SANA'A - In a statement broadcast on the Houthi-controlled Al-Masirah network, spokesman Mohamed Ahmed Mahmoud Hamid said "Oh, you really got us now, you dastardly Yankees, for you blew up our *other* helicopter that we weren't using. I guess we'd better surrender now." He then paused to puff on a hookah and blow smoke rings for several minutes. "Do you fools have any idea how long we have been at war? By Allah, we've been fighting each other off an on for 60 years, and that started before the Saudis started bombing us 14 years ago. By my count, we've outlasted your last three presidents. And if you somehow win, oh wow, big deal. We're the poorest country in the Middle East, you know."
In response, State Department Spokesperson Joanna Gambolputty criticized Hamid's remarks as "inflammatory and counterproductive" adding that she had been repeatedly assured that Yemen "was, like, getting a ton of food, medicine, or whatever from USAID". Gambolputty went out to add that "the situation would not have deteriorated without certain dangerous and unprecedented budget cuts. If America can't be the world's food pantry and piggy bank, who will? This is not the time to be leading from behind in the field of handing out money, food, or whatever to countries most Americans don't know anything about." On X, Elon Musk quoted this statement and responded with several poop and flame emojis.
Meanwhile, Israel has announced a new policy of only targeting terrorist groups that start with the letter H. According to IDF Major General Bagel Shmeir, "We can now credibly claim to have de-escalated the situation and now have a free hand to bomb Hayat Tahrir al-Sham in Syria if need be. It makes sense since we have already bombed Hamas, Hezbollah, and Houthis. Just to be clear, however, we retain the right to bomb any country for any length of time regardless of what letter its name starts with. This means you, Iran." Shmeir went on to announce a new program whereby Americans many purchase the debris resulting from the interception of rockets and missiles aimed at Israel. "It's our personal way of thanking the American people for their decades of loyal support. By your genuine shrapnel souvenir today!"
Antiwar activists gathered in front of the Pentagon to protest the latest strikes. At the protest was Joanna Gambolputty, who was fired while this article was being written. Sporting new dreadlocks and a tie-dye t-shirt, Gambolputty led fellow protestors in chants while other recently fired government employees attempted to demolish the Pentagon by calling it racist. Later, the protestors sang Kumbayah and burned MAGA hats until they were dispersed by the arrival of food trucks serving cuisine of various nationalities. Of the protests, President Trump posted on X that "Thanks for supporting local businesses. Now please go home and take a shower. MAGA!"
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