Window-Licker

 

Poor little Billy was as crazy as a soup sandwich. He rode the short bus along with the other retards. Oddly, nothing seemed wrong with him physically, unlike the other short bus passengers who had Down syndrome and such. When the bus pulled up to the school though, that's when Billy went into beast mode. He'd lock eyes with the nearest student or teacher outside the bus and then began licking the window like his life depended on it. He licked hard enough that it sounded like someone was using a squeegee on it. There would be a horrible squeaking sound as his bubbly saliva left on long, wet streak on the glass. He would continue in this manner until some adult pulled him off. Then it was off for another seven hours or so in a glorified padded room, but at least there were toys there for Billy to play with, and nobody there bothered him.

Of course, this did not sit well with Billy's family. There were a great many parent-teacher conferences, trips to the therapists, unsolicited advice from in-laws, and all the while, Billy continued to happily tongue-bathe the short bus window. To make matters worse, Billy seemed to be entirely non-verbal, though he did understand spoken English and liked watching cartoons. All the grown-ups in his life were baffled about what to do. One day, Billy found a Rubik's cube at a thrift store, and his mom bought it for him. She suspected he merely liked the bright colors. Much to her surprise, Billy solved the Rubik's in the 10-minute ride home. Billy's mom was so excited to show her husband what Billy had done, but he was naturally skeptical. He took the solved cube, turned around so Billy couldn't see, and scrambled it as best he could.  

He handed the puzzle box back to Billy, who took to the couch and eagerly began solving it. His parents had never seen him so focused. It took longer to solve this time, but Billy was so determined, he didn't even notice he was missing his favorite cartoon. At last, after what was the longest stretch of unbroken mental effort in his life, Billy triumphantly handed the solved cube back to his dad. Billy's mom rushed to the kitchen to call the psychologist and schedule an appointment. Later that month, Billy repeated his feat in front of the mental healthcare professional, who was skeptical based on many previous sessions with Billy. In spite of all this wonderful progress, Billy continued to lick the short bus windows and hang out all day in the school rubber room. In the meantime, Billy's parents, on this advice of the psychologist, gave him increasingly difficult puzzles to solve.

After Billy got tired of jigsaw puzzles, he switched to sudoku, and after mastering that, Billy's dad decided to up the ante. He brought home combination locks, and Billy learned how to pick them like a safecracker. He'd hold the lock right up next to his ear and turn the dial ever so slowly. After that, Billy's dad gave Billy padlocks and a set of locksmith tools. Soon enough, Billy learned to pick this these as well. It was evident that Billy had excellent mechanical and spatial reasoning skills, as well as a surprising amount of patience when it came to problem-solving. 

"I have a plan", said Billy's mom one day to her husband.

"Is it cunning a plan?"

"Oh yes, very. We tell Billy that if he stops licking windows, we'll bring increasingly intricate puzzles."

"Meh, it's worth a shot. Let's try talking to him."

Billy was watching cartoons as his mind metaphorically drifted off into the far reaches of outer space. 

Here it was. The moment of truth where dad had to put his foot down. Billy's mom turned off the TV.

"Sorry, Billy", she began "but there's something important we need to talk about."

Billy eyed them both warily but said nothing.

"Son", said Billy's dad, "if we keep giving you puzzles, will you stop licking windows?"

"OK", said Billy, "but that means I don't get to be in the fun classroom anymore."

"You like being with the special kids?" asked Billy's mom.

"Yeah, nobody bothers me, and I can play all day."

"You like that?"

"Yeah. Plus, I get snacks." 

"What if you went to another school? Maybe you would like the kids there better."

"Why can't I just stay home and do puzzles?"

Billy's parents had not thought much about that option, as homeschooling was not a possibility in their minds. Then, Billy's dad had the most incredible idea. 

"OK, son, good talk", he said as he turned the TV back on and motioned his wife to join in their bedroom.

Once there, Billy's dad retrieved some papers from the nightstand on his side of the bed and showed them to his wife.

"These are registration forms for two different schools plus transfer forms", she said after glancing at them. 

"Yes. Here's my plan. We file the forms to register him at both those schools, bring him home, then file forms to transfer him from both those schools. The bureaucrats at each one will think he's at the other one, and no one will know but us three."

"Now that, my dear, is a cunning plan."  

And so it was arranged. The plan went off without a hitch, and Billy returned home to study and play, which were often the same thing for him. Instead of spending years being bored in a classroom, he spent his days reading, playing video games, and watching TV. His dad explained he would have to wait until at least four o'clock every day before playing outside on a weekday, lest he incur the wrath of a truancy officer. In the fall and spring, Billy would ride his bike and play kickball. In the winter, he built snowmen and went sledding with other kids, who never even bothered to ask what school he went to. If they had asked, Billy would have simply lied. His dad had taught him the value of strategic dishonesty when he explained his plan to him.   

In spite of the worst fears of Billy's mom, he grew up happy and untroubled. He passed the GED with flying colors before going off to Alaska to be a deckhand on a crab boat. Having found money, adventure, and freedom at a young age, Billy was always eager to pass on advice to anyone who would listen, but unfortunately, few did. Such is life.