Military Struggles to Recruit People With Normal Testosterone Levels

WASHINGTON DC - "While the Blue-to-Pink program has been a resounding success in retaining transgender service members and boosting the share of women in leadership roles, our research shows that the military in general appeals to young cisgender men" explained Joanna Gambolputty of the Pentagon's Gender and Diversity Advisory group. "For some inexplicable reason, increasing numbers of cisgender young men, who for generations have been the backbone of the military, have not responded well to the recent ads featuring cartoon lesbians and drag queens. It's a total mystery and deserves more study", she continued.

"Healthy testosterone levels are key to promoting strength, speed, and endurance. While there have been many breakthroughs in boosting the testosterone levels of transmen, corresponding performance gains have been elusive", said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. "Regardless, we'll forge on, just like in Ukraine. Nothing says, 'be all you can be' like injecting estrogen into your butt", a reference to the recently revived recruiting slogan from the 1980s. 

In anticipation of President-Elect Donald Trump's crackdown of transgenders in the military, President Joe Biden signed an executive order prohibiting all military discharges. "It's high time America's fighting men and women receive the same lifetime employment guarantee offered by so many other developed nations", according to a tweet from the White House. "This measure will not only solve the recruiting crisis but also ensure that fledgling Space Force, which I spearheaded, will be ready to stand against China and the other Axis powers."

Experts have turned to artificial intelligence, and more specifically large language models for help in resolving the conundrum. "When I put on this patented stupometron helmet, the supercomputer will directly read my thoughts and produce a printout and an Etch-a-Sketch drawing detailing a solution", elaborated Professor Frink of Miskatonic University. At a recent demonstration, the result of the aforementioned process was a drawing of a hand with six fingers and a printout that said only "nobody's perfect, LOL". Professor Frink explained such issues will be remedied with larger sets of training data.

The Armed Services Committee has proposed linking Selective Service registration to subsidized hormones. "An aggressive campaign targeting this large and overlooked demographic is an easy way to boost recruitment and diversity", according to Gambolputty. "Other countries, especially in Europe, are overtaking the US in this critical sector of defense readiness. I say to Trump: Mr. President, we cannot allow a transgender gap!"

Gambolputty and other experts agree that the crisis cannot be solved any other except to double down on activities like pride parades, rainbow flags, mandatory high heel walks for men, sex changes, drag queens, and slam poetry festivals. "There's so much more to the military than guns, uniforms, etc. We must strive to show the lighter, brighter side of national service. I have my own proposal for teaming up with the marketing gurus at Bud Light to boost recruitment. It can't fail!"

AI Poem #1 - Fossil Ode

From GPT-4o

prompt: write a poem about the picture

 

In ancient stone, a story lies,

Beneath the earth, where secrets rise.

A fossil's whisper, time's embrace,

In rocky depths, its silent place.

The card beside, a measure true,

Marks the past in shades of blue.

A glimpse of life from ages past,

In layers deep, its shadow cast.

The sunlit dust, a gentle veil,

Covers tales of creatures frail.

In every line, a history told,

Of life and death, of young and old.

With careful hands, we seek to find,

The echoes of a distant kind.

In stone and soil, the past we trace,

A timeless dance, a fossil's grace.

AI image recognition is getting really good

I have access to an online AI playground. Here's a screenshot:

 

Americans Unsure If CEO Murder Bad

NEW YORK - "I've never any seen anything quite like it, not even during the height of Laurel/Yanny controversy" said Joanna Gambolputty, a public opinion analyst at the Hogwash Institute for Humbug Research. "The very same people quick to condemn not just the use but even the ownership of firearms are all suddenly celebrating shooting someone in cold blood with a silenced pistol. Their principles don't seem to be fixed but rather depend entirely who is being wronged and why. It's as though as soon as they hate someone, anything goes."

Meanwhile, Hugh Jass, chairman of the National Association of Corporations, insisted that the government must do more to protect helpless CEOs. "The true test of a democracy is how well it protects the most vulnerable members of society, such as CEO murdered in this heinous crime. All across this great land, old people strut confidently down the darkest alleys, yet somehow massive wealth does nothing to shield people from violent crime. It's a utter travesty, like that time I saw a shirt untucked at an exclusive golf club."     

Elsewhere, Tucker Carlson expressed his outrage while fly-fishing from a lake in Central Park. "What I and absolutely no one else is doing here is perfectly legal, OK? Of course I have enough money to fly-fish anywhere on the globe whenever I want, but where's the fun in that? Is this America?! I thought this was America. What I'm doing is totally different from what other annoying, irresponsible celebrities and rich people do. I'd never trash a hotel room like a rockstar, I have standards, you know?"  

