the midterm, they wouldn't even need to show up for the final or indeed the classes the second half the semester/quarter. Fewer assignments mean less grading and also less need for make-up assignments. I like to keep things as simple as possible. Unfortunately, many teachers judge themselves and are judged by the amount of paper they compel their students to shuffle, with more = better. 

Homework is best left optional in my view. Too many students don't do it, put in minimal effort, cheat, copy, or try to do it at the beginning of class just before it is checked. High school students are especially prone to such acts. The students who want to excel will do it of their own accord, and the rest will avoid it like the plague. I have no interest in being a disciplinarian or a taskmaster, hence my reluctance to assign it. Of course, in most schools, homework is required by the administration whether the teachers like it or not. 

The exams I'd prefer to give would take an hour and would involve solving one somewhat challenging problem, perhaps one involving a proof. Since that would take a dozen or more steps, there would be plenty of chances for partial credit. Thus, a student who paid attention and made an honest effort would be very likely to get a passing grade, though maybe only a C or a D. Only good students who get the right answer deserve an A or a B in my view. Basically, a fair class should be easy to pass, but hard to get a good grade in. 

In the long run, grades don't matter much. Scores on tests like the ASVAB and SAT matter way more, as does passing licensing exams like the Fundamentals of Engineering test I took shortly before graduating college. Cs get degrees as the old saying goes, and anyone who can chew gum without crapping their pants can get a high school diploma in the US.  

Fortune and fame aren't worth it

The most famous people in history at least until the mid-20th century were all politicians, generals, along with a sprinkling of rich people, artists, and intellectuals. There weren't really famous people from any other category before then. Today, the most famous people are politicians, rich people, actors, musicians, and athletes. At least we have some more variety now. 

And what does all that fame get them? Mainly criticism and a lack of privacy. You have a lot more freedom as non-celebrity as only a small group of people even know what you say and do, much less care about it. In any case, fortune and fame often go together. It's hard to get one without ending up with a lot of the other. Money and power always find each other, hence the intense competition to succeed in politics. 

When I was younger, I had dreams of somehow making it into the history books and thus achieve a sort of immortality. It took a long time for me to realize how foolish I'd been. Pursuing excellence is good, but it's best not to go much further than that. It takes wisdom to understand that having enough is better than having too much. It's best to make peace with the fact that we will all be forgotten within a century or so of our demise unless we were exceptionally prominent in the areas historians judge as important.

A wise ancient Roman said: if glory comes after death, then I am in no hurry.

The lives of lottery winners before and after winning shows that sudden riches are quickly lost, and this is true as well for highly paid athletes and celebrities. A better goal is to become what I call comfortably poor. By that I mean, having enough money to pay for all your needs with little to no income. Of course, this is easier when you live frugally. That mainly entails not having expensive habits or tastes.

In the end, the only thing really worth having besides health is freedom.  

Thucydides said: the key to happiness is freedom and the key to freedom is courage. That might be the wisest thing anyone's ever said.