WASHINGTON DC - "After meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and consulting with our allies in the region, I sent a secure message to the Sultan of Agrabah. I warned him that we cannot allow his vizier Jafar to gain the magic lamp and wreak havoc on the world", said Trump in a recent speech. According to recently declassified intelligence reports, Jafar, the sultan's closest and most trusted advisor, covets the lamp now in the possession of Prince Ali. The reports do not shed much light on the basic facts of the presumably Middle Eastern country, leading some conspiracy theorists to suggest that it is not even a real place. Intelligence experts from across the political spectrum have denied these allegations.
Elsewhere, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu gave a speech at the UN warning of the grave danger posed by Jafar's nefarious intentions. "We cannot afford to wait for a smoking gun, for it may come in the form of magic smoke spewing forth from a lamp like smoke from a smoking gun. A magic lamp the size of this replica I hold now in my hand contains as much destructive wishing power as all the bombs dropped during WW2. The Agrabahnians must make a choice: either you are with us or you are with Jafar. To the civilized nations of the world, I say that it is better seize the lamp and make wishes over there than for Jafar to get the lamp and make wishes over here." Joanna Gambolputty, a CIA officer, praised Netanyahu for his speech, adding that "it is high time we stand up to Agrabahnese recklessness and disregard of international norms."
Various attempts to negotiate with the Agrabahi government have been without result, though a mysterious Nigerian prince known as Ahtayka Yomonay has offered to broker a peace deal in exchange for a "reasonable fee". According to intelligence reports, Agrabahns live in a closed society behind what has been termed "the bead curtain". It is also believed that mentions of a so-called flying magic carpet are coded references to a secret hypersonic missile program. Current assessments suggest the program takes place at a secluded base in the Shangri La valley. According to Gambolputty, "these reports act as clarion call for proper levels of investment in programs like the F-35 and Fs of even larger numbers."
What remains to be seen is what response, if any, ever comes from Agrabanish leadership. While not much is known about the mysterious sultan, he is rumored to be fond of musicals and parades. Anonymous insiders close to Trump have said that he reacted angrily to a dramatization of one of Prince Ali's parades, and this jealously spurred him to organize a spectacle of even greater proportions. Supposedly, Trump wanted and even greater menagerie on display, but was convinced otherwise and eventually accepted a parade tanks and other military vehicles. Representatives from Disney have been making frantic pleas to meet with Trump to discuss the Agrabah issue further, but no meetings have been scheduled.
