GATH - "It is with a heavy heart that we announce the passing of the beloved warrior Goliath", said King Abimelech. Known as "The Gentle Giant", Goliath gained prominence for his size and strength. An aspiring bard, he also excelled in skull crushing. The chief suspect in his slaying is one David of Bethlehem, a loner with a long history of violence against animals and writing disturbing poetry.
According to High Priestess of Baal Joah Nagam Bol Path of Ai, "ranged weapons are forbidden except to Enlil, God of Storms. Real men do not fight with rocks. This coward David should have fought Goliath with his bare hands." According to the latest sheep entrails, the sling used in the killing was most likely acquired in Canaan, a land known for its loose sling laws.
"The sling peddlers of Canaan have blood on their hands once more", added King Abimelech as his spear bearer adjusted the king's breastplate. As of chiseling time, the Philistine host is standing by as they wait for their helmets to arrive.
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