GOP Struggles to Find Losing Strategy

DALLAS - "It's like, nothing we do is working" lamented Senior GOP Defeat Strategist Joanna Gambolputty. "No matter how hard we try to lose elections, people keep voting for us for some reason. It's really weird." Gambolputty added that no effort has been spared to alienate conservative and libertarian voters. "So far, we've double-crossed them over and over on things like war, guns, taxes, and spending but voters still turn out for us. We really hoped our support for the draconian pandemic restrictions would be the last nail in the coffin, but incredibly, many Republican voters support them." 

According to Gambolputty, desperate GOP leaders have pushed for launching more wars. "I tried to tell them that, absurd as it may seem, many GOP voters actually support endless war. The really insane part is the support is the strongest among those who never volunteered for the military. Figure that one out, because I can't." Gambolputty elaborated that the party's time-tested strategy of nominating terrible candidates no longer seems to be working. "We used to have solid, dependable losers like Mitt Romney and John McCain. But then this Trump guy comes along and out of nowhere, just starts winning. We were all like, 'hey buddy, stop doing that', but he just kept getting more popular despite our best efforts. If not for the pandemic, Trump would have been re-elected in a landslide and the GOP would have control of both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court, and most of the governorships and state legislatures. There's no way we could have recovered from a win like that."

Gambolputty and her team of failure experts have been working around the clock to find a new losing formula. "So far, our best idea is to have Mitt Romney propose a special tax on Chik-Fil-A customers and then use the money to fund drag queen story hours. Also, all gun owners will be required to eat at Chik-Fil-A at least once a week to ensure sufficient revenue and also to encourage them to voluntarily disarm. And then, to annoy libertarians, we'll establish a new government agency specifically tasked to enforce proper mask wear and social distancing. This new Control And Re-Education Network will have broad powers of warrantless search, seizure, arrest, and public scolding. Enforcement mechanisms will include fines, imprisonment, and pineapple pizza."