In the farthest reaches of the deep south, there exists the county of Alachua. The mighty rednecks of that wild country are indeed fierce and their brutality is highly advanced. Sometime around 1985, a child was conceived in the back of a pick-up truck at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert and later abandoned upon birth. As he grew to maturity, he found himself possessed of amazing powers. Ornrier than burning hornet! More impulsive than Charlie Sheen! Able to drink Rick Flair under the table over and over! The infant of Alachua is now the Man of Florida. FLORIDA MAN!
To best use his incredible abilities in a never-ending battle for truth and justice, Florida Man has adopted the alter ego of Cletus Spunkmeyer, a mild-mannered catfish noodler.
We last met our hero and his sidekick Gator Boy just as they had finished defeating his arch-nemesis The Bureaucrat and his Paper Pusher minions. Now, they dine and celebrate at Hooters.
“Good work back there, Gator Boy”, intones Florida Man.
“Life gives countless gifts and death keeps them forever”, replies Gator Boy.
“Damn Skippy, that’s deep. You been reading Alan Watts or something?”
“No, I read that in a YouTube comment about a cartoon.”
But hark! Just then, a sinister old man in fatigues enters. After a dramatic pause, he steps into the light and speaks.
“Well, well, well. Looks like I finally have you two right where I want.”
“I’m afraid not, Sarcastro. You won’t get away from us this time” says Florida Man as he rises from his seat and breaks a beer bottle on the table.
“You’ve bitten off more than you can chew, Florida Man”, says Sarcastro as he produces a remote control with a scary red button from his pocket. “Behold! If I push this button, it will causes endangered baby sea turtles to turn gay and start burning American flags. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me because all the Hooters waitresses here are secretly my henchwomen!”
Epic power-up music plays as the henchwomen remove their tops to reveal the uniform of Sarcastro!
“Go get ’em Pinkos” shouts Sarcastro with a defiant sneer.
“So help me god, I’ll beat you to death with your own science fair project, you candy-ass shitdick” responds Florida Man.
In the ensuing struggle, our heroes are nearly defeated until Gator Boy discovers that three flicks to the ear will make the Pinko henchwomen cry like a baby in a bucket of onions. In the heat of battle, Sarcastro escapes without having pushed the button on the remote.
“Curse you, Sarcastro! You can run but you can’t hide from Florida Man!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
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