Too Few Women in Nitro Circus, Say Feminists

LAS VEGAS - Feminists have turned out in force to protest Nitro Circus during the Las Vegas stop on their current nationwide tour. "According to their website, Nitro Circus has only two female performers. This disparity is unacceptable. Without enough strong women as role models, who will inspire little girls to don asbestos suits, light themselves on fire, and then roller skate down a ramp to jump over a school bus? By this I mean other, hypothetical girls, not me, my daughter, or my friends and their daughters", said Joanna Gambolputty of Moms End Stunt Sexism. "We were going to call it Moms Against Stunt Sexism, but that would conflict with the body positivity movement and make us vulnerable to fat jokes", she added. 

For its part, Nitro Circus stuntman Haywood Jablome countered that "believe me, I used to be the one who had to wear a blonde wig and a pink jumpsuit while driving the rocket-propelled Barbie Powerwheel through the loop-de-loop. Not exactly ideal working conditions, let me tell you. And the worst part was having to pretend to be a girl when the fan mail from desperate, horny men came pouring in. So you can imagine my relief when a female performer stepped in to take that off my plate, though sometimes, I still have to help her answer the fan mail. It's amazing how many of them ask why I suddenly got shorter and developed womanly curves. For this reason, we've launched a new outreach program on the danger of head injuries."  

Meanwhile, the women of MESS have been dogged by small, but persistent counterprotests led by a former rodeo clown who calls himself Dude the Man. With his rainbow wig, floppy shoes, and red nose, he chants into a megaphone "slogan, slogan, buzzword rhyme! we are here to waste your time!" In his other hand, he holds a sign reading:

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STOP THE CHILDREN

TAX THE WHALES

SAVE THE DRUGS

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MESS has reached out to Dude the Man for dialog, but talks faltered as the latter insisted on running away, honking a rubber chicken, and leaping into colorful barrels whenever approached. Efforts to speak with his followers, or disciples, as he calls them, have so far been fruitless as they only respond by playing when When the Saints Go Marching In on their kazoos.

Hugh Jass, president of the Eleanor Rigby Institute, stressed the importance of the responsible use of nonsense in society. "Look, we've all had the experience of annoying people with gibberish and random noises, but when these things go too far, we come dangerously close to the so-called Monty Python line of 'right, stop that, it's silly'. No one wants comedy police, but we put our leaders in a bind when we cannot responsibly let a joke wind down naturally without forcing someone else to intervene. Otherwise, we run the risk of our young people falling by the wayside and embracing truly obnoxious brainrot like Skibidi Toilet. That's something I don't even want to think about."