CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA - At a rally attended by several people, President Biden vowed to defeat the Coronavirus once and for all. "That virus is a lying, dog-face pony soldier, and I bet I can do more push-ups than it can. Folks, I beat Corn Pop and I can beat this virus, and I don't give a damn what any slant-eyed Chinaman says about it." Biden later apologized for his "Chinaman" remark and added that some of his best friends "eat rice and are shitty drivers." To prepare for the push-up contest, Biden began a routine of waking up early, eating raw eggs, and jogging up the steps of the Philadelphia Public Library. Tragedy struck, however, when Biden fell, broke his hip, and was later diagnosed with a case of salmonella food poisoning. Trump sent Biden a get-well card which featured a cartoon of a paramecium wearing boxing gloves.
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