I have a particularly vivid memory of being annoyed during the lesson on counseling, which is the process sergeants are supposed to use to coach or reprimand subordinates. We were in small groups and each group had written more or less the same words on our whiteboards. The first two groups said basically the same thing, and so when my group’s turn came, the rest of my group immediately ran away. I suppose they expected me to have some choice words to say and they were right.
I said: so they wrote these words on the board. Does anyone not know what they mean? The instructor demanded that I explain them as the other groups did and I said I’m not explaining elementary school vocabulary to a room full of people who all have at least a high school diploma. Well, the instructor was not pleased and ended up giving me a negative counseling. In a work of fiction, this would be foreshadowing. Like many of the other people who have demeaned me over the years, he too was much taller than me.
Another sergeant there flicked me in the ear for no apparent reason. He too was a big, tall guy. So much for being an expert and a professional. One of my favorite sayings is everything weak feels itself attacked if touched. I try to shrug off such things.
Nonetheless, I passed the course, if something so pointless even deserves that name and returned to Fort Gordon where I got promoted two months later. As is customary, I gave a little speech, which went:
***
I have three things to say. First, Harry Truman cheated on the eye exam to get into the Army. Second, my favorite quote is from an ancient Greek historian named Thucydides, who said that the key to happiness is freedom and the key to freedom is courage. And third, Sergeant Harty has a nice ring to it.
***
Several people later told me it was the best promotion speech they ever heard. While I mission, I would post jokes and fun facts in the group chat. I figure it was a way to boost morale and practice comedy. My favorite quip I posted was:
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The Army has its ups and downs, but I’ll say this much: I never saw a kid playing with a bunch of little plastic hippies.
***
My other favorite quip was to say that NSA is the only part of the government that actually listens.
In August of 2019, I went on a monthlong road trip. The turn-around point was in Oregon. I got to go on many road trips in the Army while on leave and driving between assignments. The military park pass is a wonderful fringe benefit that allows active-duty military to get into all national parks for free, and I made great use of it. I fell in love with Wyoming during my trip through it that August. I’ve been to 49 states, and I don’t need to see Hawaii to pick a favorite. America the Beautiful is not just a song.
Unfortunately, I gained about 24 pounds during that road trip, and to make things worse, I was informed upon my return that I would have a weigh-in and a fitness test in a month. I was unhappy, because I had done both those things before my trip in anticipation of my weight gain. Nonetheless, over the next month, I walked about 200 miles while eating very carefully and was able to pass both tests. Speaking of tests, I took 18 Arabic tests over 3 years and passed 16 of them. My best performance was in the spring of 2018 when I passed the tests for standard, Iraqi, Levantine, Saudi, Sudanese, and Yemeni Arabic.
I struggled with weight the whole time I was in the Army. At DLI, I was in danger of being kicked out for failing a body fat measurement test. So that led to a period of frenzied exercise while at the same time trying to keep up with my Arabic studies. A similar cycle happened a few times at Fort Gordon, but somehow, I was always able to lose enough weight in time. The Army spends an unreasonable amount of time measuring weight, body fat, and fitness of its soldiers. I recall seeing a table which stated that about 90% of the jobs in the Army require only moderate levels of fitness. Some soldiers do dangerous and unhealthy things to keep their weight down while others injure themselves as they strive to score higher on fitness tests. Still others suffer career-ending injuries while training for skills that have little benefit in the wars that are likely to come.
A soldier I met at DLI suffered a career-ending injury during a jump at airborne school. His line didn’t release so he banged into the airplane a few times and was knocked out. Fortunately, his chute opened, and he regained consciousness before he hit the ground. The worst part is that he made it all the way through the Arabic course and never worked a day on mission. There but for the grace of God go I. The Army has lost more soldiers to suicide and accidents than combat every year since 2006. The best solution in my opinion is to promote people based on ASVAB scores rather than the peculiar cocktail of fitness, marksmanship, and online courses the Army prefers. There’s a reason why military officers are required to have college degrees, which is that college graduates are generally smarter and less likely to make decisions that get people killed for no good reason.
I lived in barracks the whole time I was in the Army and spent the last 2 years in the same room at Fort Gordon. Sergeants who live in the barracks get the room to themselves, which is nice perk. I had a bed, fridge, dressers, closet, desk, bathroom, and microwave. A similar room would cost about $1,000 per month in most places. Not having to pay rent is nice way to save $12,0000 per year easily. I drove the same car I bought for $3,000 in 2014 the whole time I was in the Army and between some inheritance and frugal habits, saved up about 5 years of living expenses. That would come in very handy later.
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