Recent polls have been mixed with roughly a 50-50 split among Americans who think it's legal or should be legal shoot CEOs, though a strong majority still agree that money is good. Interestingly enough, the same respondents voiced concerns about not having enough money of their own, wanting more, and being unwilling to have less especially as the result of taxation or inflation. Others suggested that perhaps an annual festival whereby all crime, including murder, would be legal for 24 hours would help tackle problems such as social tension and wealth inequality. 

"It would also decrease the surplus population", agreed Professor Malthus of the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. "Of course, such goals would be better reached through Canadian breakthroughs in life-ending care", he continued. 

Other less prominent thinkers and groups were more direct in the condemnation of murder, even if the victim was a rich health insurance NCO. "We have a large body of evidence that the so-called Don't Kill rule benefits all in spite of its apparent cost-benefit ratio", said an anonymous protester dressed as the Grim Reaper in Times Square. "It's high time the Supreme Court consulted the secret parts of the Constitution written in invisible ink. Won't someone please think of the children?"

***

Tucker Carlson fly-fishing in Central Park:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/fQvBL1R5nNs

NJ Hires Moon Nazis to Fight Drones

TRENTON - "Drastic times call for drastic measures", explained Governor Phil Murphy at a press conference held Friday. The controversial proposal calls for the first very foreign aid program whereby scientists and engineers of the former Third Reich will be tasked with countering the sudden influx of mystery drones targeting the Garden State. "First off, let's not use the other N-word. Operation Paperclip and NASA set the precedent for this over 50 years ago. And yes, while the existence of a German colony on the dark side of the moon may come as a shock to many, is it really that hard to believe? How many of you knew that the first man-made object to reach outer space was a German V2 rocket in 1944?"

"We will be most happy to share the fruits of our secret labors", said Raumfahrerfuehrer Siegfried Wagner von Ulm in a radio interview with NPR's science correspondent Joanna Gambolputty. "If nothing else, it relieves the tedium of life that we have endured for 80 years. It is extremely difficult to brew decent beer or make good sausage up there. And no visitors either except for the occasional wayward cosmonaut, though the fresh DNA from the ova of the female ones was certainly appreciated. We waited in silence for the right time to return, but unfortunately, our politics only became less popular with the passage of time. Even so, perhaps we can redeem ourselves by displaying our technological prowess. It has only grown since the days of the so-called Wonder Weapons."    

Von Ulm went on to explain the technical details of his people's moon habitat, which includes various schools, laboratories, workshops, mines, power plants, and refineries. As a result, he has been swamped with requests from millions of science fiction fans and aspiring astronauts for permission to immigrate to the Dunkelmondlandberg, as the colony calls itself. However, von Ulm said they can only afford to integrate those of superior intellectual and physical qualities, though they would welcome deliveries of cargo, such as schnapps, cheese, and pretzels, that might help them return to earth. "We would be more than happy to turn our base over to NASA other space explorers in exchange for citizenship and help in adjusting back to life with normal gravity."

In the meantime, the lunar Germans have promised to assist from afar. "We have, of course, been monitoring broadcasts from earth and so are aware of such concepts as 'work from home', 'remote work', 'coffee badging', etc. This we will continue with respect to the drone problem until we can finish a suitable re-entry spaceship ferry apparatus. I expect it to proceed at a much faster pace than the construction of our Außerordentlichehochgeschwindigkeitselektronenentwickelndesschwerarbeitsbeigollitron. That was spearheaded by the esteemed professor Johann Jakob Jingleheimerschmidt. Furthermore, we note with both surprise and concern that your educational system is so dysfunctional that you must reach out to such a backwater as ours to find engineering talent. I have been told that this situation has been normal for some time and that you even have a special visa program to act as an antidote."

There have been protests both for and against the Mondvolk, as they like to call themselves, with supporters eager to learn their secrets of space survival and opponents going so far as to say they should be exterminated preemptively because of their superior technology and historically aggressive nature. However, the ACLU and SPLC have stated that should the spacemen land in Mexico and cross the southern border, they should be considered undocumented immigrants and be free to display their swastika flags while parading in Skokie just like other Illinois Nazis.    

hair haiku and limerick - poems 29 and 30

long strands brown and white

stretch from twelve seasons of growth

hair like a lion's mane

***

he grew his hair so long

though many thought it wrong

it looked so damn fine

in the spring sunshine

made him feel like King Kong

jail haiku and limerick - poems 27 and 28

metal door clangs shut

hours pass safe from winter cold

until cell opens

***

a man once went to jail

it left him feeling frail

but once back in bed

at his own homestead

he enjoyed his new tale

Greetings to my readers in Brazil

 Congrats, you knocked Singapore and Russia off their perch to claim the number 2 spot. 

This Bud's (or Xingu, your pick) for you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dht_3NziwSw

This one too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XnQYHlXuEY