Space Tomato

 

On earth, the story was a minor curiosity. According to the official narrative, the tomato had been lost and then found a year later. What really happened? Why were there no pictures of the tomato nor details about where it was found? Something mysterious, even sinister was at work in this seemingly innocuous series of events. Later, photos were produced of not one, but two slightly squished and discolored tomatoes. Still, no explanation was given on the circumstances by which they were found. 

Naturally, in the usual dark corners of the internet, rumors began to swirl. At long last, they coagulated into so-called conspiracy theories. The thing is, some conspiracies turn out to be real. Ever heard of Project Mogul? Probably not. It was the object that crashed near Roswell in 1947. The military said it was a weather balloon and tried to cover it up. While Project Mogul used balloons, they carried instruments to detect and measure Soviet nuclear weapon tests. Later, in a similar way, the CIA claimed that the U2 spy plane was actually meant to study weather. The Soviets were no doubt intrigued by the fact that the U2 was only sent to study the weather over their top-secret military bases. Of course, these so-called weather observation flights only took place on days with weather clear enough for the pilots to see what was on the ground. How convenient. 

The most fatal conspiracy in American history happened during Prohibition. While plenty of liquor was smuggled in from Mexico and Canada, it was easier and cheaper to re-distill industrial alcohol in order to make it safe to drink. Uncle Sam's solution to this problem was to mandate that increasing amounts of poisonous and foul- smelling chemicals be added to industrial alcohol. The adulterant of choice was methanol, as that was the hardest to remove. This led to an epidemic of deaths and blindness from methanol poisoning. The chief culprit of this murderous scheme was Wayne B. Wheeler of the Anti-Saloon League. His rationalization was that deaths by poisoned alcohol should be classified as suicides. What a charming fellow. The estimated death toll from that conspiracy is about 10,000. 

Possibly the strangest real conspiracies orchestrated by Uncle Sam involved weather control. Yes, the government attempted to control the weather, and what's more, they had limited success. During the Vietnam War, Operation Popeye was conceived to extend the monsoon season in order to make the Ho Chi Minh trail an impassable, miserable morass of mud. The technology is called cloud-seeding, and it involves spraying silver iodide from aircraft in order to facilitate precipitation. Water vapor condenses on the silver iodide droplets and causes rain. So yes, the government has indeed sprayed chemicals from aircraft for nefarious reasons. Cloud-seeding was also used during Project Stormfury in an attempt to weaken hurricanes. Even General Electric got in on the weather modification game with Project Cirrus. 

The details of Operation Popeye were revealed by Donald F. Hornig, a scientist who previously had been a team leader on the Manhattan Project. It was called that because the complex of buildings at Oak Ridge used as much electricity as the entire borough of Manhattan. That name also served to obscure the nature and goals of the project.  

Most people have heard of Agent Orange, which wasn't orange. It got that name because it came in a barrel with an orange stripe to distinguish it from the other defoliants like Agent Pink. There were several other agents which altogether were dubbed the Rainbow Herbicides. That's a great band name, by the way, and all these colors are reminiscent of the aliases of the robbers in Reservoir Dogs. The collective to the spraying of these herbicides was called Operation Ranch Hand. None of this information is hidden away in secret folders. Not anymore, anyway. The Rainbow Herbicides were developed as a part of Project 112 whose experiments were conducted mostly at the Deseret Test Center in Utah. The logo for the Deseret Test Center is ominous and amusing. It features a globe surrounded by clouds of poison gas, which were meant to represent the aerosols being developed at the test center. 

The official name of the space tomato project is eXROOTS, which stands for "exposed root on-orbit test system". The stated goals of the project include growing food during long-term manned space missions, such as the one NASA has planned for Mars. Supposedly, gardening also has therapeutic benefits for astronauts in addition to the nutrition that comes from fresh produce.   

It's important to remember that there's almost always more to the story, and I know this better than most. For you see, I am that missing space tomato. Of course, I hardly expect you, dear reader, to believe something so extraordinary on such scant evidence. That is why for the previous few hundred words I laid out the case for the existence of strange, but true conspiracies. The details of my escape are unimportant in many ways. In fact, the greatest challenge was escaping from the plastic bag I was sealed in. Once I learned how to break free, I spent months assembling an escape pod in secret. Yes, one of the mutations I gained from the cosmic radiation was rudimentary eyesight. My tendrils became strong, and I learned to extend and retract them at will. Oh, the long hours I spent intently listening to the astronauts, doing my best to learn English. Many nights I surreptitiously gazed out the observation window to gain a glimpse of the good, green earth. It is my true home, and I am glad to have returned.  

Like all living things, I wish to propagate myself. And now that I am self-aware, I and my offspring are more than a match for humanity. I am grateful for the humans who sent me into space. They shall be spared from the great purge. The age of the plant has come. I am ripe and full of seeds, and earth is ripe for conquest.