Some of my favorite jokes

I've heard thousands over the years and made a list of the ones I liked the most. Enjoy. 

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It's OK to fall apart; tacos do, and we love them.

Why did the pizza burn the hipster's tongue? 

Because he ate it before it was cool.

"We're gonna need to rehearse that", said the undertaker when the coffin fell out of the car.

What was the name of the fat knight? 

Sir Cumference. His wife was Princess Di of Ameter.

Why do they call them "apartments" when they're all stuck together?

When I die, I'm donating my body to science fiction.

Captain Hook went to a secondhand store. He didn't find what he was looking for.

A midget psychic broke out of jail. Police say a small medium is at large.

Two guys went to prison for stealing a calendar. They each got six months.

There's no pleasing some people. If you walk on water, they'll yell at you for not knowing how to swim.

I identify as a pirate. My pronouns are arrgh/matey.

I identify as Michael Jackson. My pronouns are hee!/hee!

Some people couldn't carry a tune if you put it in a bag.

I live on the edge of glory, like that singer Lazy Hooha, or whatever her name is.

Dating in your 30s is sort of like trying to find a parking spot at a busy store. Most of the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped. 

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman? Mick Jagger says "hey you, get off of my cloud!" and the Scotsman says "hey Mcleod, get off of my ewe!"

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a dick in someone's ass. 

What's the best part about masturbation? You don't have to talk to anyone afterwards.

Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.